October 10, 2006

Bill Clinton at the Dentist’s Office.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:42 pm

One day, Bill Clinton decided to stop by a local dentist, Dr. Sam Jones, for a checkup and cleaning. PRS operatives were nearby.

Dr. Jones: Good morning, sir. I understand that you’re here for a checkup and cleaning.

Clinton: That’s right.

Dr. Jones: OK, let’s get started. (Dr. Jones begins his examination) Hmmmm, have you been brushing regularly, sir?

Clinton: What kind of a question is that? Do you ask republicans that question?

Dr. Jones: I don’t understand. It seems like a perfectly reasonable question for a dentist to ask a patient. I ask many, if not most, of my patients that same question.

Clinton: Well, I think you’re out of line! Who put you up to this? It was that bastard Rove, wasn’t it?

Dr. Jones: No, sir. It’s just that I noticed that there is a stain on some of your teeth.

Clinton: A stain? STAIN? Now I know that someone put you up to this! Bastards! I’m sick and tired of this stuff from right-wing nuts determined to ruin my legacy!

Dr. Jones: I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why you’re so upset?

Clinton: Don’t give me that crap. You’re asking me about a stain. I know a hit-job when I see one. I won’t tolerate it.

Dr. Jones: Excuse me, sir, but you have a stain on your teeth, and I was just trying to determine the source of the stain so that I can properly remove it.

Clinton: Listen to me, mister. So far, I don’t like your attitude, but go ahead.

Dr. Jones: Fine. Have you been smoking cigars?

Clinton: CIGARS?! Oh, you are a wise ass. This is a right-wing setup for damned sure. You’ve got that little smirk on your face and you think you’re so clever.

Dr. Jones: Sir, I do not have a smirk on my face, and I would like you to stop pointing your finger in my face.

Clinton: I can point my finger anywhere I want to. Do you know who I am?

Dr. Jones: Yes, indeed I do.

Clinton: OK, I’m glad to hear that. Now, proceed!

Dr. Jones: Beat it.

Clinton: What did you say?

Dr. Jones: You heard me. Get the hell out of my office.

Clinton: Are you out of your mind? I am former President of the United States!

Dr. Jones: Well, then I suggest that you take your sorry ass to a military base for your dental work. Those poor bastards have to put up with your shit. I don’t!

In the hallway outside the office, Clinton’s Secret Service Detail is high-five’ing and doubling over with laughter.

THE END (I love a happy ending.)

October 9, 2006

I Can Hear His Voice.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:10 pm

I just read the post that is currently featured on Rob’s Site. It was written in February of this year, and it won him the Crapblogger Award (I was there in Austin when he won it). For those of you who knew Rob and heard his voice and heard him tell a story, take a look at the post, and as you are reading it, listen for Rob’s voice. No, really. Don’t just read; LISTEN.

Can you hear him tell that story? I sure as hell can, and I suspect that will never change.

October 8, 2006

Music, Memories and Merriment.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 5:27 pm

It was a great week with the Band and Friends of the Band. This marked the third biennial (i.e. every two years – I had to look it up) reunion of the Band that raised a bit of hell back in the mid to late sixties.

This year our “Headquarters” was in the Garden State, where the guitar player and I still reside. The venue was graciously provided by the unflappable Rich and Irene, longtime Friends of the Band. Their home served as party central, the meeting place for breakfasts and several other “feeds”. Most importantly, they allowed us to fill a major portion of their recreation room with drums, amps, keyboards, microphones, speakers and miles of wire.

The Music.
Predictably, out first session contained a number of musical train wrecks, each of which was followed by pointing fingers and howls of laughter. During later sessions, things began to gel, and in several instances, we even sounded pretty OK. I alternated between playing guitar and drums, which was fun.

On our last night playing, our host and hostess were visited by their son, daughter-in-law and their little ten-month old daughter. Wanting to please our newest “audience” member, we played the theme from “Sesame Street,” “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”, “Do Re Mi” and a few others, including Frosty the Snowman (You can see that we’re not exactly flush with kid’s tunes – Besides, we’ll have snow in a month or so). The little girl, propped herself up at a coffee table, stared at us wide-eyed all the time, smiled constantly, jumped up and down and squealed with delight. Made us feel like the Beatles, she did.

In short, we played everything from corny tunes to some good things requiring all of us to wear our harmony hats. It was wonderful.

Fun/Goofy Stuff.
It wasn’t all music all the time. We spend lots of time doing other things, each of which turned out to be a veritable pisser.

New York City
One day we headed into New York City to see Jersey Boys. I had seen it once before, but I even liked it better the second time. There was something particularly fitting about five Jersey guys who played in a Jersey band in the sixties going to see Jersey Boys together. After the show, we went to Carmine’s in the Theater District, where the food is served “family style”, and we were served enough excellent Italian food to feed a Roman Legion.

Fishing Competition.
Yeah, fishing. Go figure.

We spent one morning at a beautiful pond to see who could catch the biggest/most fish. This turned out to be quite a riot. It started when I realized that we had to stop to buy worms (ewwwwww), and I noticed that the worm store was right next to a Dunkin’ Donuts store.

“Yo, gimme three jelly donuts, three glazed, three crème-filleds and two dozen night crawlers”.

