In light of yesterday’s report of an Arkansas man killing a deer with his bare hands after discovering that the deer had crashed through the window of his daughter’s home, we were surprised to learn of a similar incident having occurred in the Garden State.

According to police reports, in the early morning hours, a five-point whitetail deer crashed through the bedroom window of the home of Paulie “Pasta Face” Filliponi. The police were summoned by Filliponi’s next-door neighbor, and when they arrived at the scene they found the broken window, but they did not find any sign of a deer.

When questioned by the police about the alleged incident, Filliponi stated, “Aaay, da deer came troo da winda, and by da time I got here he was gone. No big deal; fuggetaboutit.”

Later that day, PRS operatives followed Paulie “Pasta Face” Filliponi to the local pizzeria and overheard the following conversation he had with his associate Tony “Zits” Rizzi.

Tony: “Aaay, Paulie, is true what I heard – some freakin’ deer broke into your freakin’ house?”

Paulie: “Yeah, it’s true. Scared the shit out of me at first. I thought it was that prick Carmine comin’ around to gimme some shit about dat thing wit his wife.”

Tony: “Yeah, everybody says Carmine was pissed about dat. Guy’s got no sense of humor.”

Paulie: “Yeah, so I’m thinkin’ it’s that prick Carmine makin’ all that noise. I grab a tire iron and walk into the bedroom. I’m ready to kick Carmine’s ass, dat prick. But, what do I see? Dere’s dis big freakin’ deer staring me right in the face. He just standin’ dere starin’ at me. So I sez, ‘Yo, asshole! Get the f**k outta my house!’”

Tony: “The freakin’ deer left then?”

Paulie: “No, the sonofabitch just stood there starin’ at me, so I whacked him – Bada-BING — in the f**kin’ head wit da tire iron.”

Tony: “Did ya knock the sonofabitch out?”

Paulie: “No! Do you believe it? The asshole wobbled a second, but he still stood there staring at me.”

Tony: “No shit?”

Paulie: “Yeah. No shit. So I get right in the asshole’s face and say, ‘Listen to me, you piece of shit. If you don’t get the f*ck outta here like I told ya, you’re gonna get another smack across your f*ckin’ head, only harder this time. Then I’m gonna shove this f*ckin’ tire iron up your f*ckin’ ass. You got that?’ The asshole turned around and left.”

Tony: “Aaay, so you made the prick an offer he couldn’t refuse.”

Paulie: “F*ckin-A.”

Tony: “Try da pepperoni. It’s good tonight.”

Paulie: “Aaay, who d‘ya like on Sunday?”

Tony: “Take the Giants – give the points.”

Paulie: “F*ckin’-A”