June 2, 2008

Ask Hillary (Vol. 10)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:46 pm

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton,

I think you’re totally awesome. I know that you went to Wesleyan and Yale and stuff, but you’re really just a regular person. You know, it’s just like you are one of my friends, like my friend Mandy. After work on Friday nights, me and Mandy (we work at the dog food factory in town) put on our sexy shit and go out to Elwood’s Tahitian Palace. They make great fancy drinks there with Hawaiian Punch and all. Anyway, me and Mandy usually drink until we puke, or until we get picked up, whichever comes first.

LOL!!! I’m laughing now because I remember the time that Mandy and me were in the bar all night drinking Elwood’s fancy Hawaiian Punch drinks and we were like really shitfaced. About one minute till closing time some really skeevy looking guy picked up Mandy, and when she got in his car she puked all over him. Red puke. LOL!!! It was awesome. You know, like, she puked and got picked up on the same night. I think that’s, like, ironical.

Anyway, like I said, I think you’re AWESOME, and so does Mandy. I forgot my question. Sorry.

Lurleen Stumpett

Dear Lurleen:

You’re right. I am awesome, but I really am just a plain old small town gal. Elwood’s sounds like a groovy place. Do they have Jefferson Airplane on the juke box? You like Grace Slick? She’s freakin’ awesome. I love Hawaiian Punch drinks. I have them all the time on my campaign plane. Once I’m elected (You and Mandy be sure to vote!!!!! Tell your friends at the dog food factory!!!!), I’ll give you and Mandy a call, so you can come visit me in the White House.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a longtime supporter of yours. I think you are awesome. I think is really cool that you have been able to campaign with Chelsea. She is awesome too. How was it to be able to campaign with her? I’ll bet it was awesome.

You guys are awesome.


Lillian Knapp

Dear Lillian,

You are obviously a very bright woman and awesome too. Yes, making all those campaign stops with Chelsea was awesome. Getting to answer questions and all. Really awesome. But, the best part was at the end of the day when Chelsea and I would get a chance to kick back and do some really awesome girlfriend things. I remember one night we each ate about a dozen deviled eggs with a couple six packs. We giggled like crazy, and then we lit our farts.

It was awesome.

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

I am 30-years old, and I live in New Mexico, and I think you are the smartest woman who ever lived. Mrs. Clinton, I would love to have you over to my house for some homemade Mexican food. I really make it good, and I’m sure you would like it.

I know that you probably get lots of fan mail and lots of letters from people inviting you places, and I know I am probably hoping against hope that you will even read this letter, much less agree to come to my house for Mexican food.

Please come. It would mean everything to me.

Most sincerely,

Consuela Hernandez

Dear Consuela,

I have wonderful news for you! I will definitely come to your house for homemade Mexican food. I freakin’ looooooove Mexican food, big time, especially the kielbasa and sauerkraut. I can (and do) eat tons of it, even though most times it gives me the trots.

I’ll be in touch!

Viva kielbasa!!

Dear Senator Clinton:

I’m tired of your bullshit. You can’t win, so when are you going to drop out of the race?

Kieth “O”

Dear Kieth “O”,

Drop out? Bullshit!

How’s about you caress my ample ass and kiss my mondo canckles?

Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9

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