PRS Operatives have come upon a letter that was written on the campaign trail by Hillary to Nancy Pelosi (Hillary calls her “Pearl”). Behold.
I could just freakin’ shit!
Here I am in Gopher Nuts, Iowa finally getting a short break from spending day and night going all over this godforsaken place talking to all sorts of goobers with all sorts of shit on the bottom of their boots. Do you know that they wear friggin’ overalls here? Yeah, friggin’ overalls! And, they wear those stupid baseball hats with names of goddamned tractors on them – John Doore or some shit. If I get introduced to one more guy named Zeke, or one more woman named Mabel, I’ll goddamned scream.
Then there’s the corn. OMFG! The friggin’ corn. Since I’ve been here, I’ve had to eat corn on the cob, creamed corn, corn niblets, popped corn, corn dogs (cooked in goddamned corn oil), corn soup, corn chips, corn bread, corn flakes, corn muffins, and corn chowder. Who needs this shit?
Oh, and when it’s not corn, it’s the goddamned PORK!!! I’ve eaten pork chops, pork loin, pork sausages, bacon and even goddamned pig’s feet. (I fired the sonofabitch on my staff who was responsible for the pig’s feet thing).
Speaking of pork, this is a HOOT. Some guy comes up to me and asks what I think about pork belly futures. Do you believe it? The dumbshit actually thought I know something about futures? I gave him a wink and told him I was “bullish on bellies.” He sprinted away while frantically punching numbers into his cell phone. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh, and another thing! Why do I have to put up with all this shit to be President? What is with the creeps in my party (never mind the rethuglican assholes)? Didn’t they get the goddamned memo? I am supposed to be the next President, dammit! Joe Freakin’ Biden? Chris Freakin’ Dodd? WTF??? I let those pricks see my tits, and this is the thanks I get?
Listen, Pearly. After spending all this time in the Land of Perpetual Cowshit Stink, I will need some serious relaxation. How about I swing by your place on the bay on the way back to Washington and (ughh) Chappaqua? Maybe you could arrange for that guy Vito (the Chippendale guy) come over for some … you know… fun. OMFG! Remember the last time we had him? I could hardly walk for a week! LOL!! Tell him to bring lots of olive oil, and also tell him I’ll pay extra to throw cabbages at his ass.
Dammit, I’ve just been told that the mayor of Gopher Nuts wants to meet me. Just freakin’ shoot me.
Call me on my cell about the Vito thing, OK?
Ta ta for now,
P.S. I saw you on TV. You looked really hot.