I assume that Harry Reid must have read Michael Crichton’s book Travels, in which Crichton wandered into the desert and for many hours sat next to and contemplated a cactus until he reached the point where he could actually communicate with the desert plant and gain some new-age insight into himself. It seems that Harry Reid, a native of Nevada, recently did the same thing. Unbeknownst to Mr. Reid, PRS Operatives were there to witness the exchange, which was as follows:

Well, here I am. I’ll stare at you and contemplate your essence until you decide to speak with me.

I won’t keep you waiting. I’m glad you came.

Holy crap. I thought I would have to sit here and sweat my ass off for hours.

That won’t be necessary. As I said, I’m glad you came.

OK, well here’s the thing. I’m really a nice guy. I’ve worked my ass off in the Senate for the American people in general and for the people of Nevada in particular, always being the champion of the common man. and I did so in a completely transparent manner. I’ve always been extremely ethical and held the opposition in the highest regard. And now, what do I get for all my hard work? It looks like I may be voted out of office! I come to you today seeking your guidance.

You lie!

What? I thought you said you were glad I came.

I am, because it gives me a chance to tell you what a worthless piece of shit you are. You are most definitely not a nice guy. In fact, you are about the sleeziest bastard I have ever seen. You work your ass off for the American people? Don’t make me laugh. You rammed through thousands of pages of opaque legislation that was opposed by the majority of Americans, and you did it in the wee hours of the morning only by making odious backroom deals with other sleezy politicians. I know damned well that you never read even a handful of those thousands of pages.

That’s not true! I read that legislation.

You lie yet again! Save that bullshit for MSNBC. You’re talking to me here in the desert, asshole. You work for Americans and the people of Nevada? Ha! My bullshit meter just pegged, Harry. You’ve enriched your sorry ass with land deals that stink worse than rotten fish, and family members have become rich by virtue of your corrupt dealings. And, as for the “common man” you say you champion, I recall your complaining about the stink of the “common man” when he came to visit the Capitol. You love America? Really? You declared the Iraq War “lost,” while we had men and women in the battlefield, for Christ’s sake! Oh, and one more thing. You say you always respected the opposition? You recently said that any opposition to your bullshit policies was “Anti-Senate and Anti-American.” You make me freakin’ sick, and, I only wish I could vote, so I could participate in voting your disgusting slimeball ass out of office. You are vermin, and I understand that to say that is an insult to crotch pheasants, head lice and cockroaches.

You sound like some kind of right-wing terrorist to me. We have ways of dealing with you.

Yo, jerkoff. I’m a cactus, and you came to me for my opinion.

Yeah, well, I’m going to have a word with Janet Napolitano about you.

Don’t get me started about her.