Always at the ready and on top of things, PRS Operatives have managed to obtain the New Yearâ€™s Resolutions of several
world class assholes, infamous turds, well known people.
Helen Thomas: I will publish my autobiography, entitled â€œThose Frigginâ€™ Joos!â€
Chuck Schumer: This will be the year when I will get into Nancy Pelosiâ€™s bloomers. I know she wants me.
Matt Damon: I will spend more time sharing my awesome knowledge of climatology with the world.
Cher: Seeing as how this year I finally completed memorizing the multiplication tables, I will try for the fifth time to get my G.E.D.
Harry Reid: This year I will change my image. Iâ€™ll get a pair of those aviator glasses that look like mirrors and a few tattoos, maybe a skull or eagles or something, and Iâ€™m going to demand that I be called â€œHank.â€
Barbra Streisand: Iâ€™m going to call Hugh Hefner and ask why he refused my request to be the Playmate-of-the-Month. I think he must be an anti-Semite or some shit.
Barack Obama: I will focus lake a laser on the most critical issues of 2011. First and foremost, Iâ€™m going to work on my golf game with the goal of breaking 100 on the front nine.
Michael Vick: Iâ€™ll buy a dozen cats. Might be fun.
Queen Elizabeth: I shall return the iPod to that dark skinned young fellow who is president of the colonies along with a note reminding him that he isnâ€™t worth the sweat on Winston Churchillâ€™s ass.
Gerry Brown: In 2011, I will make California â€¦ like â€¦ groovy.
Michelle Obama: I will limit myself to organic donuts so that, by the summer, I will be able to pose for the press in my sequined thong.
Joe Biden: I will go on that TV show to prove to the world that I am as smart as any damned fifth grader.
Update: A bit of clarification. Queen Elizabeth may be many things, but she is not an asshole. I was momentarily thrown off track because her resolution involved an asshole — a serious and dangerous asshole at that. Apologies to the Queen.