What do you think this list is?
Stars and Stripes Forever
Go on a visit
Song of baby
No, it is not the song list from a Slim Whitman disc. Nor is it a dance recital program from Miss Sallyâ€™s School of Dance.
What we have here is the list of â€œRinger Typesâ€ that I could choose from for my new cell phone. I had thought that the â€œchimeyâ€ thing that sounded like an ice cream truck playing the theme from the â€œMr. Rogers Neighborhoodâ€ show when I fire up the phone was an anomaly, and that I could find a â€œringerâ€ that sounded like a telephone. You know what I mean? I wanted something that sounded like, well, â€¦ a bell.
Actually, given the damage that I managed to do to my hearing by playing drums in a loud rock and roll band for decades (my left ear is worse, as thatâ€™s where the monitor speaker — the one that lets you hear the vocals — was always placed), I really wanted something that sounded like a killer bell or maybe even a fire alarm. â€œDing, ding, ding,â€ or â€œBrrrrrrring, brrrrrrring, brrrrrrrrring.â€ In a crowded saloon, there is no way that Jimbo is going to hear a dainty version of the â€œPolonaise.â€
In the spirit of candor, I must admit that I left five choices off the above list. They are:
These choices are at the end of the list. So, after listening to the twenty-five bizarre â€œringers,â€ I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking, â€œYes! Bells!â€ Well, none of these babies sounds anything like â€œDing, dingâ€ or â€œBrrrring, brrrrring.â€ They are little chimey ditties the notes of which seem to be plucked almost randomly from the chromatic scale.
Somewhere in the mondo manual I recall seeing how one can â€œdownloadâ€ ringer types. To that I say, â€œAre you shitting me?â€ Download a farookinâ€™ bell for a phone? It took me a week of hair-hurting aggravation just to put a button on this blog. I could see myself screwing up Mr. Computer and Mr. Cell Phone by trying to download a ringer.
Iâ€™m afraid that my age is showing. Hell, I remember when you were considered pretty hip to have one, black, rotary dial phone in the house and when there was no such thing as area codes. Phone numbers began with the location of oneâ€™s residence, such as, Essex (for Essex County), and the number would look like â€œES-3-4567.â€
Hell, I can even recall my grandmother having a â€œparty line,â€ a phone line that was shared by several households. You had to know â€œyour ring,â€ (for example, two shorts and a long, all controlled by â€“ get this â€“ a telephone operator) to know that the call was for you and not for the Smithâ€™s down the road. If you were a louse, you could eavesdrop on the Smithsâ€™ calls, but that was streng verboten in my grandmotherâ€™s house.
So, now I can actually have my phone play a â€œMr. Softeeâ€ version of â€œStars and Stripes Forever.â€ How very thrilling.
I chose Bell Number 3, even though it sounds more like an ice cream truck on crack driving by at seventy miles per hour than it does a farookinâ€™ bell.
Time marches on, I suppose.
BRRRRINNNNNNGâ€¦â€¦â€¦.Hello? … *sigh*