In a comment to yesterday’s post, Chickie shared

Not to make light of your washroom woes, but I am laughing my ass off right now (yes, pun intended). That shit drives me crazy (I can’t help it, sorry) – in the ‘ladies'” room (and I use that term loosely), these morons who squat drive me bonkers when they piss all over the seat and leave it there. Sit your ass down and pee dammit!

Squat pissing?

Not being one who frequents ladies’ rooms,** I was unaware of this curious phenomenon. Now that I have been put wise to this practice, I can only wonder if the squat pissers (Perhaps we should call them “Squissers”) realize that the pee-on-the-seat problem could be avoided by simply raising the farookin’ seat!

I know, I know, “Like, ewwwwww, Jimbo, I’d have to touch the seat!”

Truth is, I think that touching the seat (which, by the way, can be done with one’s foot, or with a piece of, yes, toilet paper in one’s hand) is only part of the problem . I think that women are genetically pre-disposed to NEVER lift the farookin’ seat, and heaven forbid that they have to actually lower the seat before sit pissing (but that’s the subject for another post).

Squissers would do well by taking a lesson from men, who have had the liftable seat thing wired for years.

**NOTE: Any mention of the one-time, unfortunate incident in Helen, Georgia will not be tolerated.

Let me say this. I have never put toilet paper over a toilet seat before I sit on it. To me, if a men’s room is scuzzy enough to worry about that (e.g. your typical shit-smeared, piss smelling, puke on the floor joint), I’ll make other arrangements to take care of No. 2.

No, I’m talking about a men’s room, which is not open to the public and which is accessible to only a few people who work in my vicinity. I’m talking about a men’s room that is regularly cleaned to a state of military spotlessness.

So, today I find that someone who used the men’s room before me felt compelled to cover the toilet seat with toilet paper — obviously not a guy who spent any time in the military. Now, I’m a “live-and-let-live” kinda guy. Hey, if you feel you want to cover a spotless seat with toilet paper before you place your royal ass on it, fine with me.

However; if covering the seat with toilet paper so as to ensure that your precious heiney cheeks never touch anything but toilet paper makes you happy, that’s fine, BUT when you are finished, kindly flush the goddamned ass paper down the toilet. Don’t leave it for the next poor slob ME to flush your goddamned Howard Huges ass-protection paper down the toilet.

Look, Dipshit, I’ve already got Algorism and Nancy Pelosi’s butt nuggetry tormenting me, so I don’t need to be worrying about how to get your goddamned ass-barrier toidy paper into the bowl and flush it away.

It would take the Army about twelve seconds to straighten out your sorry, papered protected ass.

That is all.

Quite a day, this.

First, the taxpayers of New Jersey, who are among the most heavily taxed in the nation, are told that we will be receiving “property tax relief”. Of course, much of the “relief” will be funded by the additional 16% more sales tax dollars each of us will fork over to Trenton as a result of the “one penny” sales tax increase enacted this year.

In addition, those of us who can do basic arithmetic know that, given the massive deficit the state faces and the increases in spending in the Corzine budget, the money to make up for the “tax relief” will have to come from somewhere.

Care to guess where the money will come from?

Then we read in the New York Times that,

… New Jersey has been diverting billions of dollars from its pension fund for state and local workers into other government purposes over the last 15 years, using a variety of unorthodox transactions authorized by the Legislature and by governors from both political parties.

For example, at one point, in a bond funding statement, New Jersey reported having made a $551 million contribution to the teachers pension fund for the 2005 fiscal year, but later, in an audited financial statement for the fund reported a $56 million contribution. It turns out that the actual amount contributed to the fund was ZERO.

It was estimated that the pension deficit could be $56 billion – Yes, that’s “billion,” with a “B”.

Earth to New Jersey Legislators and Governors, Past and Present: Properly funding future pension liabilities is a matter of federal law and regulation, and this money will have to be gotten from somewhere.

Care to guess where the money will come from?

My fellow New Jersey taxpayers, haven’t we now reached the point where Democrats and Republicans can finally agree that we have taken just about enough of this crap? If not, what the hell will it take?

VOTE THEM ALL OUT!

Speaker Pelosi During Her Excellent Adventure in Syria

Be afraid — Be very afraid.

That’s what I got tonight — Zip.

By contrast, Rube, the Jawja Blogger who lives in Germany, but who is moving to England, has himself some nice new digs, where, among other things, he has done some nifty analysis of the handwriting of another Jawja Blogger. Verrrrry interesting.

Speaking of Jawja Bloggers, he has also posted some pictures of the 2005 Wreckyll in Jekyll, the drunkathon also known as the “Georgia Writers Workshop”.

Go take a look.

So, let me get this shit straight.

We also had Republicans in Syria kissing Assad’s ass, thereby proving that the democrats don’t have a monopoly on assholery.

Does anyone recall voting for these idiots (of either political party) to represent the United States of America in matters of foreign policy?

Did the President appoint them to speak for the U.S.A.?

