Always at the ready and on top of things, PRS Operatives have managed to obtain the New Year’s Resolutions of several
world class assholes, infamous turds, well known people.
Helen Thomas: I will publish my autobiography, entitled “Those Friggin’ Joos!”
Chuck Schumer: This will be the year when I will get into Nancy Pelosi’s bloomers. I know she wants me.
Matt Damon: I will spend more time sharing my awesome knowledge of climatology with the world.
Cher: Seeing as how this year I finally completed memorizing the multiplication tables, I will try for the fifth time to get my G.E.D.
Harry Reid: This year I will change my image. I’ll get a pair of those aviator glasses that look like mirrors and a few tattoos, maybe a skull or eagles or something, and I’m going to demand that I be called “Hank.”
Barbra Streisand: I’m going to call Hugh Hefner and ask why he refused my request to be the Playmate-of-the-Month. I think he must be an anti-Semite or some shit.
Barack Obama: I will focus lake a laser on the most critical issues of 2011. First and foremost, I’m going to work on my golf game with the goal of breaking 100 on the front nine.
Michael Vick: I’ll buy a dozen cats. Might be fun.
Queen Elizabeth: I shall return the iPod to that dark skinned young fellow who is president of the colonies along with a note reminding him that he isn’t worth the sweat on Winston Churchill’s ass.
Gerry Brown: In 2011, I will make California … like … groovy.
Michelle Obama: I will limit myself to organic donuts so that, by the summer, I will be able to pose for the press in my sequined thong.
Joe Biden: I will go on that TV show to prove to the world that I am as smart as any damned fifth grader.
Update: A bit of clarification. Queen Elizabeth may be many things, but she is not an asshole. I was momentarily thrown off track because her resolution involved an asshole — a serious and dangerous asshole at that. Apologies to the Queen.