I got home much too late to do any heavy lifting tonight, so I thought I would pass along something I received from my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, who seems to be morphing into “Heloise.”

Here are some helpful household hints, the accuracy of which I cannot guarantee. However, I offer my comments, based on my decades-long study of Life 101.

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers. Of course Gatorade tastes like sweat, so the headache might be a better option.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns. So that’s why I never burned my mouth with my toothbrush.

Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They’ll clear up your stuffed nose. One wonders what they would do for hemorrhoids.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. This sounds great, as long as your aching muscles are nowhere near your sharona.

Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. Six tablespoons of vinegar? I think I’ll take “sore throat” for $200, Alex.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use. Memo to the military: put this stuff in the Shit on a Shingle.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes…..All you need is a dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly. However, don’t be surprised if people look at you as if you are some kind of asshole.

Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes……Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. And if it doesn’t, the bears will eat the goobs off you face.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus….Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. This is just way too gross.

Easy eyeglass protection….To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. I prefer shocking pink myself.

Coca-Cola cure for rust…Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. And, it will also remove those unsightly underwear skid marks.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer….If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can’t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. A beer and hard-boiled egg fart will also do the trick.

Smart splinter remover…..just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. Speaking of hemorrhoids….

Hunt’s tomato paste boil cure….Cover the boil with Hunt’s tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. Tomato paste and pus. I don’t even want to think about it.

Balm for broken blisters…..To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine….a powerful antiseptic. Be sure not to use the same stuff you soaked your nasty toenails in.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises…Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. So, who gives a shit if you smell like a garden salad?

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. And to think you actually wash dishes with this stuff.

Rainy day cure for dog odor….Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. Why not just toss Fido into the dryer for a few minutes. It’s at least as entertaining as daytime television.

Eliminate ear mites….All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn oil in your cat’s ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. And those cotton balls make interesting conversation pieces.

Vaseline cure for hairballs…..To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat’s nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system. Of course, you’ll need a plan to deal with the greasy cat shit.

Having the new site is like getting a new car. Like most new car owners, I spent a fair amount of time just admiring its looks and tentatively touching some of the new giz-wizzes. I also have been reading the online manual to see how this sleek street rod works. Unfortunately, for techno-dweebs like me, the Bankruptcy Code is easier to grasp than are the discussions of templates in the User’s Manual. However, as you can see, I have figured out how to add a new entry, and I’ve even successfully edited some of the older posts in which the titles look a bit goofy (because BlogSnot had no title field). I figure that, for me, that’s quite an accomplishment.

My next challenge is to learn how to add (and edit) links to the blogroll, as some people who were hiatus or had shut down are back.

I have already thanked Craig at mtpolitics for building my new cyber car. I would also like to thank those who have urged the switch on many occasions. They include, Jay Solo, ZombyBoy at Resurrection Song, Tiger, Joanie (Da Goddess), Jeff at Side Salad, and the infamous Acidman (or is it Catman?). Thank you all for being pains in the ass. Ultimately, it worked.

The weather in Jersey has turned ugly again. What started out as freezing rain and sleet (my most un-faves) has now turned into more farookin’ snow. I can see more snowblowing in my not-too-distant future. I still intend to drive very carefully to the Legion Post to see the Usual Suspects and tell them all about my new “wheels.”

Right off the bat, I want to say that NONE of this would have happened without the help of my friend Craig at mtpolitics. In fact, the word “help” suggests that I did something and that all that Craig did was “help” me do it.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I did nothing but kvetch over the thought of moving off BlogSpot. Quite simply, Craig did it all. He set up the site from top to bottom. He asked if I would like to maintain the “look” of the old site, and, being somewhat fond of the “look” of the old site, I said, “yes.” As you can see, Craig hit the long ball.

There are still a couple wrinkles that I will have to iron out (e.g. the titles of the old posts are a little nuts), but I actually think that I can fix that over time. I also still have to learn how things work in my new home, but I look forward to learning.

So, I would appreciate it greatly if you would adjust your bookmarks and blogrolls to point to my new digs. What I would appreciate even more is if you would check out mtpolitics and add that site to your blogrolls for two reasons: (1) It is a terrific site (I’ve been a regular for more than a year), and (2) I doubt that there is a better guy in the blogosphere.

Now, please bear with me while I figure out how to pilot my new ship.

