“I like to watch the streetcar go by when I’m downtown. I get to wave at my money.”
Cousin Jack complaining about a privately owned streetcar in Portland, which, in large part, is paid for by taxpayers.

“I just can’t watch a woman who is such a tight-ass that if she farts, dogs three counties away go deaf. You make Queen Victoria look like Paris Hilton.”
LeeAnn, of “The Cheese…” commenting on the woman on “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” who doesn’t seem to get the gag.

I have always used Zildjian cymbals, except for hi-hats. For those, I prefer the 14″ medium Paistes.

Discuss.

You’re up to your neck in shit, and someone throws a bag of snot at your head. What do you do?

I like Two Nervous Dogs, and after reading this post, I think the author and I may have been separated at birth.

Having been busy with her new gig, TJ has found a bit of time to fire up her blog again. The subject — “Coffee Mugs.”

Eric, the Straight White Guy, tells a great story about his First Robert Burns Night in Scotland. A bit of single malt, a fine dinner, and the next thing you know, you’re drawing your sword and leading a charge to take the Bridge at Rose Hill.

Good scotch whiskey can bring out the Robert William (duh) Wallace in a guy, especially a Marine.

Yesterday I wrote about cowboy hats, boots and riding horses. I learned today that, even if I sported the hat and the boots and climbed on a horse, there is no way I could ever relate to being a Montana Rancher. Sarpy Sam (a real Montana Rancher) at Thoughts from the Middle of Nowhere, points to an article that says, “You know you’re a Montana Rancher if…” Here is a sample (along with some Garden State observations):

You know you’re a Montana rancher IF…

you know how to spell heifer, Hereford and Charolais.
Hell, many folks in Jersey have trouble spelling, “Yo!”

you know someone who’s lost a digit to a rope, a chain saw or a skinning knife.
Here one loses a digit (usually the middle one) by displaying it to the wrong guy.

you put old tires on top of haystacks, shingled roofs and the outhouse.
Haystacks? Outhouses? We do have shingled roofs, but … putting tires on them? WTF? We generally keep the tires on our cars.

You think a traffic jam is waiting to pass a tractor on the county road.
Wow! Talk about a cultural divide!

you measure distance in miles, not minutes.
Miles don’t mean doodly squat in Jersey. We always talk time, because a three-mile drive can often take an hour depending on the road and the time of day.

you’ve been to tractor rallies or draft-horse shows or mule log-pulling events.
I’ve never been to any of the above events nor did I know that there are such things. In fact, I’ve never seen a live mule, or a dead one, for that matter. I somehow think that if I were to attend one of these events, the spectators might sense that I am not “from there.”

you’ve seen people wear bib overalls at funerals, weddings and the annual Christmas pageant at the church.
If someone were to show up at a wedding or funeral in bib overalls, everyone would assume that he came directly from work on Broadway where he had a gig in the chorus of a show like “Shenandoah.”

you see pickups, with no one in them and with engines running, parked in front of stores and bars no matter what time of year.
They’d last about three minutes here.

you get a kick out of explaining what’s a Testicle Festival to dudes.
Is this a Greenwich Village-type event?

taking your drink in a “go cup” from the local bar is a time-saver.
This would be a great way to meet and greet a Jersey State Trooper, most of whom have the sense of humor of Ivan the Terrible.

your blood pressure rises when you have to drive in a city of more than 8,000.
For us, that’s a trip to the “country.”

Driver’s Education was a joke for you and your classmates since you’d all been driving since the age of 10.
Around here, the only people who drive that young are apprentice car thieves.

I’d like to add one to the list, if I may.

You know you’re a Montana rancher…IF,

you’ve never had a decent slice of pizza.

1. I’d like to wear a cowboy hat.
But, I won’t because:
(a) there aren’t any cows around here;
(b) one doesn’t wear cowboy hats around here;
(c) as my Uncle Bill used to say, “If you wear a hat like that around here, ya gotta know how to fight,” and at this stage in my life, I can’t see myself losing a couple teeth over headgear. and
(d) every time I ever tried on a cowboy hat, I looked like a Jewish dentist named “Mel” pretending to be a cowboy, which is nuts, because I am neither Jewish nor a dentist.

