February 7, 2007

Workin’ 9 to 5?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:06 pm

Remember back in 2001 when the General Services Administration signed a ten-year lease (at $354,000 per year) for Bill Clinton’s office on 125th Street in Harlem?

I sure do.

Now that we’re closing in on the sixth year of the lease term, I wonder how many times Bill has been to the place.

Just thinking out loud is all.

February 6, 2007

Rob’s Songs.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:09 pm

Da Goddess has posted two of Rob’s songs, neither of which I had previously heard.

Justice Laid Me Low (a song about a Lady of the Evening – at least he thought she was)

The Dutchman (I believe that’s Rob’s brother singing lead on this most excellent tune.)

Man, did I love pickin’ and grinnin’ with those guys.

Un-Holy Crap!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:11 am

leeK rwinI.jpgMore often than I care to admit, I find myself awakened in the wee hours of the morning by the sound of an infomercial that is all about, … well …, shit. Perhaps you’ve seen it. It pitches a product called “Dual Action Cleanse” and features a fellow named Klee Irwin, the self-proclaimed developer of the product, talking to two people (at least one of whom purports to be a physician, as I recall) all about, … well …, shit.

If this Klee fellow is to be believed, we are all strutting about with a pickup truck-sized load of shit parked in our intestines at any given time. This, in turn, is causative of everything from diabetes to global warming. What to do?

Klee says that what we all need is a damned good cleaning, which will result in the production of longer and fatter stronzi.

Can I get an “Amen”?

Perhaps the weirdest part of the infomercial is Klee Irwin’s appearance. He has slicked-back, mondo greasy hair, lots of make up and one of those pencil-thin mustaches (see above), which reminds me of Steve Buscemi’s scuzzoid character in the movie Fargo. Perhaps the theory is that, if you are going to be a snake-oil salesman**, you might as well look like a snake oil salesman.

Here is a site that contains some quotes and video clips of Klee Irwin talking animatedly about the size (length and girth) of his four- year old daughter’s turds. No kidding.

By comparison, the infomercial in which Ron Popeil pitches that “Set it, and Forget it” gizmo is a work of art.

No shit.

** Here is a medical review of “Dual Action Cleanse”. Klee Irwin’s company has marketed several other products, such as Green Tea Fat Metabolizer, Steel Libido for Women, Phase 2 Carb-Blocker, and the Feel Good Chocolate Diet. Notably, at least one of his other products has earned him a love note from the FDA.

February 4, 2007

Super Bowl, 2007.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:31 pm

uperS owlB 07.jpgToday, like 90+ million people, I will watch the Super Bowl. Truth is, I probably don’t even rise to the level of a casual football fan. I can probably name, at best, one or two players on either the Colts or the Bears. Maybe I can name twice that many on the team that plays in New Jersey and calls itself the “New York” Giants. Still, it is difficult not to be swept up into what has become a National Happening.

This year, as in past years, I will attend the Super Bowl Party at “Da Post”. My buddy Paulie and his brother Willie (the drag racer, who lets me pretend that I’m a member of the Pit Crew – the Junior Assistant Apprentice Parachute Packer and minder of the torque wrench), run the event. For a single, very reasonable, price there will be an open bar and lots of “manly” food available (on any other day, it might be called a hot and cold buffet, but not today).

Of course, the price of admission is only the starting point, because when I walk in the door, Willie, who is the “Pool Meister” will probably relieve me of at least fifty bucks, all the while calling me a “cheap f**k” loudly enough to get the attention of those who might have planned only to invest one or two bucks on a “square”, thereby causing them to rethink their wagering position. It’s become somewhat of a ritual, and I love it.

While Willie is running the pools (two for each quarter, two for the final score, and a couple more for God knows what else), Paulie mans the bar, and is often way more entertaining than the game – even the commercials.

