It’s no secret. I farookin’ hate clowns. I’m not afraid of clowns; I’m afraid of alligators. I just hate clowns.

I have company.

Via Curmudgeonly & Skeptical.

Over the past six days, I have seen three police officers in New Jersey talking on hand-held cell phones while driving their police cars. One of them was a state trooper on the Garden State Parkway. Talking on a hand-held cell phone while driving is a violation of New Jersey Law.

Memo to the Cops: Although I don’t have one of those cell phone cameras, plenty of folks do. Can you say “Six O’clock News?”

UPDATE: Thanks to reader and commenter Jim Britton for directing me to the portion of the relevant NJ Statute that provides an exemption from the ban on hand-held cell phones while driving to certain putlic officials, including law enforcement officers while in the actual performance of their official duties. The portion of the statute providing the exemption provides:

39:4-97.4 Inapplicability of act to certain officials.

The prohibitions set forth in this act shall not be applicable to any of the following persons while in the actual performance of their official duties: a law enforcement officer; a member of a paid, part-paid, or volunteer fire department or company; or an operator of an authorized emergency vehicle. L.2003,c.310,s.2.

Apologies to the officers I saw using hand-held cell phones, assuming, of course, that at the time they were not talking to their girlfriends or bookmakers. 🙂

Starting today, JetBlue will be flying out of Newark Liberty International Airport. This, of course, is good news, as it will give more Garden Staters access to inexpensive air travel on planes with landing gear that works just about all the time.

Alex: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to a special edition of Jeopardy. We call it ‘Jersey Jeopardy.’ I’d like to introduce you to our three contestants for tonight’s game. First, we have from Bayonne, New Jersey, Angelo Esposito. Good evening, Angelo.”

Angelo: “Yo.”

Alex: “Next we have Angela Soriello, from Newark. Nice to meet you Angela.”

Angela: “Heyyy, Alex.”

Alex: “And finally, from Colts Neck, New Jersey, we have Lars Johansson. Welcome, Lars. I must say, we don’t run across too many people in New Jersey named Lars. Are you a New Jersey native?”

Lars: “Actually, Alex, I’ve lived in New Jersey for almost two years now. I’m originally from North Dakota, but I love the Garden State.”

Alex: “Very interesting. Let’s get underway, shall we? Good luck to all of you. Lars, you pick first.

Lars: “I’d like Jerseytalk for $100, Alex.”

Alex: “For one-hundred dollars, the answer is, ‘It is a tree in Jersey’”

BUZZ

Lars: “The question is, ‘What is a pine?’”

Alex: “I’m sorry, Lars. That is not correct. Angela, you buzzed in second. The answer is, ‘It is a tree in Jersey.’”

Angela: “What is da numba dat comes afta two?”

Alex: “That’s correct. Angela, you get to pick.”

Angela: “I’ll take Jerseytalk for $200, Alex.”

Alex: “For two-hundred dollars, the answer is, ‘Haya dooin’.’”

BUZZ

Angelo: “The question is “Haya dooin’?’”

Alex: “That is absolutely right. Angelo, you’re up.”

Angelo: “OK, I’ll take Jerseytalk for $300, Alex.”

Alex: “For three-hundred dollars, the answer is, ‘Italian tubular pastry shells filled with sweetened cheese, sprinkled with nuts or chocolate and covered with confectionary sugar.”

BUZZ

Lars: “The question is, ‘What are cannoli?’”

Alex: “I’m sorry, Lars. That’s Italian. Remember the category is Jerseytalk.”

BUZZ

Alex: “Angela, to you.”

Angela: “What are gah-NOOLS?”

Alex: “That is correct. Lars, you gave the proper Italian word and pronunciation, and the category is Jerseytalk. Sorry, Lars. Angela, it’s back to you.”

Angela: “I’ll take ‘What You Call Dat Guy’ for $100, Alex.”

Alex: “OK, for one hundred dollars, the answer is, ‘The person who cuts you off on the highway.’”

BUZZ

Lars: “The question is, ‘What is a reckless driver?”

Alex: “Sorry, Lars. That is not correct.”

BUZZ

Angelo: “What’s an asshole?”

Alex: “That’s correct. Angelo, you get to pick.”

Angelo: “I’ll take ‘What You Call Dat Guy’ for $200, Alex.”

Alex: “For two-hundred dollars, the answer is, ‘The guy who doesn’t know the difference between rigatoni and penne pasta.’”

BUZZ

Lars: “The question is, ‘What is ill-informed?’”

Alex: “That’s not the correct response. Sorry again, Lars.”

BUZZ

Alex: “Angela?”

Angela: “What’s an asshole?”

Alex: “That’s correct. Your pick, Angela.”

Angela: “”I’ll stick with ‘What You Call Dat Guy’ – for $300, Alex.”

Alex: “For three-hundred dollars, the answer is, “The guy who wears Birkenstocks to work.”

BUZZ

Lars: “The question is, ‘What is an environmentalist?’”

Alex: “You’re having a bit of rough time, Lars. Sorry, that is not the correct response.

BUZZ

Alex: “Angelo, it’s up to you.”

Angelo: “What’s an asshole?”

Lars: “Wait a minute! This is baloney. I’ve never seen the ‘correct response’ be the same thing three times in a row!”

Alex: “Eddie, stop the tape! Lars, we will edit that last bit out for broadcast. Please try to refrain from making such remarks. OK, Eddie. Roll tape.”

Alex: “Angelo, you get to pick.”

Angelo: “I’ll take ‘What You Call Dat Guy’ for $400, Alex.”