Let me answer that for you. NO!!

They are world-class assholes and arguably violators of the Logan Act… every single one of them.

Oh, and I just heard that the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that carbon dioxide is a “pollutant”. I shall henceforth exhale less.

I recommend keeping vodka in the freezer – lots of it.

I like hats. I like them a lot. I like all kinds of hats. I even have quite a few. In fact, the one pictured is my NASCAR hat I sometimes wear for my guy who drives the pea-shit green car, No. 18. I have a shitload of other ball caps that I wear (one at a time, of course) when I walk in the morning, and the reason for that is mainly to cover my yet-uncombed hair. It may be great farookin’ hair, but in the morning, it can be quite cavemanish. I also have a couple woolen sock caps that I wear (again, one at a time) when walking in the seriously freezing weather and when shoveling snowblowing. Function, not fashion, folks.

The thing is, other than the occasions noted above, I don’t wear hats very often, and there are a few reasons for that.

The first and perhaps most obvious reason is that I don’t wear hats is that I hate like hell to cover my head thereby preventing the world from beholding my great farookin’ hair. The second reason is that, once I put a hat on my head, I have to leave it there for the duration, because it invariably causes “hat-head,” an affliction common to those of us with lots of hair. The third and most important reason why I don’t wear hats very often is that I look like a bit of a douche bag when I wear a hat.

For example, I would LOVE to wear a cowboy hat, but as I’ve noted elsewhere, when I put one on, I look like a Jewish dentist named “Mel” trying to look like a cowboy. This is a strange phenomenon, given that I’m not Jewish, I’m not a dentist, and my name’s not “Mel”. Go figure.

I just don’t wear hats well.

There are some people who can put any damned thing on their heads and look great. My friend and bodyguard, Ken, looks great in any hat he wears, from a ball cap, to an Indiana Jones hat, to one of those cab driver caps, and even a Panama Jack straw number.

Same thing with Elisson. He’s the cat’s ass in his trademark white fedora, and I’ve seen him a sport couple other lids, and he wears the shit out of all of them. I met Elisson for the first time in Austin last year. I was in the hotel bar (naturally) and in the distance down the long hallway that led into the bar, I could see the white fedora bouncing up and down, and I knew just who it was under that lid. The man can sure wear a hat.

Then there is V-Man. I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures of him wearing the now infamous RED hat with the purple feather in it. Poifect! I’ve also seen a photo of him on someone’s blog (I think Elisson’s) wearing a farookin’ doo-rag (In New Orleans, I believe) and the sumbitch looked good in that too. He’s definitely another hat guy.

I can’t leave out RedNeck, who just wouldn’t be RedNeck without a baseball cap, usually one that has something to do with Budweiser. Another hat guy.

Some folks are hat peeps, and some are not, I suppose. We all play the hand we’re dealt.

Well, I’ll leave you with that clutch of pointless observations as I head off to Da Post (hatless, of course) to tip a few with the Usual Suspects.

Play nice today.

I have a request.

I received an e-mail from a reader who fled left New Jersey with his wife and young daughter a couple years ago and relocated to North Carolina. (Given the state of the State, there is a lot of that going around these days.)

Anyway, his wife used to sport a “Mile 0” sticker on her car. It was a depiction of the Mile Marker “0” sign that one sees at the terminus of the Garden State Parkway in Cape May. Turns out her car was totaled, and with it went the sticker. He would very much like to get a replacement for her.

If any of you live down that way, I would appreciate it if you could tell me where one might be able to buy such an item. I called a couple places that I thought might be promising (The Great White Shark, a cool store on the Mall in Cape May, and the Exit Zero* Store located in the Congress Hall Hotel in Cape May) and came up dry.

If you can help me help a Jersey EX-Pat help his spouse, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks.

* There is no “Exit Zero” on the Parkway – just so you know.

For the past week or so I’ve written a fair amount about pigs and assholes. Perhaps I’m caught up in some kind of cognitive loop, or maybe it’s just a coincidence that I feel compelled to note that it is extremely difficult for me to conjure up an image of a more obnoxious, loudmouthed, profoundly stupid person than this perfectly awful waste of oxygen.

Everything … everything … this loathsome moron says contains about as much useful information as does a beer fart. If you have the stomach to watch the clip, pay attention to when, in the course of explaining that the September 11 attacks were an inside job, she says, “It’s the first time in history that fire melted steel!” Actually she says that a couple times. Unbelievable.

I gather that she is pretty well paid for her obnoxious dumbshittery, which suggests that there are numerous people who think she is bright and/or funny. The cheers and applause from her studio audience when she is at her most obnoxious and stupid seem to suggest as much.

And that, dear friends, is a gottdamned shame.

**”Ignoranus” describes a person who is ignorant and and asshole. I didn’t coin the term, but I wish I had.

BEHOLD!

He wants to build a fifty foot robot in his likeness that would walk around the Las Vegas desert shooting laser beams.

I booshit you not.