I don’t know if it’s a nationwide thing, but around here Comcast has decided to drop its analog signal. What that means is that if you have a TV already hooked up to digital service (as is the one in the room with Mr. Recliner), you’re cool for that TV. However, if you have other Comcast cable TVs, which are not hooked up to a digital box, you will lose a shitload of stations. For those TVs, one needs the digital thingy, available from Comcast.

Comcast has sent letters and made robo-calls reminding users that they may well need one or more digital thingies. As an additional “reminder,” certain stations began to disappear over the last few days. I finally got off my arse and ordered two digital thingies. They arrived the other day, and being lazy and a techno-chicken, I let them sit in the box for a few days, thinking that maybe there will be nuclear strike or something and I won’t have to deal with them. However, tonight, Fox News dropped off the scope on the kitchen TV, and it was time for action.

As usual, I broke out in a sweat at the thought of screwing around with wires and televisions, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. So, I followed all the setup directions and then logged into the website to activate the thingies. Well, it worked, but knowing how I fare with things techno, I thought, “Yo, this was way too easy.”

Of course, I was right.

Everything was cool with the TV in the kitchen until I tried to use the new remote that came with the thingy to turn the TV off. No dice. What now? Leave the TV on forever? Rather than risk a cardiovascular accident, I turned the TV off with the old remote, and I resolved to deal with it tomorrow. I had enough of coaxial cables, and checking for blinking lights on remotes for the night.

Wrong.

It seems the upstairs TV when squirrely when Mrs. Parkway tried to watch a DVD. Mind you, this is a DVD that only plays discs; it doesn’t record anything, so the setup instructions for a TV/VCR that came with the thingy did not apply (there is no coaxial input on the DVD player). After about 45 minutes of pushing various buttons on two remotes, it seems that the problem was not with the digital thingy, but rather the series of button pushes one has to do to turn on the DVD player without screwing up the TV.

This “easy setup” gobbled up a few hours in the shank of the evening.

So, at the end of the day and my latest bout with electronic stuff, here are my thoughts. The digital thingy is yet another damned widget, it occupies yet another socket, it has left us with a bunch of messy wires to contend, a remote that still has to be fiddled with, and a bizarre series of button pushes in order to watch a DVD. What we get in return are a handful of additional program offerings, none of which interest me in the least.

I suppose I should stop bitching, because I’m old enough to remember sitting real close to the ten-inch black and white with rabbit ears sitting atop the box (usually with balled up tinfoil on the end of each “ear” for enhanced reception) and having to change the channels (chunk, chunk, chunk) with a pair of pliers, all to watch Howdy Doody.

Yes, it truly is the non-breaking, non-exclusive, non-blockbuster story of the day. It is guaranteed not to keep you glued to your radio or to your TV screen for hours on end, but HERE IT IS.

Brace yourself.

My Waste-of-Oxygen congressperson was one of the swine who voted to continue to fund ACORN. Jesus Christ!

ACORN, in my view, is ripe for a RICO indictment, but the chances of that happening under The One’s administration are about equal to the chances of getting hit with a piece of space junk while on a date with Heidi Klum. What’s more, any thought of writing to my Waste-of-Oxygen congressperson to voice my disapproval of his position would be about as productive as shouting “Fire!” into a pure vacuum. Mr. Payne has run unopposed in his Gerrymandered district for as long as I can remember. (Portions of his district rival Somalia for the “Shithole of the Year” Award.) Besides, based upon his past history, he would likely be in Africa for some bullshit reason or another when my letter reached his office.

It’s no wonder I drink.

That is all.

I came upon this on my morning groundpound. Yes, it is an abandoned public phone thingy, which has been used as a trash receptacle by one or more pigs. The photo (I apologize for its lack of clarity – cell phone pic) does not show the other trash on the ground in the immediate vicinity of the phone thingy.

Let me set the scene and describe what most certainly happened.

The phone thingy is located at a bus stop. One or more pigs obviously bought their victuals at the convenience store, which is approximately twenty paces from the phone thingy. They carried their meals the twenty paces to the bus stop and consumed them, presumably while waiting for the bus.

After finishing their meal, they decided that the trash can that was approximately fifteen paces from the phone thingy was just too far to walk. So, the pigs decided to foul their immediate area, knowing they would eventually be taken away from the scene on a bus, thereby leaving their shit for someone else to pick up.

That really pisses me off.

Actually, referring to these animals as “pigs” is an insult to pigs, because pigs don’t shit where they eat.

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Secretary Clinton,

I’ve been a huge fan of yours for years now, and what I really want to know is when was the last time you used a rectal suppository?

With best regards,
Aldo Simbiletti

Dear Aldo:

Thank you for your probing question. LOL!!! As a matter of fact, I used one this morning, as I do every morning. I pre-soak them in pepper sauce. I credit this regimen for my always-pleasant disposition.

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

Here’s the thing. I think you’re really HOT – like smokin’ hot. Last night I had a dream that you were pole dancing. You were, like, naked, and you kept looking right at me. It was an awesome dream. What are your thoughts on pole dancing?