Alex: “OK for four-hundred dollars, the answer is ‘The most dangerous person on New Jersey’s highways.’”

BUZZ

Lars: “I know I have it right this time. The question is, ‘What’s an asshole?’”

Alex: “Sorry Lars. That’s not correct.”

BUZZ

Angelo: “What’s a … friggin’ old guy?”

Alex: “No, Angelo. That’s not what we’re looking for.”

BUZZ

Alex: “Angela?”

Angela: “What’s an asshole from Ohio?”

Alex: “That’s right, Angela. It looks like we’re out of time. Angela is the big winner tonight, with Angelo coming in second. Lars, you finished with zero on the board. Sorry about that.”

Lars: “This is ridiculous, and Angelo, and Angela, you people are morons.”

Angelo: “Yo, asshole. You lookin’ for a problem?”

Alex: “Eddie, cut the tape.”

As the Georgia Bloggers were getting shitfaced on sipping Velociman’s Artillery Punch in Helen, Georgia (a slice of Bavaria in the Peach State), two carloads of the Usual Suspects headed off on Friday for Cape May, the beautiful Victorian town on the southern tip of the Garden State. We packed light in order to leave room for the Usual Suspects’ signature Traveling Bar. The weather could not possibly have been better. Here some highlights:

Kickoff: As is our custom, we began the drinkathon festivities at the Ugly Mug, one of my favorite saloons. Instead of ordering the customary Ugly Mug fare (bacon cheeseburgers or Philly cheesesteak sandwiches), some of us decided to go for something slightly more nutritionally responsible, so we ordered chicken Caesar wraps. Obviously, that decision must have been the product of a brain fart, as the wraps were lousy. (Note to self and other Usual Suspects: Stick to greasy stuff at the Ugly Mug. They do that well.)

The Stardust Shrink and his Ocean view Digs**: We had all been invited to party on Friday and Saturday at the beautiful summer digs of the Stardust Shrink. As in the past, Stardust proved to be a host extraordinaire, with a boundless supply of good humor and great stories. We assembled for the continuation of the drinkathon cocktails and snacks on the deck overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, which was constantly cooled by an ocean breeze. Quite simply, it doesn’t get much better than that.

The Veritable Feast: On Saturday, the group was joined by the Stardust Sister and her husband, Bill the Griller, and the Stardust Mom (see below). As the gang slugged down Margaritas as if they were lemonade sampled Margaritas, the Stardust Sister and Bill the Griller got to business preparing a mondo meal, which supplemented the lobsters (which had been alive a few hours earlier) that the Stardust Shrink killed steamed and chilled. Bill the Griller cooked up a pile of baby back ribs and a bunch of chicken breasts that were beyond excellent, while the Stardust Sister took care of the baked beans, veggies and assorted other great things to eat. The food was wonderful.

Some Fun Stuff: If you’ve come to think that the only thing the Usual Suspects do is eat and drink, shame on you. We do lots of things while we eat and drink. Here are a few examples:

Prestidigitation
This year the Stardust Shrink (who is also a real, honest-to-goodness magician – he goes to the conventions and stuff) rendered us speechless with some close-up magic. He repeated the “Card in the Little Box” trick that he had done for us last December. Damned if I can figure out how he does it.

He also unveiled a new one, which involved what appeared to be a lighted orb, slightly larger than a marble, which he seemingly produced from nowhere. What followed was a lightening-fast display that was performed so as to make it appear that the orb was sailing at high speed back and forth between his hands, in one of his ears and out the other, in his nose and out his mouth, and even into the mouth of one of the Usual Suspects, causing her to do a panic spit, obviously believing at some level that he really shot this bullet-like flaming orb into her mouth. (Clearly, we are the perfect patsies for a good magician.)

Some Jokes
The rules were that we were all to be prepared to tell at least one joke following the Saturday Feast. By this time, everyone was pretty well oiled, so you can imagine the hilarity that ensued as each person, in turn, had the “stage.” A “prize” (a chicken shooter, or some such thing, as I recall) was given to the person telling the best joke. The Quietly Sinister Linda took home the prize for a joke that was so salty it would have made a Chief Boatswain’s Mate blush.

Some Tunes
Yes, we did a few tunes. However, what made this time special (at least for me) was that it marked the debut of my new “Road Axe”. I was most pleased with its performance. I think that, in the future, I can confidently leave the vintage Gibson at home, safe and sound.

Da Bonus: Perhaps the biggest treat of the weekend was that Doris, the Stardust Mom, was in attendance. This marked the first time that Mrs. Parkway and I got to meet the Stardust Mom, about whom we had previously heard wonderful things. The Stardust Mom is into her eighth decade on the planet, but she has a gleam in her eye that would rival that of a twenty-something. It takes only about ten seconds after meeting her to realize that: (a) you instantly like her, and (b) you’ve just met someone very special. Not one to sit around watching Oprah, the Stardust Mom still mows three acres of grass on her power mower and tends to the gardens everyday on her “spread” in Pennsylvania.

Staying right in the middle of the action, she told a joke (a spicy one, I might add) and howled with the rest of us at everyone else’s jokes. The clincher for me was when she described how she decided to try parasailing this year. Yep, parasailing! She said, “I’d never done it, and it looked like it would be fun.”

We were quite taken with this gracious lady.

It was a helluva weekend.

**They are not the digs pictured at the top of the post. The featured picture is typical of the Victorian homes in the town of Cape May.

I have returned from Cape May, but I am having some site problems, including being spammed and not being able to get MT Blacklist to zap them.

Later.