February 2, 2009

Nancy’s Diary (Vol. 13) — “We Won!”

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:46 pm

Pelosi.jpgDear Diary,

O.M.F.G.!!!!!!! What a time it has been!!!!! No wonder I have neglected my diary. Here are the high points.

Prior to Election Day, I was really busy being the SPEAKER in the House and attending campaign events. I am a very important person who does very important and very non-partisan work, like attending meetings with Barney Frank. He’s soooooo smart, and he’s an absolute hoot! I get a special kick out of him, because … well … you know. When I see him I always say, “Barney, are you sure you don’t want to touch my tits? Everyone else does.”

He always giggles and says, “Oh Nancy, you’re such a naughty vixen. If they were only manboobs!” He’s a real pisser, I tell ya. Once, I even tricked him into saying “Sufferin’ Succotash!” LMAO!!!!

Then came election day. Holy shit. Except for a half-dozen glasses of Cristal in the morning (mixed with a capful of orange juice makes it a health drink), I didn’t drink until the polls closed. OK, I’m lying. I drank like a fish all damned day, and when I wasn’t drinking I was burning up some primo shit.

You know how they say people remember exactly what they were doing when something BIG happened? You know? Like the Kennedy assassination, or the unveiling of a new line of Gucci bags? Well, I can tell you exactly what I was doing when CNN called the election for Obama. I was wearing my French Maid’s outfit. I was shitfaced and stoned with my hand down the pants of a Hungarian Hunk named Miklos, whom I rented for the day. OMFG!!!! While Wolf Blitzer was still talking, Miklos ripped off my outfit and went to town. Hollllllly shit! He sure knows his way around my goulash. It was AWESOME!!!

Poor Hilly. I called her to see if she wanted to come over for some refreshments and to see Miklos play naked Gypsy violin music, especially the songs where he uses his “special bow!!” OMFG!!!! I could barely understand her on the phone. She was breathless, crying and yelling and screaming all sorts of obscenities at Bill. I’m pretty sure she was throwing stuff too. Oh, well. Sucks to be her.

Unfortunately, after the election, I still had to some very important SPEAKER stuff to do, like, working with Barney and Chris to straighten out the financial mess that the maroon from Texas and his failed policies got us into. That Chris is a really smart guy, and he told me that if I’d flash him, he’d get me a sweet re-financing deal. Boobs away!!!!! LOL!!!!! What a hoot.

Inauguration Day was un-freakin’believable. It was totally awesome being on the podium with other seriously important people, even though it was cold as hell. I didn’t much appreciate Harry Reid rubbing his thing against my ass and whispering “I know how to keep you warm, Nancy.” During the President’s speech, no less! Well, I guess I can’t blame him.

The parties!!!! There were so many, but my favorite was the one thrown by MSNBC. I never saw so much excellent blow in one place at one time. Totally AWESOME. Keith Olbermann was in the kitchen, drunk as shit, drinking German beer from one of those stein things. Actually, he was dribbling more than he was drinking, because he was doing nonstop “special commentaries.” He is really smart. When he noticed me in the room, he stopped talking and walked right up to me and stared at my tits. I said, “Like what you see, Slugger?”

He took off his glasses and said, “Don’t you think I look like Superman when I take my glasses off? Check it out. Glasses on – Keith Olbermann. Glasses off – Superman!” Like I said, the guy is really, truly smart. Awesomely smart.

Chrissy Mathews showed up. OMG, he is soooooo cute. If you think he talks fast on television, you should have seen him after he’s done a couple lines of premier blow. Holy crappitolly!! He’s like a verbal string of firecrackers! He walked up to me and said, “I love a Ginny broad with a sweet ass. You send a major tingle up my leg.” With that, he hustled my fine ass into the kitchen pantry. Maybe it was the blow, but now I think I know why they call him “Tweety.”

The things I do for my country.

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4
Vol 5
Vol 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol.10
Vol. 11
Vol. 12

21 Comments »

  1. Very funny, but guess who won’t get a window seat on her C-40 that flies coast-to-coast at our expense to drag her aged ass to work as she misspends gazillions of our tax dollars!

    Comment by Ernie Nilsen — February 2, 2009 @ 9:35 pm

  2. ROFLMAO!!! So where was the part where Obama walks in and Chrissy Matthews tells Nance… “sorry sugar tits, I have to go hump our new president’s leg”?

    *grin*

    Comment by Teresa — February 3, 2009 @ 12:49 am

  3. You realize, of course, that this is all going into your File in the Obamessiah Admenstruation, and you’re going to be in such deep shit when they get around to looking at it, right?

    Comment by DMerriman — February 3, 2009 @ 12:54 am

  4. “Sufferin’ Succotash!” Bwwhahahahaha!

    Wow, Jimbo. Another classic!

    Comment by Jerry from Indiana — February 3, 2009 @ 1:20 am

  5. PJ O’Rourke just joined a nunnery…
    you owe me a keyboard.

    Comment by gregor — February 3, 2009 @ 8:24 am

  6. Hehehe, excellent!

    Comment by Mr. Bingley — February 3, 2009 @ 9:00 am

  7. Jimbo…….

    “Sufferin Succotash” by Barney Fwank, Destined for immortality.I am once again in awe of your imagination!

    Don Surber came up with a good one also when comparing the lack of Goverment help for people from the ice storm in Kentucky to Katrina …..”While Obama doze,people froze”.

    i do not know what shit you guys are smoking but I`ll take a bag or two.

    Comment by dudley1 — February 3, 2009 @ 9:14 am

  8. Very funny! You are such a wit!

    Comment by Kevin — February 3, 2009 @ 9:49 am

  9. “He sure knows his way around my goulash.”

