Dear Diary,

Sorry for neglecting my diary, but I have been busy flying all over the country to promote my most excellent book. It talks about how amazing I am, and the people seem to love it.

I also have been more than a little bit pre-occupied with the shithead, thug republicans in the House, in which I am the SPEAKER. I’ve been SPEAKING fine my ass off, and those snotty bastards (and that maroon in the White House) aren’t listening to me. I’m SMART, Goddammit! What’s wrong with these mouth-breathing republican assholes?

Drill, drill, drill, DRILL! That’s all they want to talk about. They’re driving me freakin’ nuts. Hell, I turned off the lights and microphones in the place and that didn’t stop them. I’d like to go into every one of their offices and piss on their papers.

So, being a reasonable woman (and extremely bright and powerful SPEAKER in the House), I offered a compromise. I said that we would consider an itty-bitty bit of drilling off the coast, and to sweeten the pot, I offered to let each one of them touch my tits. No takers! Rat bastards – all of them.

And for all you pricks who think I have no solution to this energy thing, you can just piss off. As it happens, just yesterday, I telephoned my spiritual advisor, Maharishi Mahesh Mutugaipan and he gave me the answer. He said, “Butterfly, the answer is in the wind and the sun and the sea. You must spend more time with your crystals.”

The man is a genius. Hey, wait! I’m not sure if he said “crystals” or “Cristal.” Screw it. I’ll do both, and when congress resumes, I’ll lay out one ass-kicking plan, let me tell you.

Now, if I could just figure out a way to get that faccia d’ weasel Chuck Schumer to stop trying to get into my dainties, I’d have a bit more crystal (and Cristal LOL) time. In his latest email, he invited me to his Washington “bachelor pad” for a night of “Manischewitz and hot, sloppy sex,” after which we could “cuddle” and “groove to” recordings of his press conferences.

You think it’s easy being the SPEAKER in the House? Hell, if it were easy, any asshole could do it.

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4
Vol 5
Vol 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol.10
Vol. 11