April 13, 2007

Nancy’s Diary (Vol. 9) — My Excellent Adventure.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:40 pm


Dear Diary,

Hey, I just flew in from Syria, and boy are my arms tired! ROFLMAO!

OMG, this is the first chance I have had to catch up on my diary, because I was on a very important, most excellent dimploatic trip (Maybe you read something about it. LOL!!), where as the SPEAKER in the House I got to do lots of speaking with people who are almost as smart and as important me.

The plane ride was a riot. At first, Waxman was pretty stiff, but after a bottle or two of Cristal he started to loosen up. I fired up my Peter, Paul and Mary discs and convinced him to try some primo herb. It was a hoot when he started trying to sing “Puff the Magic Dragon,” and he’d get all confused and shit. Then he started snorting and pounding the chair laughing and saying stuff like, “Yeah, yeah. ‘Little Jackie Paper’ … Imagine if he had a brother named ‘Toilet’ or News’?” Then he tried to grab my ass. I can’t say I blame him.

Truth is, some people probably shouldn’t do herb. LOL!!

We spent a couple days in Israel, where I got to speak a lot to a lot of very important people, and were they ever glad I came, because they have some serious problems, and I solved one of their biggest problems in a jiffy.

I gave each of these seriously important people a crystal and we held hands in a circle until we all felt the right vibes. They obviously knew I was an expert at this, because they were all staring at me and saying nothing.

I am totally certain that they have serious denial issues, because do you believe that I had to explain to them that their biggest problem is that they just cannot seem to get along with their neighbors? I told them that you catch more vinegar with flies than honey … no, wait you catch more flies with vinegar than … no, wait! Oh, you know what I mean. I said, “Look, if your neighbors jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge or ran around with scissors, does that mean you have to do it too? And, a rolling stone gathers no moss.” They obviously got it, because they were all shaking their heads. This dimplomacy stuff is a snap.

Oh, then they took me for a ride around Jerusalem and we stopped by this wall. It was awesome. There was a bunch of people there, mostly dressed in black – sort of Gothic, who were head banging. I figured they were all wearing iPods, because I couldn’t hear any music. I forgot my iPod, so I had my driver pull the car near the wall and turn the volume way, way up on my Green Day disc. I hopped out of the car and joined in with the head bangers. They freakin’ loved it! They all stopped head banging, gathered in a group (like a moish pit) and watched me rock. It was awesome.

I know they hated to see me leave Israel, because everywhere I went people were saying “MESHUGENA!!” which they told me means “We’ll miss you!” Still, it was time to leave, because I had to go straighten out our shit with the Syrians.

I totally loved Syria. The day before I was going to meet the president, they asked me if I wanted to see “John the Baptist”. I figured it would be cool to meet an American who has a church in Syria. But, when we got there, the only thing left of John was his head! WTF? What a hoot! Those Syrians are a pisser.

OK, OK. I know. What about the scarf-on-my-head thing? Truth is, at the time, I was so wrecked ‘shrooms I don’t even remember putting the goddamned thing on. After a while, I got to liking it, and, in fact, I am going to introduce a resolution in the House of Congress that will require everyone to wear a headscarf every Thursday as a show of solidarity with our Syrian friends. Yeah, I will expect the men to wear them too – sort of like the ones “Little Steven” wears. OMG, I am going to sooooo miss the Sopranos.

Anyway, the next day I got to meet with the president of Syria. I knew the meeting would be totally great, because he totally never took his eyes off my tits. Well, that’s not exactly true, because he tried to look up my dress as I crossed my legs. I made sure he got a peek. Try that kind of dimplomacy, ChimpyMcHitlerburton!

I told him about my serious talks with the very important people in Israel and how the people there really want to be friends, and I explained to him what the world needs now is love, sweet love – No, not just for some, but for everyone. Then I let him grab my tits.

Obviously, it worked! He told me that he was a big fan of Larry David.

This dimplomacy stuff is a total no-brainer.

I’m glad to be back in the U.S.A., because I ran out of Cristal and decent weed over there. I ended up having to settle for some shit that I got from our interpreter. It tasted like ass and barely gave me a buzz.