    Priceless.

    Comment by dogette — February 3, 2009 @ 6:22 pm

  10. Elisson did a book. Why not you?

    Comment by Jean — February 3, 2009 @ 9:38 pm

  11. “Hollllllly shit! He sure knows his way around my goulash”!!!!! Jimbo, how the hell do you come up with this stuff? Goulash?!!!! Thanks for making my day complete with your most excellent sense of humor! Two King O administration candidate withdrawals…followed by your blog. Excellent.

    Comment by Lee — February 4, 2009 @ 2:06 am

  12. OH.MY.GAWD……….
    Soon as I saw the title I put down my drink. I’ve learned my lesson not to drink while reading Nancy’s diaries.

    “OK, I’m lying. I drank like a fish all damned day, and when I wasn’t drinking I was burning up some primo shit.”
    I can’t stop giggling over that. And the goulash comment.
    Priceless as always.

    Comment by Maeve — February 4, 2009 @ 2:19 am

  13. Just think a few weeks ago Pelosi was the highest ranking elected Democrat, 3rd in the Presidential succesion and now there are two Democrats above her.

    Comment by Dan Kauffman — February 4, 2009 @ 7:35 am

  14. Heheheheheheeee!! Too funny!

    Comment by Richmond — February 4, 2009 @ 8:47 am

  15. CLASSIC! Tricked Barney Frank into sayin “Sufferin’ Succotash”!! BWAHAHAha!!!

    Comment by JihadGene — February 4, 2009 @ 1:01 pm

  16. Jimbro!
    Remember the 80′s tune 867-5309?
    Well how’s about joining in song with Madame Spleaker Nancy Pelosi singing the Tommy Tutone Hit called 867-5309 to KIM JONG IL! YEAH BABY!!!

    PYONGYANG 75309

    Kimmy, Kimmy, who can I turn to?
    You give me some rockets I can hold onto
    I know you think I’m like the others before
    Who saw your name and number on the wall

    Kimmy, I got your number,
    I need to make you mine.
    Kimmy, don’t change your number,
    Pyongyang 7-5-3-0-9 (P.Y.7-5-3-0-9)
    Pyongyang 7-5-3-0-9 (D.P.R.K. 3-0-9)

    Kimmy, Kimmy, you’re da bomb to me.
    You don’t know me but you make me so hornay!!! (looong time)
    I tried to call you before but I lost my gavel.
    I tried my imagination, but I was unraveled.

    Kimmy, I got your number,
    I need to make you mine.
    Kimmy, don’t change your number,
    Pyongyang 7-5-3-0-9 (COMMIE 7-5-3-0-9)
    Pyongyang 7-5-3-0-9 (SOCIALIST 5-3-0-9)

    I got it, I got it, I got it!
    I got your number on the wall!
    I got it, I got it, I got it!
    For a good time, for a good time crawl….

    Jong IL, don’t change your number.
    I need to make you mine.
    Great Reader, I’ll call your number,
    Bite Me 7-5-3-0-9 (Bailout 7-5-3-0-9)
    Daschle 7-5-3-0-9 (Loser 7-5-3-0-9)

    Kimmy, Kimmy who can I turn to? (Jo Mama 7-5-3-0-9)
    For the price of a bailout I can always turn to you.
    (OBAMA 7-5-3-0-9)
    (Stimulate THIS 5-3-0-9)
    (John McCAIN 5-3-0-9)
    (Open Borders 5-3-0-9)
    (Dumb Ass 7-5-3-0-9)

    KIM JONG IL 7-5-3-0-9(//fade out//)
    Great Reader 7-5-3-0-9
    DickTater 7-5-3-0-9
    Kimchee 7-5-3-0-9

    Comment by JihadGene — February 4, 2009 @ 1:48 pm

  17. Hey, are you back in business for good, or are they screwing with your loyal fans’ heads again?

    Comment by Erica — February 5, 2009 @ 9:38 am

  18. OMG…I just intercepted this ultra top secret message via the super secret spy satellite orbiting around Uranus.

    Attention, members of the conservative resistance. let this be a warning to one and all. Vee Have Vays of preventing you from forwarding your communications that The One finds objectionable.
    Spreading rumors about the libido of our Our Most Holy Speakerness, no matter how true, will not be tolerated.
    Any messages that do not promote the health and happiness of the people or do anything to provide the American People with negative images of The One will be quickly and harshly dealt with.
    The gentleman on that rebel website http://www.parkwayreststop.com was spared only because we need to know how he got to those diaries. The One is very curious over how this rebel knew that Her Most Holy Speakerness loves to have her boobies fondled as The One thought he was the only One permitted to tickle those funbags. Once it has been ascertained how he acquired said materials….that rebellious traitor will be brought in for re-education and getting his mind right.
    That is all.

    Transmission Complete

    Comment by Robbie K. — February 5, 2009 @ 1:54 pm

  19. Once, I even tricked him into saying “Sufferin’ Succotash!”

    Oh dear God… effin’ hilarious!

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — February 5, 2009 @ 9:29 pm

  20. Every time I see a picture or hear a statement from Nancy Pelosi, I think of my high school biology class.
    Among other things, we dissected frogs. I remember cutting down through the frog’s skull and exposing this little nodule, about half the size of a BB. The frog’s brain. I think there’s a correlation there somewhere.

    Comment by Tbird — February 5, 2009 @ 10:14 pm

  21. you are a genius. i really like the goulash comment, without the humor, that sentence would have made my brain explode.

    Comment by supergurl — February 7, 2009 @ 9:40 am

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