Ya know, with all your steaming rivers of raw sewage, babbling brooks of bleccch, and choking pollution that makes breathing in Beijing’s atmosphere feel like inhaling the cool, clear air from the peak of a Swiss Alps mountaintop, I was not one bit surprised to learn that New Jersey had spawned a 44-pound cat. You peeps in Jersey constantly outdo yourselves. Rock on with your bad selves. Really, I mean that.

In fact, as if most don’t already know this by now, “Princess Chunk,” in all her corpulent glory, was apparently such a big girl that it wasn’t until days later that they were able to locate the congenital nub which forced Camden County Animal Shelter peeps to rename the beast “Prince Chunk.”

Well, be that as it may, Prince Chunk is a mighty fine lookin’ feline and, as a free service resultant from the Wiseass Jooette being so exceedingly awed by this Jersey phenom, she has volunteered to perform a complimentary hair transplant because, when one is suddenly thrust in the spotlight of the national media, one should absolutely look their farookin’ finest.

Well, am I right or am I right?

Well, you have now. Peeps, I’m not even trying to be my usual little instigator self…there really was an alligator left on the side of the road…in one Burlington County, New Jersey.

Except…as if the entire world knows that our hirsute friend, Mr. Wussboy by the PAH-kway practically turtleheads at the mere thought of the prehistoric spiky beasts with the purdy smiles…this particular alligator was left in a cage on the side of the road.

Now I ask you: Where, oh where, is the fun in that?

When was the last time All US Adults did the same thing? 

*crickets chirping*

Well, there’s a doctor working for the government who is stating for the record:

All U.S. adults could be overweight in 40 years

One must admire the chutzpah.  It’s beautifully done. Including a picture with a fat woman was a nice touch too. But you may wonder… what is the motivation?

It’s the government silly! They want what’s best for you. Just browse to the end of the article to find out what “they” think is best.

The findings highlight a need for widespread efforts to improve Americans’ lifestyles and keep their weight in check, according to the researchers. Simply telling people to eat less and exercise more is not enough, Liang noted.

Broader social changes are needed as well, she said — such as making communities more pedestrian-friendly so that people can walk regularly, or getting the food industry to offer healthier, calorie-conscious choices.

“It really needs to be more than an individual effort,” Liang said. “It needs to be a societal effort.”

A “societal effort” and “more than an individual effort” along with the word “make” means… the government will tell you what to do. What to eat, how much, when to exercise and how, everything. It’s all in the interest of making YOU a better person. Simple.

Now, don’t you feel so much better! Your government wants to take care of you. Gosh they’re just such terrific peeps. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

And then, after we’ve had our five mile run to the grocery store through the lovely engineered neighborhood, bought our healthful food, run back home, cooked up our tofu and veggie stir fry, (no harmful animal products), we can form a circle, hold hands, and sing Kum-bi-ya.

Oh yeah, I can see it now.