March 2, 2006

The Rubber Chicken Circuit. (Updated)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:20 pm

Lecturn.jpgUpdate: It occured to me that some of you might have thought that the site linked to below is a gag site. It isn’t. It is an agency site, which lists hundreds of people available for speaking engagements. The prices and the people associated with them are real. The smartass comments in italics are mine.[/update]

It seems like anyone who is anyone these days is a speaker for hire. Do you find yourself on the Entertainment Committee of your Moose Lodge or PTA and not knowing what to suggest for the annual dinner dance? Fear not, for your organization can hire all sorts of people to speak on an endless variety of subjects for a rather wide range of fees.

This site lays it all out. One can search by name, topic, and even price range (some speakers such as Al Gore don’t publish a fee range). Here is a sampling of the folks who caught my attention for one reason or another:

$5,000 – $10,000
Eleanor Clift For a twenty percent surcharge, Ms. Clift will do the talk with the stridency and ear shattering volume that has become her trademark on the McLaughlin Group.

$10,000 – $20,000
Anita Hill Having exhausted her fifteen minutes, presumably Ms. Hill will talk about … well …Clarence Thomas, body hair and soda cans

Brandi Chastain, the soccer champion For an additional fee (to be negotiated), Ms. Chastain will rip off her shirt at the conclusion of the talk.

$20,000 – $30,000
Aaron Brown His talk: “It’s Plain to See that I’m Way Smarter than All of You. Just Look at Me, For Chrissake”.

Wolf Blitzer His talk: “What it was Like Growing up with a Name that Sounds Like one of Santa’s Reindeer”.

Arianna Huffington For an additional fee, Ms. Huffington will even dress like Zsa Zsa.

Johnny Bench Special discounts offered for speaking engagements at floating crap games.

$30,000 — $50,000
Andrea Mitchell Her talk: “How Don Imus’s Ass Tastes, and Why It’s OK that I’m Not doing as well on the Rubber Chicken Circuit as my Husband”.

Ann Coulter Ms. Coulter does not mind hecklers, but she requires that no throwable desserts be served after dinner.

Charlie Rose For an additional $3,000, Mr. Rose will wear a pressed suit.

Diane Sawyer Her talk: “The Art of Appearing to be Sincere.”

Hank Aaron There will be a twenty percent surcharge if Mr. Aaron is asked, “How did it feel to break Babe Ruth’s record?”

Jason Alexander Please instruct the audience that Mr. Alexander is not to be referred to as “George Costanza,” nor will he perform any George Costanza bits. Mr. Costanza Alexander is a serious actor and expects to be treated as such.

Sam Donaldson Absolutely no questions about Mr. Donaldson’s hair will be permitted.

Rosalynn Carter Her talk: “Life with Jimah, the Whackadoo — You Think It’s Easy?”.

More than $50,000
Al Franken His talk: “Bill O’Reilly is a Stinking Liar, and I can Kick His Ass.”

Bill O’Reilly His talk: “Al Franken is, and Always was, an Unfunny Asshole, and I can Kick his Ass.” Note: Those organizations with serious money should consider booking Messrs. Franken and O’Reilly on the same night.

Bob Costas His talk: “I May be Dim, but I’ve Seen Katie Couric’s Boobs.”

Dan Rather We regret that Mr. Rather is currently unavailable to do speaking engagements, as we have been informed that he is “hot on the Dick Cheney Hunting Story”, and he promises documents.

Jimmy Carter His talk: “Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from Michael Moore”.

Michael Moore His talk: “How I Taught Jimmy Carter Everything He Needs to Know”.

More than $100,000
Bill Cosby For an additional fee, Mr. Cosby will share Jello Pudding with select audience members, while he talks like an intoxicated child.”

Bill Maher Due to the extraordinary number of people who have expressed an interest in kicking Mr. Maher’s ass, he requires that special accommodations be made for his thirty-person security detail.

Dennis Miller His talk: “Why Bill Maher is a Sissy-Boy Snot who Deserves to be Slapped, and Why I’m Just the Guy to Do It”.

Katie Couric Her talk: “I May Have Let America Look up my Ass, but That Doesn’t Mean that You can Speak with Me”.

More than $150,000
Dr. Phil His talk: “My Story — From a No-Talent Goober to a Gazillionaire — Bullshit Sells”.

Lance Armstrong His talk: Screw You! I Could Too Have Gotten Sheryl Crow Even Without the Bike Thing”.

More than $200,000
The Donald For an additional $100,000, Mr. Trump will say “You’re fired!” For an additional $200,000, Mr. Trump will say “You’re fired” and do that thing with his right hand. A bargain at twice the price.

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