We have recently learned that Barack Obama is â€œaddictedâ€ to the teleprompter. I suppose this is not very surprising given how busy he has been
destroying the free-market economy saving the United States, the free world the planet. In fact, we also learned that doing all this changey stuff has him a bit â€œoverwhelmed,â€ so much so that he often forgets how to manage some very basic things.
Hence the Telecrapper.
PRS Operatives have learned that the President has had a Telecrapper, a specially designed teleprompter-like device, installed in each of the private bathrooms in the White House. As such, when the President feels a bathroom Urge of The Second Kind, he flips a switch on the Telecrapper for some necessary prompting.
PRS has managed to get an exclusive, first-hand look at the device and its associated script:
PULL TROUSERS DOWN
PULL UNDERWEAR DOWN
SQUEEZE/PUSH (ITâ€™S OK TO PEE TOO)
LISTEN FOR PLOP/SPLASH
UNROLL SOME TOILET PAPER (THE SOFT STUFF IS OK; YOUâ€™RE THE PRESIDENT)
FOLD OR CRUMPLE (YOUR CHOICE)
WIPE AND REPEAT WITH MORE PAPER UNTIL PAPER IS CLEAN
DROP SOILED PAPER INTO TOILET
PULL UNDERWEAR UP
PULL TROUSERS UP
TUCK IN SHIRT/BUTTON TROUSERS
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED YOUR BIOTASK.
We were informed that last week the President tried to kick his Telecrapper addiction, cold turkey, and he forgot the â€œPull Underwear Downâ€ step. Joe Biden was called to help clean up.
Reliable sources tell us that the President has a similar script loaded into his Blackberry for those occasions when he is away from the White House.