January 19, 2004

Helpful Household Hints.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 11:11 pm

I got home much too late to do any heavy lifting tonight, so I thought I would pass along something I received from my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, who seems to be morphing into “Heloise.”

Here are some helpful household hints, the accuracy of which I cannot guarantee. However, I offer my comments, based on my decades-long study of Life 101.

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers. Of course Gatorade tastes like sweat, so the headache might be a better option.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns. So that’s why I never burned my mouth with my toothbrush.

Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They’ll clear up your stuffed nose. One wonders what they would do for hemorrhoids.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. This sounds great, as long as your aching muscles are nowhere near your sharona.

Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. Six tablespoons of vinegar? I think I’ll take “sore throat” for $200, Alex.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use. Memo to the military: put this stuff in the Shit on a Shingle.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes…..All you need is a dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly. However, don’t be surprised if people look at you as if you are some kind of asshole.

Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes……Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. And if it doesn’t, the bears will eat the goobs off you face.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus….Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. This is just way too gross.

Easy eyeglass protection….To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. I prefer shocking pink myself.

Coca-Cola cure for rust…Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. And, it will also remove those unsightly underwear skid marks.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer….If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can’t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. A beer and hard-boiled egg fart will also do the trick.

Smart splinter remover…..just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. Speaking of hemorrhoids….

Hunt’s tomato paste boil cure….Cover the boil with Hunt’s tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. Tomato paste and pus. I don’t even want to think about it.

Balm for broken blisters…..To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine….a powerful antiseptic. Be sure not to use the same stuff you soaked your nasty toenails in.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises…Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. So, who gives a shit if you smell like a garden salad?

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. And to think you actually wash dishes with this stuff.

Rainy day cure for dog odor….Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. Why not just toss Fido into the dryer for a few minutes. It’s at least as entertaining as daytime television.

Eliminate ear mites….All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn oil in your cat’s ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. And those cotton balls make interesting conversation pieces.

Vaseline cure for hairballs…..To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat’s nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system. Of course, you’ll need a plan to deal with the greasy cat shit.

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