It’s been a long time since I sat down to write in my diary. That’s because I’ve been totally busy slamming the shit out of my gabel while speaking in the House. I’ve been breaking my gorgeous ass getting laws passed that are, like, totally rad. Free stuff for everyone!
And yet, what do I get in return? A bunch of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging idiots carrying flags with snakes on them – yes snakes! – asking me about the constitutionicity of the laws that I broke my picture-perfect ass to pass for them. Ungrateful bastards! Pricks! I’m the goddamned SPEAKER in the House, and I know all about the constitutionicity of stuff. Obviously, those snake-flag waving Nazis never heard of the Good and Plenty Clause in the Constitution.
Then there was the election. What did I do on the night of the election? I planned my own little victory party, because nobody can beat me in my district — ever. My people love me. So, I had laid in an ample supply of high quality herb — no stems or seeds. Totally primo shit. I paid for the services of a Mexican named Diego who was going to show me how to play “Ride the Bucking Burro.” He brought over some homemade enchiladas and one of those big hats – You know: the kind those people wear – a somblego or some shit.
We fired up the weed and watched Keith Olbermann. He is sooooo smart, but Diego seemed a bit puzzled by it all, so I kept him busy by letting him play with my tits. By the time the polls on the East Coast closed, we had done the enchiladas, a couple six packs of Corona and three or four shots of Jose Cuervo. I was wearing my somblego and nothing else.
We were just getting started playing the Bucking Burro Game when I got a bunch of calls from the whiney-ass house members who were in the process of getting their asses kicked in the polls. It was like, ”Oooooh Nancy, I’m like totally screwed. I did everything you said and voted the way you told me to, and now I’m going to have to get a real job. Whatever am I going to do?”
Crybaby bitches! They didn’t do everything I told them to do, because if they did, they would still have their jobs. I told them a gazillion times, “If you want to win elections, you have to look sexy – like me!” But did they listen? Nooooo. So now they want to bellyache to me? Screw them. I unplugged the phone.
Besides, I wanted to hop back on that bucking burro.