June 29, 2005

Yet Another List.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:09 pm

I receive these “You Know You’re a(n) XYZ If…” lists in my mailbox with some regularity. I have specifically received a few “Redneck” lists, but I believe this is the first I’ve seen this one, and some of them struck me as pretty funny. So, being too lazy to write anything original, I thought I would pass this on.

Note: Some of my best Blog Buddies from the Jawja Blogtoberfest and the Wreckyl in Jekyll are from south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and I know that they all have senses of humor the size of Finland. If, however, you might be offended by a bit of “Redneck” humor, please skip this post.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool
Whip” on the side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
And last, but not least…
31. Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

Thanks to my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet.

Umbrellas … Where Are They When You Need ‘Em?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:05 pm

umbrella.jpgEver notice that umbrellas always seem to be at home or in the car whenever you are neither at home nor in the car and the farookin’ skies open?

Well, it rained torrents when it was time to leave work today. Of course, at the time, my umbrella was nice and dry at home on my front porch.

Obviously, I should have brought it with me, given the unambiguous and ominous weather reports that were on the radio and television last night and this morning. In the future, when mondo thunderstorms are predicted, a good place to put Mr. Umbrella is up my ass, right next to my head, which encases what little brain matter I have when it comes to weather reports and umbrellas.**

**Special thanks to Gail, who loaned me an extra umbrella she keeps at her desk. She said she keeps it in case she forgets hers, but I know better. She knows of my umbrella numbskullery.

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