February 1, 2006

Ted’s Rules.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:53 pm

PRS operatives have come upon the following, which is the New Employee and Intern Orientation Memo that is provided to Senator Ted Kennedy’s Staffers.

New Employee and Intern Orientation

Welcome to the Senate offices of Edward M. Kennedy. We are confident that you find that working for the Senator can be a rewarding experience, which will most certainly be valuable to your career development. In order to gain the maximum value from your experience here, it is important that you comply with the following rules and guidelines. Failure to do so can result in the termination of your employment or internship. I, therefore, urge you to read this document carefully.

Dress Code
Male employees are required to wear a jacket and tie at all times. Female employees are encouraged to wear short skirts and clingy things. Panty lines are not acceptable, and undergarments should not hide the female torso’s natural reaction to cold. The latter is particularly important for well-breasted women.

The Senator has a cocktail hour each hour commencing with his arrival to the office. Your duties with respect to cocktails will include any or all of the following on a rotating basis:

The Senator requires that he be provided with a cocktail no later than three minutes after his arrival to the office.

You will be responsible for ensuring that the wet bar in the Senator’s private office remains fully stocked. Normally, this will require that you place two or three orders per week with the local supplier. Be sure to specify that the boxes must be wrapped in plain, brown paper.

You must keep the office ice buckets full. There are six ice buckets in the office. Familiarize yourself with their locations. The Senator demands fresh ice and does not tolerate more than one inch of water in the bottom of each bucket.

When the Senator is in his private office he will usually make his own cocktails, but sometimes (most often at or after the 5 o’clock cocktail hour) he may require you to make his cocktails for him. If called upon to perform this task, you are not permitted to look directly at or to speak to the Senator.

Writing for the Senator
If you are called upon to write a speech or other public statement for the Senator, it is very important that you keep in mind that the Senator will be reading your text after several cocktail hours. Therefore, you must avoid multi-syllabic words and complex sentences. You should also use a large, bolded font in your documents.

If you draft a sentence that contains a reference to the President, the sentence must include some variation of the terms “lie, lied, or liar”. References to Vice President Cheney must always be accompanied by the word “Halliburton”. There are no exceptions to these rules.

Handling Phone Calls (Constituents)
The Senator does not speak with constituents and, as such, you will be expected to handle all calls from constituents. There are two exceptions to the foregoing rule. The Senator should be advised of calls from constituents or non-constituents who have made very large contributions to the Senator’s campaign, and the Senator will always accept a constituent’s call if the caller’s name is “Roxie”.

In the event that a constituent calls to complain, advise the caller that you will convey his or her concern to the Senator. Be sure to take down the caller’s name and address so that immediately following the call, you can provide the identifying information to the IRS with a request to audit the caller’s most recent tax returns. Do not bother the Senator with the caller’s concerns, and be sure to destroy any notes you may have made.

Handling Phone Calls (Other)
The Senator has very strict rules about handling calls from the following persons:

Senator John Kerry: Senator Kerry is to be advised that the Senior Senator from Massachusetts will return the call when he gets around to it.

Chief Justice Roberts or Justice Alito: They are to be advised that the Senator was only kidding.

Senator Hillary Clinton: Humor her; she actually thinks that she may someday be President.

Senator Charles “Chuck” Schumer: Humor him too. He’s always on television.

Tavern Owners: Occasionally irate tavern owners call demanding payment of outstanding accounts. Obtain the name of the establishment and the amount of the indebtedness, and provide this information to the office manager who will promptly pay the establishment from a special account. You should also provide this information to the IRS as part of a request to audit the establishment’s tax returns.

Law Enforcement Officers: These calls are not uncommon and should be referred directly to the Senator’s attorney.

Actions Resulting in Immediate Termination
Doing any of the following will result n on-the-spot termination, an IRS audit and subsequent character assassination:

Saying anything to the Senator even remotely resembling, “Are you sure you’re OK to drive?”

Any mention or reference (directly or indirectly) to Chappaq*******k

Any mention or reference (directly or indirectly) to Mary Jo Kop****e

We look forward to working with you.

Powered by WordPress