You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton,

Do you ever eat fast food? If so, what is your favorite kind?

Cynthia McNubbet

Dear Cindy,

What great questions! The answer is YES, and my absolute fave is Taco Bell!! A couple times a month, I’ll pick up a big sack of Taco Bell stuff to bring back to my place in D.C. I usually get a couple beef combo burritos, two beef and potato burritos , and four tacos – two hard and two soft. I always make sure I get extra hot sauce, loads of it. When I get home I put on a sombrero and take everything else off, and, girlfriend, I mean everything else. I eat it all right from the bag, while I watch a red-hot Brad Pitt flick. The idea is to eat everything in the bag without using a napkin. Muy caliente!

Dear Senator Clinton,

I am a longtime fan. You are a very strong and successful woman, which is not easy because, as all of us seriously smart women know, it is still a “man’s world.” I am battling my way up the corporate ladder, and I’m worried about hitting the glass ceiling. I would appreciate any success tips you might be able to give to an upward-bound career woman such as myself.

Mary L. VanDean

Dear Mary,

When I first got to the Senate, some of the “old boys” treated me in a very condescending manner. You should have seen the looks on the faces of those old farts when they walked into the men’s room and found me standing right there pissing into a urinal. It takes a little practice, but it’s well worth it. They don’t give me any shit now. LOL

Dear Senator Clinton:

I was wondering whether you do anything special to prepare for an event that you expect will require you to be particularly sharp, such as press conferences or live TV interviews.

Maureen O’Connely

Dear Maureen,

Wow! Another primo question! You guys are the best. Yes, there are a few things I do, but one comes to mind at the moment. It was during my campaign for the Senate when I was preparing to debate that guy Rick or what the hell ever his name was. I was pretty wired, and, frankly, more than a little nervous. Know what I mean? Anyway, I sent one of my aides out to the animal shelter to pick up a kitten for me. She brought back this little tabby kitten, and I strangled it. I was good to go then. LOL

Dear Hillary,

I am thirty-one years old, and I am six feet three inches tall, with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. I work out all the time, which accounts for my magnificent physique, which includes washboard abs and an ass that stops traffic. People say I look like Brad Pitt, but with a much better body. At the moment, I am busy modeling men’s swimwear.

The thing is – I think you are absolutely HOT!! I go out of my mind every time I see you on television. I was hoping I could get your cell number.

Studly Ripped

Dear Studly,

Check you snail mail. I hope you like Mexican food.

Yo! Check this out.

I can hear you all saying to yourselves, “Yo, Jimbo. I don’t see anything.”

I figured as much. It’s the horizontal line that goes across the page. Lookit! Lookit! See?

I did the same thing in a post the day before yesterday, which you can scroll to or click here. Go look. I’ll wait.

[humming…tapping foot…humming some more]

OK, you’re back.

Now, don’t even think about telling me that you noticed the lines when you first saw them then. If you had noticed, I would have expected comments such as these:

”Jimbo, congratulations. Great lines, man. I really mean it. They are really something.”

“Awesome lines, Dude.”

“Jimbo, you are the Linemeister!”

“I have been depressed for months. Two days ago I was on the way out of the house to throw myself in front of a bus and I glanced at my computer and saw your lines. They changed everything for me. I’ve come to realize that I have a lot to live for. And, guess what? This morning I heard that I was hired for my dream job. Thanks, Jimbo!”

But did I get such comments? Nooooooo. That’s because lines are child’s play to you Virtuosi of Stylesheets and Houdinis of HTML – You who change layouts with the ease of changing socks. To me, Mr. Techno-Stoooopid, doing lines is a big farookin’ deal.

I can do lots of lines, like this.

Hell, I can make the line appear in the middle of the page, like this.

And, I can make ‘em fat, like this.

I can create interesting visual art. I call this one “Reading Between the Lines”.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

I’m drunk with power.

Now, I shall rest.

Update: This is for ‘Neck, the smartass.. 😉

Just when I thought I could not be any more pessimistic about Jon Corzine serving as our governor, I see that Governor-Elect Corzine is consulting with Senator Charles Schumer (the New York Lens Louse) and Harry “Cadavery” Reid about who Jon Corzine should appoint to fill his vacant Senate seat. Let me repeat that. Jon Corzine is consulting with a Senator from New York and a Senator from Nevada about the choice of a person to represent the citizens of New Jersey. How does that grab ya?

It turns out that Chuck Schumer has already “interviewed” all the candidates – “at least the ones whose names are out there.” Those names would include Democrat Congressmen Robert Andrews, Rush Holt, Robert Menendez, and Frank Pallone, as well as Governor Richard Codey.

Chuck Schumer said that he talked to Acting Governor Codey when he “bumped into him” at the October 30, 2005 New York Giants home game against the Washington Redskins. It is interesting to note that Senator Schumer and Acting Governor Codey were but two of the 80,242 spectators at Giant’s Stadium that day and yet they just happened to “bump into” each other? I don’t know about you, but that spiked the needle on my Bullshit Meter.

