It has been quite some time since Jimbo’s Deli updated its menu of specialty, celebrity-named sandwiches. We offer here an alternate version of the Ted Kennedy and six brand new entries. Without further ado, they are as follows:

The Ted Kennedy 2
A whopping pound of pan-seared sperm whale blubber served with an entire loaf of spongy white bread.

The Spitzer
Five-Diamond, well seasoned young tuna on sourdough bread. (Full payment in advance required)

The McGreevey
Two hot dogs in one soft taco. (Served with special TGIF relish)

The Sharpton
Hog jowls (greasy, like you like ‘em) topped with baloney and served on stale bread.

The McCain
Nothing but a heaping portion of freshly picked lettuce served on thick crusted white bread.

The Jeremiah Wright
Piles of turkey (no Goddamned white meat!) served on cornbread.

The Obama
One slice of black bread and one slice of white bread with nothing inside.