Ms. Caroline Kennedy
155 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Dear President-Elect Obama:
I really hate to bother you while you are on your well-deserved vacation in Hawaii, but I would like to request your assistance in connection with a matter with which I am currently involved. Before I wrote this, I checked with my uncle, TED KENNEDY, and he told me that you wouldn’t mind hearing from me and assisting me. He also said that he was certain that my slain uncle, BOBBY KENNEDY and my brutally assassinated father, JOHN F. KENNEDY, would want you to help me. I’m pretty sure that my little brother, JOHN KENNEDY, who tragically died in a plane crash, and my deceased mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY, an American icon, would also be certain that you would help me with my current problem.
As you may know, I am seeking the appointment to the United States Senate to fill the seat that will be vacated by
that shrieking harpy whose ass you kicked in the primaries Hillary Clinton. I know that this appointment is solely within the power of David Paterson, the governor of New York, but I have a feeling that your recommendation (along with a few federal pot sweeteners) would convince him to appoint me.
You know what some people are saying? They have the nerve to say that I am not qualified to be a U.S. Senator and that I’m capitalizing on my name, which just happens to be the same as that of my uncle TED KENNEDY, my murdered uncle, BOBBY KENNEDY, my assassinated father JOHN F. KENNEDY, my died-too-soon brother, JOHN KENNEDY and my sainted mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY. Such a claim is preposterous. I am very qualified to be a United States Senator. I have a law degree, and I have done lots of really good and very important things, all of which qualify me to be a U.S. Senator. I am working on the list of things, and I promise to send it to you as soon as it’s finished.
Yes, it’s true that I missed voting in a bunch of elections, but who knew that my aroma therapy spa sessions would sometimes fall on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November. I have fired my appointment secretary, so that won’t happen anymore.
Despite my excellent qualifications, some people (even some from our own beloved Democratic Party) still insist that I am not qualified to be appointed to the Senate. So, in order to satisfy them and you, I promise to do the following things, if I am appointed.
1. I will read “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” in order to develop an actual personality. It really hurts me when people say I have the personality of a piss clam.
2. I will take a course in public speaking so that when I speak I don’t sound like I was just awakened from surgery.
3. I promise never, ever to use the words “lunch” and “vacation” as verbs.
4. I will get a map of the State of New York and make sure I know where they grow apples and places where it’s really cold in the winter. I will even visit one of those
shitholes quaint little towns north of Syracuse in the winter and have pancakes in a local restaurant.
5. I will spend some time with Rosie O’Donnell, so she can teach me how to be funny. Rosie rocks.
6. I will listen to rap music and that other kind of music you like, which I believe is called slip slop, so I can go down and be funky.
7. I will
vacation (ooopsie!) take a vacation at Coney Island and eat one of those hot dog things that they make at Famous Noonan’s.
8. I have already
lunched (another ooopsie!) eaten lunch with Al Sharpton, and I promise to spend more time getting down with the Bros and Sistas in Harlem. I understand that Bill Clinton is looking to sub-let his office there, as he never uses it.
9. I promise to take a ride on the subway. In fact, I have an appointment with one of my assistants who promised to show me where the subway is.
10. I promise to work not one minute less than two days per week (when the Senate is in session), if I am appointed.
I am looking forward to hearing from you, as is my uncle TED KENNEDY and as would be my murdered uncle BOBBY KENNEDY, my assassinated father JOHN F. KENNEDY and my tragically deceased brother JOHN KENNEDY and my beloved mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY.
Very truly yours,