We were told that there were some serious bass lurking around in that pond, and I have no doubt that this guy or this guy would have hooked them, but our group collectively caught four teeny-weeny sunnies, proving beyond doubt that none of us can fish worth a damn. We did, however, have lots and lots of laughs.

Bowling Competition.
Yeah, bowling. Go figure.

Why bowling, you ask? Patty, the keyboard player’s spouse (a native Hawaiian) used to like to bowl on Maui, but the last bowling alley in Maui closed due to lack of interest. So, we chose up teams, from the gang of twelve of us (none of has bowled in multiple decades) and descended upon a local bowling alley.

After we all got our rental shoes from the rather confused looking bowling alley guy and each picked out a reasonably suitable alley ball, we were all set to start the fierce competition. Problem was that none of us knew how to work the computerized scoring system (Last time I bowled, we kept score with pencils and paper).

Once the bowling alley guy explained to us how to work the widget that automatically keeps score (I think he might have considered us a group of lunatics or morons), the competition began. It’s a good thing that the bowling alley was not crowded, because we were quite raucously competitive (and the daily drinking had not yet started).

Everyone pretty much stunk, but that didn’t lessen the fierceness of the competition, for we were playing for “prizes” and the Perpetual Purple Pig (a purple piggy bank), a trophy that would be held by the winning team until 2008, when the teams would again compete – sort of like the Stanley Cup, only purple – and a pig.

I was on the winning team, and Patty, our Team Captain, was presented the trophy for safekeeping until 2008.

Poker Tournament.
Yeah, poker. Go figure.

One day, we staged a Texas Hold ‘Em Poker tournament, using play money. It didn’t matter that we used play money, because this too would be played for “prizes” (e.g. boxes of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts and chocolate-covered Kona coffee beans) and, of course, bragging rights. After the first couple was dusted, a demand was made that they be given money by each of the other players so they could continue to play. I remarked. Farookin’ Marxist Poker!! Hilarity ensued.

Turns out that, even despite the mandatory money re-distribution, Mrs. Parkway kicked everyone’s ass. I may set her up with a gig in Atlantic City.

The Ending and Plans for 2008.
Like all good things, the Reunion had finally come to an end, and it was again time for sentimental and lump-in-the-throat good byes. It’s wonderful to re-unite, but the parting is always hard. The good news is that this year’s reunion provided us with yet more things to laugh about when we get together again in 2008.

Oh yes, the 2008 Reunion will be held in Kona on the Big Island of Hawaii. YES!!!!!

October 2, 2006

Gone Drumming.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:40 pm

I will be away from the computer this week, as I will be spending it playing with the guys in the band from the sixties, who have returned to Jersey from places such as Maui and Colorado. Four years ago, we did this in Colorado, and two years ago, it was Maui. So, we will spend a week doing Jersey/New York stuff and spending lots of time making music.

At the past reunions, getting a drum set onto a plane would have been a problem, so I played guitar on those occasions. But, now the Ludwigs are set up in an undisclosed location in Jersey, and they are ready to go. This will be the first time in 38 years the band has played together as originally configured.

I’m psyched.

Everyone play nice while I’m gone.

October 1, 2006

Nancy Writes to Hillary.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:49 pm

Pelosi.jpgPRS has managed to get its hands on a copy of a letter written by Congresswoman Nancy Peolosi (D. Calif.) to the Junior Senator from New York, Hillary Clinton (D. NY). Here it is:

September 30, 2006

Dear Hilly,

Just freakin’ WOW is all I can say. Now that that Florida guy got caught talking dirty to kids (Bless his heart), we are that much closer to taking the House of Representatives in November, and you KNOW what that means. Yours Trooly-ooly will be the Speaker of the House!! “Madam Speaker!!!!” OMFG, the thought of it makes me all squirmelly in my nether regions. Know what I mean? Sure you do. LOL.

Once I’m in as Madam Speaker, you can nominate me to run as your Vice President. Is that a freakin’ AWESOME idea, or what? We could have an absolute hoot running all over the country calling republicans liars, cheats, fascists, crooks and monkey-people. Can you imagine anything being more fun? I can’t! LOL.

Then, once we’re elected in ’08, the first thing you can do after the inauguration is to give What’s His Name his Walking Papers and change the locks on the White House. This is YOUR TIME, Baby. Who needs him?

Sister, we could put some life back in that White House. Imagine the cool parties! Streisand, Baldwin, Sarandon, Robbins, Cruise, Spielburg, Whoopi, Chevy, Rosie, and that dreamy and oh-so-tall (You know what I’m sayin’) David Gregory. That will be freakin’ AWESOME!

I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry about those tiarists that those stupid republicans keep insisting are trying to blow us up. I think we can put an end to the so-called problem if you and I write a nice letter to the Top Tiarist Guy, explaining that we are the good guys. We can make it clear that we never believed that they were interested in establishing a twenty-first century Colgate and subjecting us all to Sharona Law, and that, now that we got the bad guys out of our government, they can leave us alone.

I was also thinking that we could enclose pictures of our tits in the letter.

So, what do you think, Girlfriend?


Nancy a/k/a “Pearl”

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