December 23, 2007

Steep Slope.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 4:45 pm


Now that the federal government is in the business of mandating what kind of light bulbs Americans can use, I can see where this is headed.

100-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

Bright colors are banned. Colors are frivolous, and dye manufacturers are well known polluters. Henceforth, all fabrics will be grey.

40-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

Candles are banned as a source of dangerous greenhouse gases. Exceptions for use of candles in religious ceremonies will not be granted, for to do so would constitute an impermissible establishment of religion.

Christmas Holiday Winter Festival lights are banned as being a profligate waste of energy. Real Winter Festival trees are banned as wasteful destruction of greenhouse gas reducing flora. Artificial Winter Festival trees are also banned, as the manufacturers of such items are known polluters. State-approved Winter Festival trees, which are grey in color, eighteen inches tall and are manufactured from recycled paper, can be obtained at your local office of the Federal Bureau of Permissible Celebratory Goods (the “FBPCG”).

Separate clothing styles for men and women are banned, as being wasteful and promoting of differences between the sexes. Henceforth all citizens will wear the state-approved grey suit manufactured in China according to U.S. Government specifications, which specifications shall be established by the Federal Bureau of Egalitarian Clothing (the “FBEC”).

Automobile usage will not be permitted without first obtaining a usage permit from the Federal Bureau of Automobile Control (the “FBAC”). Eligibility for issuance of a usage permit will be based solely on the extent to which a citizen’s use of an automobile is in the interest of the state. If it is determined that a citizen is eligible to be assigned an automobile, the type and size of such automobile will be determined by the FBAC, based on family size and distance traveled to and from a citizen’s assigned workplace.

Desserts of any kind are banned as a prime source of obesity. Henceforth all citizens will be assigned a daily permissible caloric limit, which will be strictly enforced by the Federal Bureau of Caloric Control (the “FBCC”). In addition, alcoholic beverages are also banned as being a source of drunkenness and social disharmony. The alcoholic beverage ban will be enforced by a sub-department of the FBCC, known as the U.S. Department of Enforced Sobriety (the “USDES”).

Eating of any animal products is banned as being barbaric and insensitive to our animal neighbors on the planet.

All citizens will henceforth be required to assemble in their respective state-assigned locations for morning exercise. Exceptions will be permitted only upon presentation of a note from a physician from the citizen’s local Federal Health Center.

All firearms will be turned in to the Federal Bureau of Firearms Management (the “FBFM”). After June 1, 2015, firearms in the hands of citizens will be deemed contraband and will subject the violator to criminal sanctions. The FBFM is not authorized to make exceptions to this edict.

All written works and works of artistic expression in any form must be submitted to the Federal Bureau of Properspeak (the “FBP”) to ensure that nothing in any such works offends any citizen, anywhere.

The right and title to all property of any kind, whether real, tangible, or intangible, wherever situated, shall vest in the Federal Government, which, through the Federal Office of Property Distribution (the “FOPD”) shall be equitably distributed to its citizens according to their respective needs.

Fluency in the Spanish language shall be mandatory for all citizens.


Update: Check this out.

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