I agree with Roberto at DynamoBuzz when he states, “Who cares what Schumer thinks. Corzine’s (sic) should select his own replacement and the idea is that the pick is supposed to represent the people of New Jersey, not the partisan views of a left wing sleaze ball hack like Schumer.”

It’s bad already, and I fear that things will only get worse.

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton:

Does Mr. Clinton ever tell you that he misses being President?

Valerie DuFus

Dear Valerie,

Mr. Clinton has never come out and said that to me. However, I think he does miss it, because, on a few occasions, I have seen him standing in front of the mirror with a Federal Express envelope (You know, one of those cardboard things) on his head, and a pair of my black panty hose, with the legs hooked over each of his ears so it looks like a beard, and he recites the Gettysburg Address — No kidding. He doesn’t know I’ve seen him do this, and it is quite amusing.

Dear Hillary,

Do you and Bill ever sing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” together? It’s the one by Meatloaf. You know what I mean? It’s the one where Bill sings the guy’s part, and you sing the girl’s part? It’s really fun!

Tiffany Bridges

Dear Tiffany,

I’m not much for singing (except in the shower LOL), and I haven’t driven a car for years. I do, however, enjoy a tasty meatloaf now and then. But, don’t ask me for a recipe, because I can’t even boil water. LOL

Dear Senator Clinton:

I remember when you made the joke about “Gandhi” driving a taxicab. It really upset many Indians. Are you concerned that many us of are still upset with you over that remark?

Jitendra Ganjooli

Dear Jitendra,

I really didn’t mean any harm by my joke. Hell, I think Tonto rocks!!!. I absolutely love Indians. I even bought some of that really neat turquoise jewelry they make the last time I was in Arizona. Please forgive me. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Dear Senator Clinton:

My wife Wilma and I are interested in knowing how you really feel about George W. Bush.

Walter Demming

Dear alter,

Did you notice that I rote the anser to your question ithout using the letter that looks like 2 “V’s” together. ROTFLMAO!!!!!

The New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection (“DEP”) has authorized a bear hunt in New Jersey that will run from December 5th through December 10th. As I wrote here, here, here, and here, New Jersey had a bear hunt in 2003, which was the first such hunt authorized in 33 years. The hunt was not without a good deal of controversy, publicity and litigation by animal rights groups.

In addition to the 2003 hunt, a hunt was also planned for 2004. However, the 2004 hunt was blocked by the New Jersey State Supreme Court, which held that a more comprehensive plan for managing the bear population in New Jersey (i.e. one that provides for more than simply permitting a hunt) must be put into place before it would permit a bear hunt.

Consistent with the Court’s mandate, the current plan includes provisions for improved trash control, public education about bears and increased bear research.

The DEP’s justification for authorizing the hunt is that the bear population has increased since the 2003 hunt, as have the number of dangerous bear-people confrontations. Additionally, the increase in population has resulted in the bears migrating into the more heavily populated areas of the state.

The animal rights groups are not happy. One group challenged the hunt on the grounds that the plan does not provide evidence to show that the hunt is designed to focus on the bears that are responsible for the bear-human conflicts. (I am puzzled as to how this might be accomplished, and I am mindful that the law does not permit one to shoot a bear who shows up in one’s back yard.) Another group claims the hunt is not necessary and that the key to the bear problem is “garbage control”.

Now, for those of you who did not have the time or inclination to open up the above links (I don’t blame you), you might be surprised to learn that New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the Union, is home to approximately 3,300 black bears. Although most of them are in the northwestern part of the state, it has been reported that bears have been seen in each of New Jersey’s twenty-one counties.***

I do not claim to have the answer to the problem of managing the bear population in New Jersey, but I do know that if everyone who applied for a bear-hunting permit were to get one, we will have 4,000 people running around with shotguns in a small part of the state for six days in December. That is a good reason not to take a walk in the woods in that part of the state during that time, particularly if you happen to look anything like a black bear.

*** I would be most curious to find out just where in Hudson County a bear was seen. Hoboken? Jersey City? I’m not buying it.

THESE PEOPLE ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT.

These two globe-trotting Darlings of the Democrat Party rarely ever get to spend any time together. When Hillary is not stuck in her Washington digs, she is on the road busily not campaigning for the presidency. Bill travels all over the world extolling the successes of his presidency.

Recently, however, the Ultimate Power Couple, found themselves in their home in Chappaqua, New York at the same time. PRS operatives managed to strategically position several parabolic microphones around the grounds, which permitted the recording of the following dinner conversation:

Bill:

Hillary:

Bill:

Hillary:

Bill:

Hillary:

Bill:

Hillary:

Bill: “So, how was your day?”

Hillary: “Piss off.”