Craig at mtpolitics, an exceptionally nice guy, has made an altruistic gesture that he surely will live to regret. He has set up a Movable Type site for me and has offered to be of further assistance, including answering my questions as I stumble around trying to figure out what to do next. I suspect that he will soon learn the consequences of offering to help a computer numbskull like me with computer stuff.

Craig’s kindness puts me in mind of the well-meaning lawyer who offers his help, pro bono, to an inmate and who invites him to ask, at any time, all the questions he would like answered. It doesn?t take long for the well-meaning lawyer to realize that an inmate’s desire for legal help is insatiable and that he will have more questions than there are stars in the galaxy. After countless telephone calls and meandering letters from a high maintenance inmate, the well-meaning lawyer decides that litigating rear-end hits or repairing furnaces probably would have been a preferable career choice.

I have much to learn, which will require a fair amount of reading, lest I cause Craig to run away and sign up for classes at Augie and Tony’s Furnace Fixin’ School. Obviously trying to figure out what I’m doing will cut into the time I have to read other people’s blogs and write in my own. I’m going to try to figure out how to fit it all in, and we’ll see how it goes. I know that right now the bone shattering cold and the hour or so of snow blowing after work has rendered me too tired to even think about reading how to move my BlogSpot posts over to the new site. Tomorrow is another day.

And to Craig, I offer my sincere thanks and my deepest sympathy.

Happy birthday, Cousin Jack.

I just came across a scrap of paper on which I had scribbled a reminder note about something I saw and heard while Christmas shopping.

I was in Nine West to buy a gift certificate. For the uninitiated (and who did not click the Nine West link), Nine West is a trendy shoe store for women’s shoes. A customer was trying on these shoes, and had the following conversation with the sales clerk:

Customer: (standing, looking down at shoes, holding her feet at various angles) “I love them. I particularly love the heel and the effect with the chain. Are they wearing open toes in the winter”?

Clerk: “Oh, yes. Open toes are extremely popular now. Everyone is wearing them.”

Customer: “They would go great with my black dress.”

Clerk: “They would be perfect with a black dress.”

Customer: “And, the best thing about them is that they are not terribly uncomfortable.”

We’re doomed.

Sarah at Trying to Grok and I (and hundreds of other BlogSpeak users) are without comments. It seems that the host for BlogSpeak suspended the BlogSpeak account, for reasons unspecified. We are told that the comments may be back by the weekend, or everything may be transferred over to Haloscan. In the meantime, we were advised to “remove the code,” for the time being, lest we wind up with JavaScript errors.

Yeah, like I would even recognize “the code” in my template, which, to me, resembles a document written in Sanskrit. And, I don’t even know what JavaScript is, so the thought of having errors in something that is unknown to me makes my hair hurt. I think I will wait until the weekend to see if this all fixes itself before trying to figure out how to get Haloscan comments running on this site.

All this has given me the final kick in the arse to begin the process of moving over to a Movable Type site. However, let me say this about that. I recall taking a mandatory calculus course in college and deciding then and there that my brain is simply not wired to do calculus. Unfortunately, most computer stuff is calculus to me, so this could be a daunting experience.

Updates to follow.

Update: I forgot something. See the picture of the graph? Check out the problem and solution that goes with it. Seeing this actually loosened my bowels.

Thanks to Kate for sending many of her readers readers this way. I also want to thank Meryl Yourish for saying things that made my day.

Thank you, ladies. I appreciate it very much.

Not working again. I’ll suffer in silence. It builds character. It also raises the blood pressure.

A while back, Craig at mtpolitics posted a piece called “Life in a Small Town.” It got me to thinking about the cultural differences among us, which, in no small measure, are traceable to the places and circumstances of our upbringing. How each of us ended up being raised in a particular place (or places) is often the result of some sort of cosmic crapshoot that planted our ancestors in a particular place or places during our youth.

It is often said that things like television and the internet have smoothed over many of the cultural differences in the U.S. and have made us a homogenized swill. However, Craig’s questions serve as a stark reminder that there are still big differences in people’s youthful experiences, which, in turn, produce the great cultural mosaic that is the USA, the 7 o’clock news notwithstanding.

I was raised in a town in Northeastern New Jersey (across the “Meadowlands” from New York City). To me, it was a “small town” – at least it was when one compared it to its neighbors, Newark and New York.

So, for the hell of it, I thought I’d respond to the questions in Craig’s post from my perspective of having been raised in a “small town” in Northern Jersey.

Let’s get on with it, shall we.
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