Besides, I had to get back because my friend Barbra Streisand is throwing a huge party for me at her house (We made up, but psssssst Don’t mention the “saggy tits” thing, OK?). People are going to pay to come. How totally awesome is that? For $150,000, they can actually sit with me. I’m thinking of offering special pricing: an ass fondle for $175,000 and a bare tit grab for $250,000.

God, how I love being the SPEAKER in the House.

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4
Vol 5
Vol 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8


  1. … man, you’re gonna get sued…..

    Comment by Eric — April 13, 2007 @ 9:15 pm

  2. Jimbo, you are a farookin’ gem.

    Comment by gregor — April 13, 2007 @ 9:34 pm

  3. Genius! Wickedly funny.

    Comment by MCPO Airdale — April 13, 2007 @ 11:18 pm

  4. You are da man! Sheer genius… ROFLMAO!!!

    Comment by Teresa — April 14, 2007 @ 12:11 am

  5. Jimbo…a “moish pit?” The words aren’t coming, but Iamthisclose to deifying you.

    Comment by Erica — April 14, 2007 @ 1:11 am

  6. “Then he tried to grab my ass. I can’t say I blame him.”

    LMFAO! Jimbo, you made my week! I have been waiting for Nancy’s entry on her big trip; thanks for finally revealing it!

    Did you see that skanky sack of crap on the Tonight Show last night? What an absolute puke. She must THINK that she is SOOOOO in demand…what, with streisap’s insipid little soiree…and showing up on NATIONAl friggin’ TV on the Tonight Show (I hate Leno!)to tell everyone about her wonderful trip and how farookin’ wonderful she is.

    And don’t you just know that she’s sitting there thinking that she is just so damn HOT… and… and… SMART…and so much above all the rest of us little people that – gosh – where would she begin to list all of her wonderful and elitist attributes. It would simply take soooooo long! And besides, we wouldn’t really understand anyway because we are soooooo stupid!

    And all of this after jetting around the globe on the taxpayers’ dime! I.Detest.Her. And that goes for the butt-licking media that cavorts with her.

    I don’t recall ever seeing Denny Hastert on the Tonight Show when he was SPEAKER!

    However distateful the PC crowd thinks the phrase spoken by the infamous Imus, I can’t help but think of it every time I see that Skanky turd’s face PLASTERED on every damn mainstream publication…and hear her stupid comments on TV or the radio. Jeez, Nanc! Get over yourself. Your feminist crap is so old news and we’re all exceedingly tired of having that shit rammed down our throats…for the past frickin’ forty years from you goddamned, spoiled little pissy baby-boom generation! And, besides, Condy Rice beat you on the feminist achievment crap years ago…and she’s ten million times more brilliant than you…and better looking…and a gazillion times more accomplished than you…and so much more classy than you will ever hope to be.


    Comment by Lee — April 14, 2007 @ 2:28 am

  7. There’s that picture again. MUST YOU??????

    Comment by dogette — April 14, 2007 @ 8:05 am

  8. If a fondle is only 250 large…..what must a Pelosi-Lap Dance cost?

    Comment by Robbie K. — April 14, 2007 @ 10:03 am

  9. From Seequit Bunker north of the 38th Parallel, Land O’ the Morning Missle Launch, Norf Korea,
    DPRK 90210-

    OOOWEEEEEEE!!! There’s dat plicture again of Nancee Peelowsee!!! I cran not wait floor her visit!!
    Me sooo HORRRRRRRRNNNNNAAAAY!Me sooo ronery too!

    Deer JimBlowsan,
    Show plicture of Nancee wiff BULL-WHIP pleeeeeez! Or I kill you loooong time!
    Ruv you loooong time, Great Reader, KIM Jong IL

    Comment by JihadGene — April 14, 2007 @ 11:32 am

  10. Erica! I know!!!! *choking*

    Comment by Pixie — April 14, 2007 @ 3:59 pm

  11. “Oh, then they took me for a ride around Jerusalem and we stopped by this wall. It was awesome”

    You are way the f**k out there. I love it.

    Comment by Yabu — April 15, 2007 @ 12:55 am

  12. Simply hilarious!

    Comment by Jerry — April 15, 2007 @ 3:04 am

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