January 27, 2010

State of the Union: My Plans.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:05 pm

I arrived back from the future House By the Parkway (where I did my own version of a stimulus package) in time to watch the State of the Union Address. My plan is to watch the spectacle, but I must point out that, thus far, I have never been able to stay awake for any speech by The One that was longer than about three minutes, which, of course, rules out most of his bloviations.

This time I’m making plans.

At the appointed time, I will be ensconced in Mr. Recliner, and I will be tuned into Fox News and C-Span (I’ll go back and forth). I don’t think my heart could take CNN or MSNBC.

I will keep a bottle of Jefferson’s Reserve Bourbon at the ready to dull my senses when The One begins to tell me what a swell job he has done so far. My friend Denny, who thankfully is on the mend following his accident, has proposed an SOTU drinking game. If I (or anyone else) were to follow Denny’s rules, there wouldn’t be enough EMTs in the country to deal with the emergency calls.

I will remove all hard objects within my reach. I will substitute them with things that won’t damage my television when I most certainly will want to throw stuff at the screen.

I will keep a puke bucket handy.

I will keep a “screaming pillow” by my side, so that when I scream at the television screen I can scream into the “screaming pillow” and not alarm people within a three block radius of the House By the Parkway.

Finally, I will constantly remind myself that this festering boil on the body politic is only temporary and that voters will have a chance to begin to fix things in 2010. Our job until then will be to mitigate the damage to the country and the Constitution.

The only advice I will impart is to fasten your seat belts, put your seat backs and tray tables in the upright position and prepare for impact.

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