Paulie’s non-stop, hilarious commentary on, well, everything, is worth the twice the price of admission. One of the best parts of the show is Paulie’s attempts to grapple with a drink request more complicated than a opening a bottle of his beloved Budweiser and his dishing the requestor a good-natured ration of shit.

You want a Manhattan? What the f**k color panties are you wearin’? Yo, Jimbo! This guy wants a Manhattan! How do you make that shit?

Hell, from time to time, I may even look in on the game.

America – Is this a great country, or what?

February 3, 2007

False Starts.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:04 pm

Have you ever gotten a paragraph or two into a post, only to take a look at the screen and think, “Feh!”? When this happens a couple of times during one sitting, I believe it is time to

Step. Away. From. The. Computer.

And so I shall.

Later.

February 2, 2007

TJ Sings!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:12 pm

Here are some examples of daughter TJ singing, thereby reminding the old man that he’s just a saloon singer.

Dat’s my goil!

Give it a listen.

February 1, 2007

Hillary Writes from Iowa.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:32 pm

PRS Operatives have come upon a letter that was written on the campaign trail by Hillary to Nancy Pelosi (Hillary calls her “Pearl”). Behold.


Dear Pearl,illaryH owaI.jpg

I could just freakin’ shit!

Here I am in Gopher Nuts, Iowa finally getting a short break from spending day and night going all over this godforsaken place talking to all sorts of goobers with all sorts of shit on the bottom of their boots. Do you know that they wear friggin’ overalls here? Yeah, friggin’ overalls! And, they wear those stupid baseball hats with names of goddamned tractors on them – John Doore or some shit. If I get introduced to one more guy named Zeke, or one more woman named Mabel, I’ll goddamned scream.

Then there’s the corn. OMFG! The friggin’ corn. Since I’ve been here, I’ve had to eat corn on the cob, creamed corn, corn niblets, popped corn, corn dogs (cooked in goddamned corn oil), corn soup, corn chips, corn bread, corn flakes, corn muffins, and corn chowder. Who needs this shit?

Oh, and when it’s not corn, it’s the goddamned PORK!!! I’ve eaten pork chops, pork loin, pork sausages, bacon and even goddamned pig’s feet. (I fired the sonofabitch on my staff who was responsible for the pig’s feet thing).

Speaking of pork, this is a HOOT. Some guy comes up to me and asks what I think about pork belly futures. Do you believe it? The dumbshit actually thought I know something about futures? I gave him a wink and told him I was “bullish on bellies.” He sprinted away while frantically punching numbers into his cell phone. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh, and another thing! Why do I have to put up with all this shit to be President? What is with the creeps in my party (never mind the rethuglican assholes)? Didn’t they get the goddamned memo? I am supposed to be the next President, dammit! Joe Freakin’ Biden? Chris Freakin’ Dodd? WTF??? I let those pricks see my tits, and this is the thanks I get?

Listen, Pearly. After spending all this time in the Land of Perpetual Cowshit Stink, I will need some serious relaxation. How about I swing by your place on the bay on the way back to Washington and (ughh) Chappaqua? Maybe you could arrange for that guy Vito (the Chippendale guy) come over for some … you know… fun. OMFG! Remember the last time we had him? I could hardly walk for a week! LOL!! Tell him to bring lots of olive oil, and also tell him I’ll pay extra to throw cabbages at his ass.

Dammit, I’ve just been told that the mayor of Gopher Nuts wants to meet me. Just freakin’ shoot me.

Call me on my cell about the Vito thing, OK?

Ta ta for now,
Hilly

P.S. I saw you on TV. You looked really hot.

Perhaps the Sorriest Ass Ever.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 12:06 am

Randy at A Secular Franciscan Life posted a hilarious video of a guy who gets an “F” in burglary. If you look up “Sorry Ass” in the dictionary, no doubt you’ll see this guy’s picture.

And, there is a happy ending.

Update: Sheesh, it took me two days to see a massive typo in the farookin’ TITLE. Oy!

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