Sincerely,
Sly Strump

Dear Sly,

That Teddy sure was quite a rapscallion. I’ll miss him.

Dear Madam Secretary:

I know you are not very anxious to answer questions about your husband, but I am concerned about him. He seems to have aged quite a bit since he left office. How is his health? Has he slowed down a bit?

Very truly yours,
Concerned in Seattle

Dear Concerned:

You have a keen eye. Look, you can only bang hookers, secretaries, interns and showgirls like a screen door in a windstorm until it begins to catch up with you. Lately, I’ve noticed that he sit-pisses all the time. He used to only sit-piss in the middle of the night. Worse yet, about half the time after he sit-pisses, he has to stand and look into the bowl to see if he did anything else. I’d worry about him, but I’m very busy and shit.

Dear Secretary Clinton:

I fully support President Obama and his administration, but I think that Michelle Obama looks like a yeti. Do you agree?

Respectfully,
Gillian Frumpus

Dear Gillian,

Yes.

Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol. 10
Vol. 11

It was a rough day, and I’ve had a few Firefly Sweet Tea Vodkas in order to get perpendicular to the center of the earth.

At this moment, blogging appeals to me about as much as a sharp, shit-covered stick in the eye.

You would be well advised to go here to see what Kanye is up to. (Drink warning)

I thank Dogette for pointing me in Laura’s direction. Some really good stuff right there.

SPECIAL ALERT TO ILLINOIS PEEPS

I learned today that my buddy, Matt from the award-winning Blackfive, is running for the Illinois House of Representatives for the 41st District. Check out his campaign website. The towns that are located in the 41st District are:

Riverside
Brookfield
La Grange Park
Westchester
Oak Brook
Oak Brook Terrace
Lombard
Elmhurst
Villa Park
Berkeley

There is a map of the district on the website.

I know Matt personally, and I can tell you that he an exceedingly bright and very personable guy, who comes out right on all the important issues. I can also tell you that it is difficult to find a person who is more supportive than Matt is of the United States military and more dedicated than he is to the welfare of military personnel, both active-duty and veterans.

If you live in the 41st District, I urge you to support Matt. If you don’t live in the 41st District but know someone who does, please direct him or her to Matt’s website.

Hell, I wish he lived in Jersey. We sure could use at least one good guy in Trenton.

1. Memo to New York Drivers: When driving on a New Jersey Highway (We don’t call them “Freeways” or “Interstates”) and you have been passed on the right by two cars, or, in the alternative, passed by one car in which the driver gave you the stink eye or the finger), MOVE THE F**K TO THE RIGHT! How many stink eyes and fingers do I have to give to you maroons? Besides, it’s the goddamned law in this state. Where the hell is a state trooper when you need one?

2. At a blogmeet a few years ago, my pal and, first-class babe, Bou, mentioned that she had played the flute in high school, but that she didn’t play anymore. Of course, back then, I thought that she took the obligatory “instrument” in high school for a year, learned how not to horribly stink and then moved on. Little did I know that she played in one goddamned national award-winning high school band. Go listen. Holy cannoli!

3. Doesn’t it strike you as odd that the mainstream media has managed to all but ignore the videos of ACORN people offering to help people set up a prostitution ring comprised of under-aged-illegal aliens and to evade income taxes, while at the same time exhausting every conceivable angle from and squeezing every single drop from the Joe Wilson (“You lie!”) story? Actually, that was a rhetorical question.

4. The glut of “Buy gold NOW” commercials I hear on the radio is somewhat unsettling, but I guess that’s the idea.

5. Anyone who managed to successfully complete fifth grade arithmetic knows (or damned well should know) that it is impossible – yes, IMPOSSIBLE, to parachute 47 million 30 million people into the healthcare system, all of whom will have access to “free” healthcare, and not have it negatively impact the system. Pay for it with “doing away with waste” in Medicare and Medicaid? I could piss my pants laughing. The problem is, there is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

6. If explosive, debilitating diarrhea could be a human being, it would be Maxine Waters. People actually voted for this idiot?

7. Memo to Scotland: Bourbon is better.

8. Memo to Ireland: Bourbon is better.

9. Memo to Mark Lloyd: Kiss my ass.

10. Memo to Jon Corzine: Adios.

It’s not as if I don’t have anything I feel like writing about; it’s just that I’m too lazy tired to write anything worth reading.

So, with that, I thought this would be a good time to remind everyone about what Communism is all about, because it seems that these days many people need a bit of reminding.

Via my pal and fellow Jersey Blogger, Fausta

The September 11th museum that will be part of the building that will replace the World Trade Center Towers will contain an exhibit dedicated to the perspective of the hijackers. The exhibit will consist of “martyrdom tapes” made by the hijackers while preparing for the attacks as well as “testimonials” from people sympathetic to the hijackers’ cause.

Not to worry though, because, according to museum officials, the “martyrdom” tapes and testimonials “will be screened to prevent sympathizers from praising the perpetrators….”

Excuse me while I puke.

No, really.

Made me laugh, it did.

Note: It contains grownup language.

Swiped from C&S