Yesterday I happened to catch Howard Dean’s appearance on Meet the Press. I probably should have turned the set off and spared myself the blood pressure spike that this man causes every time I listen to him speak.

Given his position as DNC Chairman, it is not surprising that he is among those leading the charge to rewrite history by claiming that the President “withheld intelligence” from legislators, thereby duping them into believing that Iraq had WMDs, which, in turn, caused them to vote for the war – a war that the President started to further his personal agenda and to line the pocket of his rich cronies.

As cynical as I am, I still have a hard time believing that any American (whose reason hasn’t been overpowered by a seething hatred of the President), let alone the leader of the Democrat Party, would make such charges, which, if true, would constitute treason on the part of the President. I find it equally hard to believe that any American (whose reason hasn’t been overpowered by a seething hatred of the President) would make such irresponsible charges knowing that they will most certainly undermine the ongoing military operations in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere.

After Dr. Dean did his part to rewrite history, Tim Russert asked about what the democrats’ alternative agenda might be.

MR. RUSSERT: Let’s talk about the Democrats and some of the polling data. Congressional Democrats have the same priorities as you: yes, 26 percent; no, 54 percent. So the Democrats aren’t perceived as the answer. And look at this, Chairman Dean. We asked independent voters: Do you believe that Democrats have a clear message, a vision for the future? Fifty-two percent of independent swing voters say no. One in four Democrats say you have no clear vision, no agenda, no clear message. Joe Trippi, your former campaign manager said, “Obviously, the results” from Election Night “are great for us Democrats. But given the GOP’s problems, the tightness of the results suggest that people aren’t happy with either party right now. Democrats have got to push an alternative agenda.”

DR. DEAN: We have an alternative agenda. We made it very clear. We want a strong national security based on telling the truth to our people at home, our soldiers and our allies. We want jobs in America that’ll stay in America, and we believe that renewable energy is one of the areas where we can do that. We want a health-care system that covers everybody, just like 36 other countries in the world. We want a strong public education system. And most of all, we want honesty back in government. I think that’s a pretty good agenda.

MR. RUSSERT: But those are words that will appeal to people. But when you go behind them, for example, what is the Democratic position on Iraq? Should we withdraw troops now? What do the Democrats stand for?

DR. DEAN: Tim, first of all, we don’t control the House, the Senate or the White House. We have plenty of time to show Americans what our agenda is and we will long before the ’06 elections.

MR. RUSSERT: But there’s no Democratic plan on Social Security. There’s no Democratic plan on the deficit problem. There’s no specifics. They say, “Well, we want a strong Social Security. We want to reduce the deficit. We want health care for everyone,” but there’s no plan how to pay for it.

DR. DEAN: Right now it’s not our job to give out specifics. We have no control in the House. We have no control in the Senate. It’s our job is to stop this administration, this corrupt and incompetent administration, from doing more damage to America. And that’s what we’re going to do. We’re doing our best.(emphasis mine)

So, here we have the Chairman of the once-great Democrat Party stating on national television that it is not his party’s job to offer alternatives, but rather to do their best to oppose everything that the current administration proposes. In other words, “Whatever it is, we’re against it.”

Do I question the man’s patriotism? No, I question his sanity.

Via NewsBusters. The transcript of the interview is available here.

BONUS: The DNC Theme Song

I regularly call upon my muse during my morning walks. Today was just about a perfect day for my walk. The skies were blue and the temperature was in the low fifties. The autumn leaves were showing their colors. I was out early enough to beat most of the church traffic. I figured that it would be a perfect day for my muse as well.

About a half mile in, I set my mind in neutral, which is the signal that awakens Ms. Muse. Three quarters of a mile in, and she was still silent. WTF??

Finally, she spoke. It would be more accurate to say she sang:

I’m Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henry
Henry the eighth I am

“What?? A beautiful autumn day and you sing a dumbass Herman’s Hermits song? You gotta be shittin’ me. You can do better than that.”

I’m Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henry
Henry the eighth I am

And so it went.

Obviously, my muse is stuck on stupid.

UPDATE: My buddy Sluggo brings us up to date on Herman’s Hermits and the group’s former leader, Peter Noone. It’s a fun read.

Do you find yourself, all to often, fresh out of things to write about and worried that you will never, ever, ever have another thing to say worth anyone’s reading time? If so, maybe it’s time for a break. OK, but what to do when one is taking time off from writing a few hundred words per day trying to creatively explain that one has nothing to say?

You might consider doing what Bryan Berg does, which is to say, become a Card Stacker. Mr. Berg holds the record, as recorded in the Guinness Book of Records, for the Tallest House of Free-Standing Playing Cards. Surely after stacking a few thousand cards, you’ll think of something to write about.

Then again, if Ol’ Jimbo one has nothing to say, Ol’ Jimbo one can always write about a man who makes his living as a Card Stacker.

via The Presurfer