A Jersey Bar Tale.
At about ten minutes before closing time in Donovan’s Pub in Jersey City, Joe Crook enters the bar, pulls a gun on Mike the owner/bartender and says, “Empty the register. Now!”
Mike: “OK, buddy. Take it easy. Stay calm. I’ll cooperate. Just be careful with that gun.”
Crook: “Fine. Hurry up, and no one will get hurt.”
Mike: (Removes money from register and turns towards Crook) “Wait a minute. What do you think you’re doing?”
Crook: “What the hell does it look like I’m doing? I’m holding up the place, fer Chrissake.”
Mike:Â “I know that, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
Crook:
Mike:Â “You just lit a cigarette!”
Crook:Â “Yeah, so what?”
Mike: “No smoking allowed. It’s the new law. I’m going to have to ask you to take that outside.”
Crook:Â “Don’t you see that I have a gun in my hand?”
Mike: “Sure. I see that, but I also see that you have a cigarette in the other hand, and you’ll have to take that outside.”
Crook:Â “You must be out of your mind.”
Mike: “Sorry, but you can’t smoke in here. It’s the law, man.”
Crook: “Don’t hand me that crap. This is a goddamned robbery.”
Mike:Â “I know that, but I’m going to have to ask you again to take that cigarette outside, and be sure to move at least twenty-five feet away from the door.”
Crook: “Jesus Christ! OK, I’ll put the damned thing out. Now hand over the money.”
Mike:Â “I’m sorry, but I can’t offer you an ash tray.”
Crook: “You must some kind of nutcase. You want me to go outside to smoke, and then what? I’m supposed to come back inside to finish this robbery?”
Mike:Â “Suit yourself, but you may have to hurry. Â I’m closing in seven minutes.”
Crook: “Just my goddamned luck. Of all the joints in the city to stick up, I hadda pick one run by a kook.  (Walks to the door and flicks the cigarette into the street) OK, happy now? Hand over the cash.”
Mike: (Hands Crook the money)
Crook: “What’s this shit? There’s only twenty-three bucks here. Where’s the rest of it?”
Mike: “There is no “˜rest of it’. That’s it. That’s all of it.”
Crook: “Don’t bullshit me. It’s Saturday night, and you’re telling me you only took in twenty-three dollars?”
Mike: “Yep. All my former customers are smokers. I’m gonna have to sell the place and get a job.”
Crook: “Man, that stinks. Waddya gonna do?”
Mike: “I’m thinking about running for the State Assembly. A guy can make some real money there.”
Crook: “Damn, I had no idea. I haven’t been reading the papers. Here, take the money back. Do I have time for a beer?”
Mike:Â “Sure, just as long as you don’t smoke.”
Crook:Â “Tell me more about that State Assembly thing.”
