Nancy’s Diary (Vol. 12) — Drill, my Ass!
Dear Diary,
Sorry for neglecting my diary, but I have been busy flying all over the country to promote my most excellent book. It talks about how amazing I am, and the people seem to love it.
I also have been more than a little bit pre-occupied with the shithead, thug republicans in the House, in which I am the SPEAKER. I’ve been SPEAKING fine my ass off, and those snotty bastards (and that maroon in the White House) aren’t listening to me. I’m SMART, Goddammit! What’s wrong with these mouth-breathing republican assholes?
Drill, drill, drill, DRILL! That’s all they want to talk about. They’re driving me freakin’ nuts. Hell, I turned off the lights and microphones in the place and that didn’t stop them. I’d like to go into every one of their offices and piss on their papers.
So, being a reasonable woman (and extremely bright and powerful SPEAKER in the House), I offered a compromise. I said that we would consider an itty-bitty bit of drilling off the coast, and to sweeten the pot, I offered to let each one of them touch my tits. No takers! Rat bastards – all of them.
And for all you pricks who think I have no solution to this energy thing, you can just piss off. As it happens, just yesterday, I telephoned my spiritual advisor, Maharishi Mahesh Mutugaipan and he gave me the answer. He said, “Butterfly, the answer is in the wind and the sun and the sea. You must spend more time with your crystals.â€
The man is a genius. Hey, wait! I’m not sure if he said “crystals” or “Cristal.” Screw it. I’ll do both, and when congress resumes, I’ll lay out one ass-kicking plan, let me tell you.
Now, if I could just figure out a way to get that faccia d’ weasel Chuck Schumer to stop trying to get into my dainties, I’d have a bit more crystal (and Cristal LOL) time. In his latest email, he invited me to his Washington “bachelor pad†for a night of “Manischewitz and hot, sloppy sex,†after which we could “cuddle†and “groove to†recordings of his press conferences.
You think it’s easy being the SPEAKER in the House? Hell, if it were easy, any asshole could do it.
Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4
Vol 5
Vol 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol.10
Vol. 11
She needs some drillin but I’m not sure there is anyone desperate enough to mount that annoying old hag.
Comment by hammer — August 18, 2008 @ 9:37 pm
Hairboy, this is where you stand out amongst the rest. Although, for real, no self-respecting Heeb drinks that schmaltzy, syrupy goop…except maybe for sentimentality. But never mind all that…this was your best, most psychologically-scarring-to-me Nancy post ever.
Comment by Erica — August 18, 2008 @ 9:49 pm
Chuckie’s just another beta-male looking to prey upon weak-willed women in places of power. Sorry to break it to you, Nancy, but as soon as Hillary gets the Veep nod, Chuckie will be sniffing around her again and you’ll be forgotten like a Georgian republic.
Comment by Joan of Argghh! — August 18, 2008 @ 9:54 pm
Thank you for keeping us aBREAST of what the Ditz of the House is up to.
Comment by DMerriman — August 18, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
I see you’ve drilled to the root of the matter. 😉
Comment by Teresa — August 18, 2008 @ 11:54 pm
I was holding my own ’til I got to the part about Nancy’s “dainties.”
Comment by dogette — August 19, 2008 @ 7:03 am
As soon as I read the title of the post I immediatly put down the diet coke because I knew my monitor would be wearing it if I didn’t.
Comment by Maeve — August 19, 2008 @ 9:56 am
What the ********
Gotta clean the monitor! Nancys dainties? Geezsus! I didn`t put down my diet coke.
Comment by dudley1 — August 19, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
I love it when you get in touch with your inner Nancy!
Comment by Jerry in Indiana — August 21, 2008 @ 12:52 am
Gotta admit that I puked after misunderstanding the post’s title.
Comment by zonker — August 21, 2008 @ 5:23 pm
What a skanky bitch. I will celebrate the day that she gets her ass kicked out of the Speaker role. What an absolute idiot. Hasn’t accomplished squat in two years! “Let’s hear it for the power!” What a dolt! And she can take that asshole, “Harry (Sc)Reed with her! What an absolute milquetoast!
Comment by Lee — August 24, 2008 @ 11:09 pm