September 15, 2007

Nancy’s Diary (Vol. 10) — Girlfriends.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:44 pm


Dear Diary,

OMG! I realize that I have neglected my diary for months now. It’s just that I have been totally busy doing government SPEAKER in the House stuff and staying in touch with my new seriously good friend Arianna Huffington. I know she sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor, but don’t let that fool you. She is freakin’ brilliant. (I have waaaaaay better tits, but let’s not go there).

A couple weeks ago she called me and said, “Nan, I’m dying for some decent escargot. Vhat do you say you fly vit me to Paris for dinner? I know a place zat makes za best escargot you’ve ever tasted, and zee waiters wear tight pants and have vonderful asses zat look like zey are made of hard rubber.”

The hard rubber asses did it for me!

We flew on, like, her private jet, which was loaded with Cristal and caviar, but the best part was when she showed me the toilet bowl that contains a porcelain picture of that moron Bush. She said, “Nan, I so love shitting on Chimpy McHitlerburton. I feel vondervul aftervards. Dey are da best shits ever.”

I shit on him too. It was freakin’ AWESOME! LOL! Rethuglicans are just sooooooo, like, crude.

Oh, and this was really cool. Hilly came over last week. We were doing some totally primo herb and giving each other bikini waxes, when she mentioned that she needed to prepare to question that skinny General douchebag, who has been doing some stuff in Iraq. I said, “Girlfriend, I knew that, and do I ever have a surprise for you!”

At that moment Sven came to the door – all 6’4”, 185 pound, well muscled, hung like Man o’ War, blond, blue-eyed bit of him. Like I had asked him to do, he was wearing one of those silly Army Uniforms, with lots of stars and ribbons and shit.

When he saw Hilly and me, he thought it would be like our regular routine, so he began removing the uniform. “No,” I said. “Later for that.”

I made him sit in a chair wearing the uniform while Hilly and I called him all sorts of names like, “Douchebag, Liar” and shit. Hilly really got into it. “You’re a stinking, miserable, lying traitor, and you’re nothing but a freakin’ stooge for the arch terrorist Bush. You’re probably a child molester and your mother is a five-dollar streetwalker!”

It was, like, so totally cool!

Then we took turns peeing on him. This cost me an extra $500, but it was worth every penny. It was freakin’ AWESOME.

After that, Hilly said that she was totally ready to take on that Bush toady, douchebag general and his bullshit Iraq testimony.

But there was still plenty of herb, plenty of Cristal and plenty of time for Hilly and me to play “Hide the Howitzer” with Sven.

It was freakin’ AWESOME.

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4
Vol 5
Vol 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9


  1. Episode 11: Pelosi sells White House memorabilia on QVC. Joan Rivers, in the next studio, drops by unexpectedly. Much dishing ensues. In the excitement, no one notices that one of the items sold, an end-table from the Kennedy era, contains a drawer full of state secrets.

    Episode 12: When the sale of the state secrets becomes known, Pelosi springs into action by blaming Bush for leaving them lying around. Meanwhile, the mystery buyer’s ID is revealed, and Pelosi does her best Mata Hari impression to seduce him into giving them back.

    Episode 13: Despite her pleas to “Terrorize Me, STUD!”, the buyer (who turns out to be a notorious Middle Eastern despot long thought dead!) instead offers to return them if only Pelosi will put her clothes back on and leave.

    Comment by Mister Snitch! — September 15, 2007 @ 3:39 pm

  2. I am SO glad I was not drinking anything while reading this.
    These are my favorite posts, they crack me up to no liv’n end.

    Comment by Maeve — September 15, 2007 @ 3:40 pm

  3. LMFAO…..Jimbo strikes again.
    These things are great.
    Jimbo, I heard from a guy who knows a guy who used to play golf with the guy whose secretary knows the guy who went to college with the guy who said that you have inside sources on Hillary’s answering machine…hee hee!!!!

    Comment by Robbie K. — September 15, 2007 @ 3:49 pm

  4. OMG! That was freakin’ AWESOME!

    Nancy rawks!! (Thanks, Jimbo!)

    Comment by Jerry — September 15, 2007 @ 8:16 pm

  5. Oh dear! That was soooo good! I’m new to this idea of a man channeling a woman’s thoughts, but Jimbo, you seem to be a natural at it. Except that Nancy is an unnatural woman…

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — September 15, 2007 @ 8:30 pm

  6. Vondervull! 🙂

    Comment by RT — September 15, 2007 @ 9:32 pm

  7. incredible. still, a little too much like reality, down to the pissing on soldiers. you are seriously gifted. bravo!

    Comment by supergurl — September 16, 2007 @ 9:08 am

  8. You seriously know those two, doncha?? Yep, way close to reality (if that’s what “they” call it).

    Comment by Joyce — September 16, 2007 @ 2:42 pm

  9. There’s a store in Savannah that sells rubber asses. Prob’ly not hard rubber, though. And you can even get ’em in the shape of yer favorite Poan Stah’s schmutschkie.

    Comment by Elisson — September 16, 2007 @ 10:17 pm

  10. Pelosi probably does not like your offerings, but those of her contemporaries who are aware of your web site I am sure do & trade them back & forth.

    Comment by dudley1 — September 17, 2007 @ 8:12 am

  11. Gator chomps off man’s arm, dang just up the road. Well they killed the 12 foot gator and got the arm back,nary a bite mark on it.

    Comment by james old guy — September 17, 2007 @ 6:44 pm

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