2. I’d like to wear cowboy boots.
But, I won’t because:
(a) there aren’t any cows around here;
(b) one does not wear cowboy boots around here;
(c) I assume that the Uncle Bill’s “Hat Rule” applies to cowboy boots, and at this stage in my life, I can’t see myself losing a couple teeth over footwear, and
(d) my five-inch wide feet, which look like those of the offspring of Fred Flintstone and Daisy Duck, just don’t fit well into cowboy boots.

3. I’d like to ride a horse.
But, I won’t because:
(a) there aren’t any horses around here;
(b) therefore, one does not ride horses around here (at least, in this part of the state);
(c) those animals are way bigger than they look on television, and they kick and bite too, and
(d) I don’t think it’s fair to disaccommodate a horse by making it carry my ass around for the fun of it.

Damn.

I got home much too late to do any heavy lifting tonight, so I thought I would pass along something I received from my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, who seems to be morphing into “Heloise.”

Here are some helpful household hints, the accuracy of which I cannot guarantee. However, I offer my comments, based on my decades-long study of Life 101.

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers. Of course Gatorade tastes like sweat, so the headache might be a better option.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns. So that’s why I never burned my mouth with my toothbrush.

Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They’ll clear up your stuffed nose. One wonders what they would do for hemorrhoids.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. This sounds great, as long as your aching muscles are nowhere near your sharona.

Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. Six tablespoons of vinegar? I think I’ll take “sore throat” for $200, Alex.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use. Memo to the military: put this stuff in the Shit on a Shingle.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes…..All you need is a dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly. However, don’t be surprised if people look at you as if you are some kind of asshole.

Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes……Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. And if it doesn’t, the bears will eat the goobs off you face.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus….Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. This is just way too gross.

Easy eyeglass protection….To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. I prefer shocking pink myself.

Coca-Cola cure for rust…Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. And, it will also remove those unsightly underwear skid marks.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer….If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can’t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. A beer and hard-boiled egg fart will also do the trick.

Smart splinter remover…..just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. Speaking of hemorrhoids….

Hunt’s tomato paste boil cure….Cover the boil with Hunt’s tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. Tomato paste and pus. I don’t even want to think about it.

Balm for broken blisters…..To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine….a powerful antiseptic. Be sure not to use the same stuff you soaked your nasty toenails in.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises…Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. So, who gives a shit if you smell like a garden salad?

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. And to think you actually wash dishes with this stuff.

Rainy day cure for dog odor….Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. Why not just toss Fido into the dryer for a few minutes. It’s at least as entertaining as daytime television.

Eliminate ear mites….All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn oil in your cat’s ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. And those cotton balls make interesting conversation pieces.

Vaseline cure for hairballs…..To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat’s nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system. Of course, you’ll need a plan to deal with the greasy cat shit.

Having the new site is like getting a new car. Like most new car owners, I spent a fair amount of time just admiring its looks and tentatively touching some of the new giz-wizzes. I also have been reading the online manual to see how this sleek street rod works. Unfortunately, for techno-dweebs like me, the Bankruptcy Code is easier to grasp than are the discussions of templates in the User’s Manual. However, as you can see, I have figured out how to add a new entry, and I’ve even successfully edited some of the older posts in which the titles look a bit goofy (because BlogSnot had no title field). I figure that, for me, that’s quite an accomplishment.

My next challenge is to learn how to add (and edit) links to the blogroll, as some people who were hiatus or had shut down are back.

I have already thanked Craig at mtpolitics for building my new cyber car. I would also like to thank those who have urged the switch on many occasions. They include, Jay Solo, ZombyBoy at Resurrection Song, Tiger, Joanie (Da Goddess), Jeff at Side Salad, and the infamous Acidman (or is it Catman?). Thank you all for being pains in the ass. Ultimately, it worked.

The weather in Jersey has turned ugly again. What started out as freezing rain and sleet (my most un-faves) has now turned into more farookin’ snow. I can see more snowblowing in my not-too-distant future. I still intend to drive very carefully to the Legion Post to see the Usual Suspects and tell them all about my new “wheels.”