January 10, 2006

Ask Hillary (Vol. 4)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:37 am

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

I know that you are probably too busy doing really important things to spend much time watching television. But, I cannot help but wonder if you ever get any time to watch TV, and, if so, what is your favorite show?

Anna Schmendrick

Dear Anna:

You’re very perceptive. I really am really smart, and I am a very, very important person, so, naturally, I do spend tons of time doing really important stuff. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t fit in some TV time. LOL My favorite show? That’s easy. I totally (and I mean TOTALLY) love “The View.” Those babes rock! Where else can you find a group of seriously smart women talking about very, very important things. For example, they TOTALLY hate men and republicans, and, girlfriend, that works for me!!! LOL!!! Of course, my bestest fave of all of them is Barbara Walters. Let me tell you, girlfriend, she can ask some really tough questions. No softballs there. I remember one time she asked me, “If you were a can of soup, what kind of soup would you be?” That is so TOTALLY deep. Besides, I just love how she says, “Hillawee”.

P.S. Fooled ya!! I’ll bet you thought I was going to say that Geena Davis thing. She’s not really, really smart like me, and I’m much better looking.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a senior in college, and I am working on a term paper that deals with the Clinton Years in the Whitehouse. I have read things that imply that your behavior before and after the death of Vincent Foster (and the behavior of your staff after his death) suggest that you know more about the circumstances surrounding Mr. Foster’s death than you have disclosed to date. It would be very helpful to me and my academic future if you would clear this up.

Rachel C. Davidson

Hey Rachel,

Who is this Vincent Foster of whom you speak? Being a really, really important person, I meet lots of people, and I cannot be expected to remember everyone’s name, now can I? Wish I could be of more help. Have you tried Google?

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

I have read that, when you lived in the White House, you didn’t get along well with your staff and that you don’t get along well with your present staff either. Senator, I just want to let you know that I don’t believe that for a second, because I’ve seen you on TV many times, and you seem to me to be a very nice person.

Stephanie Gluckstein

Dear Steph:

Thank you for this excellent question. People have been saying these awful things about me … like…for-EVER! It is true that I have had to let a few staff members go over the years, but that’s because they failed to follow a few simple rules. You have rules where you work, don’t you Steph? Most of those who were let go violated Rule Number One, which simply states that, because I so really, really important, everyone on my staff must avert their eyes in my presence. Now, I ask you, how hard is that? And yet, some of these bastards (pardon my French LOL) actually insisted on looking at me when they spoke to me. Can you imagine that? The fact is that I get along very well with my staff members who follow the rules. But, there are always a few smart asses who think the rules don’t apply to them. I can tell you this, girlfirend: If someone violate Rule Number One, they’ll be out on the street faster than you can say, “I feel your pain,” and a few days later, the IRS will be on them like white on rice. You don’t mess with a really, really important person. ROTFLMAO!!!

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