September 14, 2008

Ask Hillary (Vol 11)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:16 pm

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton,

I’ve been crying my eyes out every single day since you lost the Democratic Primary. I know that if Democrats knew earlier on about what a dirtbag that that bastard Obama is, you would be running against that old fart instead of that arrogant blowhard Obama.

Senator Clinton, eighteen million of us cry our eyes out every day, and we just don’t know what to do on election day. What advice can you give us?

With warmest regards,
Sylvia Armbruster

Dear Sylvia:

Thank you for your kind words; they mean a lot to me. I know that you and millions of others are down in the dumps over what happened. I suggest you do a bunch of weed. You’ll feel much better.

As for what to do on election day, remember, I’ll be here in 2012, if you get my drift 😉

Dear Senator Clinton:

I know that in an interview you gave back in July you mentioned that you personally dealt with your loss in the primary by smoking lots of weed and spitting on a large picture of Barack Obama. I tried that, but after a while, even that did not make the agony of defeat go away. Do you have any other suggestions?

Canyon Stoner

Dear Canyon: (Groovy name, BTW)

Believe me, I know how you feel. After all that toking and spitting, I realized I still needed something to lift my spirits. Here’s what I did.

I took a ride to our local animal shelter to pick out a puppy. The nice young lady walked me to the area where the puppies are kept. They were all so cute, yipping and playing like crazy. But there was one who was standing in the front of the cage, staring at me. She tracked my every movement. She was a mixed breed, but she looked like she was part cocker spaniel. It’s hard to tell when they’re puppies. Anyway, she was perfectly precious, and I knew that she was the one for me. Right then and there, I named her “Venus.”

I bought one of those crates to bring Venus home. When I arrived home, I opened the door to the crate, and Venus leaped into my arms. I held her to me, as she squealed with delight and licked me all over my face – puppy kisses.

That’s when I cut her throat.


I suggest you take a trip to the animal shelter and pick up a puppy. You’ll feel like a million bucks.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I will be frank. As much as I have always admired you, I supported Barack Obama in the primary. I saw your appearance with Senator Obama after the primary was over, at which time you pledged to enthusiastically support Barack.

In light of those low-life, lying, swift boating, election-stealing Republicans having nominated Sarah Palin to be Vice President and how she has disgraced feminism and charged up all the uneducated goobers in the country, especially those loudmouthed Wal-Mart brood sows, Barack could really use your active support right about now. I was wondering when you planned on hitting the campaign trail?

Ronette Swithens

Dear Ronette:

Let me begin by saying that I appreciate that you chose to support Senator Obama over me in the primary elections. Hey, no hard feelings. After all, that’s the American Way, isn’t it?

As for campaigning for Senator Obama, I am anxious to do just that. The thing is that I want to get my nails done first, and my damned manicurist has gone abroad to visit relatives and probably will be away for a couple weeks. After that, I have a few dental appointments that I’ve canceled far too many times. Oh, and then there’s that darned cable company. They say that the cable guy will be here sometime in the next month between 9 and 5. Do they think that all we have to do with our lives is wait around for the cable guy?

Anyway, as soon as I get all that sorted out, I will hit the campain trail like Gangbusters!

One more thing: Who is this Sarah person you spoke of?

Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol 10

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