January 2, 2005

2004 Jimbo Awards.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:49 pm

I know. I know. This post should have appeared on January 1st, but I spent yesterday practicing deep breathing and controlled spit swallowing, having found myself with a case of the post-New Year’s Eve Party epizoodic.

I also know that it is more than a little presumptuous of me to be handing out “Jimbo Awards,” particularly since the basis for selection of the categories and the winners is completely subjective, possibly ill thought, and even more possibly dumb as hell. Tough darts. I run this place.

With that said, on with the “Awards,” which are in no particular order.

1. The Most Righteous “I told you so.”
The award goes to Bernard Goldberg who in 2001, in his book Bias, told us everything we needed to know about Dan Rather, and he was largely written off by the Main Stream Media as a disgruntled employee. If you have never read Bias, do it now. You’ll see what I mean.

2. The Biggest Asshole, Who Mercifully Exited from the Spotlight.
The winner – Teresa Heinz Kerry. While this classless dipshit provided wonderful fodder for satire, the thought that she could have ended up with the keys to the White House still sends shivers down my spine.

3. The Biggest Musical Surprise.
The award goes to Kevin Spacey, who really does sound like Bobby Darin, although I still prefer the real item.

4. The Biggest Musical Non-Surprise. Some “Artists” can’t/don’t/won’t perform live. Ashlee Simpson demonstrated that this is particularly true of “artists” who lack talent when she appeared on a network television show that ought to be called, “Saturday Night Almost Live.”

5. The Most Long-Overdue Investigation Report.
The prize goes to the Corporate Turds at CBS whose “investigation” of the stunt that Dan Rather tried to pull should have taken all of three days to complete and another two days to write and proofread. The latest estimates are that the release of the report of the “investigation” will be timed to coincide with the freezing over of hell.

6. The Greatest Musical Loss.
The death of Ray Charles. ‘Nuf said.

7. Worst Network Television Show that is Wildly Successful.
The award goes to The Apprentice. I saw just enough of one episode to conclude that there is nothing particularly entertaining about watching nascent corporate hunter-killers slice and dice one another to get to the top. I am also supremely tired of seeing “The Donald” (the King of Chapter 11) do his “You’re fired” routine, complete with the stupid hand flick, everywhere he appears. Finally, looking at The Donald’s hair makes my hair hurt.

8. The Deadliest Drink.
This one is easy. The winner is Homemade Georgia “Wine,” which I had occasion to drink mass quantities of sample, courtesy of this guy and this guy. Mind you, I’m no stranger to drinks as strong as rocket fuel cocktails. Hell, I like to drink Slivovitz, straight up, which is not for the lily-livered. But homemade Georgia “wine” (the clear and the flavored varieties) must be reserved for only the most experienced of imbibers. Memo to Self for 2005: Sip, don’t guzzle.

9. Wildest Party.
While Ken (my bodyguard) and the Deckmistress host a regular series of Usual Suspect get-togethers, which often can get a more than a little bit wild, the 2004 winner has to be the Jawja Blogtoberfest in Helen, Georgia. This was roughly 48 hours of pure lunacy, marked by non-stop boozing a series of cocktail parties, drunken blogger blabber-mouthing scintillating conversation, guitar picking, “singing,” half-rubber playing, scandalous pedicuring, bullwhipping, ladies’ room invading, biting (I missed that part), and general debauchery. It was a great party.

10. Most Memorable Blogging Event.
See No. 9, which provided me (and my buddy Ken) with the opportunity to meet Velociman, Eric, Acidman, Zonker, The Evil White Guy, Dax, Catfish, The Laughing Wolf, Denny, the Dog Snot Guys, Mamamontezz, Key, Kelley, Recondo 32 and Georgia. It was a special treat to be able to share some tunes with Rob, Eric and Denny. Great people – every single one of them.

Powered by WordPress