June 23, 2003

Cell Phone Vulgarians.™

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 11:55 pm

Surely you know whereof I speak. It is, after all, 2003, and there are more than 135 million cell phones out there. But, for those of you who may have spent the last ten years locked in a basement, I should explain that the Cell Phone Vulgarians are those cell phone users who are so deaf, dumb and blind to the sensibilities of others in their immediate vicinity that they don’t appear to have any idea that we don’t want to be forced to hear their side of a brainless conversation with some unknown person.

Here’s what I mean. I recently found myself in a crowded waiting room of an outpatient surgical center. People come to this place for various “procedures,” all of which involve the use of general anesthesia (e.g. colonoscopies and endoscopies), and each of which carries with it some well-explained risks. In addition, everyone there is cognizant of the possibility of getting a “bad result” from one of these procedures, which can mean a sudden and dramatic turning point in one’s life. Everyone in the room was either a patient awaiting his or her “procedure” (I was one of those), or was a family member or friend who had to be there to drive the patient home because of the possible aftereffects of general anesthesia. In sum, this was not exactly a tension-free room.

OK, so we are all sitting there in this crowded room, thumbing through magazines, and trying not to be nervous (with, at best, marginal success), when we were all treated to a an award-winning performance by a Cell Phone Vulgarian. He was a thirty-something (clearly old enough to know better) moron who sat in the center of the waiting room and succumbed to his insatiable need to make a chitchat phone call. He made this call while sitting cross-legged and thumbing through a magazine. The jerk was actually flipping pages of the magazine on his lap all the while he was talking. Mr. Butthead talked away, and we all learned, whether we wanted to or not, that in his life there was “…not much happening….just bringing my father in for a colonoscopy…it’s pretty crowded here…hope it’s not a long wait, and…the movie was lousy.” Blah, blah, blah. We also learned that his previous weekend was not remarkable and that he was not optimistic about the coming weekend being any better because of the ominous weather forecast he had heard that morning. He sounded like a sixteen year old the night before the prom. Finally, the dipshit finished his call.

Thanks, Butt Munch. We all needed to know that.

He apparently concluded that we hadn’t heard enough because seconds after he finished the first call, he dialed a second number and did a replay of the same goddamned vapid conversation. After ten more excruciating minutes, he finished this most important call.

I thought, he has got to be finished now; there is no way that this dopey bastard has more than two friends. WRONG. He dialed yet a third number, and we were treated to yet another reprise of the same drivel.

By this time, I was ready to stuff his little silver telephone in a place where he would have needed the surgical expertise of the doctors in the next room to get himself a “phone-ectomy.” Fortunately, at that moment, it was time for my “procedure,” so I didn’t have to listen to this moron any longer.

My exasperation was hardly unique. Cell phone misuse in restaurants, public conveyances, churches, schools and in live performances has spawned an internet cottage industry of preaching about “cell phone etiquette.” One of the most notable websites is called, not surprisingly, Cell Manners. While Cell Manners seeks to educate and cajole call phone users to be more considerate, there is another site that argues for open warfare on Cell Phone Vulgarians and goes so far as to advocate cell phone use legislation. The concern for cell phone misuse is not limited to the internet. At least one national newspaper has editorialized about the problem.

Legislation is neither necessary nor desirable. Rather, what is needed is a shred of common sense and old-fashioned manners when it comes to cell phone use. I am considering doing my part by making up little slips of paper containing the URL for a cell phone etiquette website, and leaving one with the Vulgarians I surely will encounter in the future.

Of course, there are those who think that websites devoted to the idea of cell phone etiquette are silly. However, I am quite certain that the author of that piece never had the pleasure of listening to my Waiting Room Vulgarian for a half hour or so.

Well, my procedure went well, and I truly hope that the Cell Phone Vulgarian did, in fact, have a lousy weekend.

Shock and Awe In

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 11:46 am

Shock and Awe In New Jersey.
This just in. Residents throughout the state were seen running from their homes and places of business looking skyward. It seems that sun has made a rare appearance here, which has left many waterlogged Garden Staters confused and delirious. However, things should return to normal later today when overcast skies and rain are expected to return.

June 22, 2003

Sunday, Lousy Weather, Good Book.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:00 pm

Sunday, Lousy Weather, Good Book.
Finding it hard to blog today. Why? I am close to the end of this book, and I gotta find out what happens!

John “57 Varieties” (of Baloney)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:06 pm

John “57 Varieties” (of Baloney) Kerry.
Zombyboy at Resurrection Song does a fine job of exposing the Massachusetts Senator as being just another “I’ll-say anything-to-get-elected” kind of guy. Kerry – What a sorry ass.

June 21, 2003

Friday* Five – Hair!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 12:49 am

Friday* Five – Hair!

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?

Longish, thick and wavy. I have great hair. No point in being modest about it. I have great farookin’ hair.

I bullshit you not.

One time, a guy peeing in the urinal next to the one I was using looked over at me and said, “Would it be O.K. if I ask you a question?”

The large number of you who don’t pee standing up should know that, in general, talking to strangers while peeing is a breach of men’s room etiquette. Proper etiquette dictates that, while peeing, one remains silent, with eyes locked onto the imaginary spot on the wall directly in front of one’s face.

So, I was a understandably a bit surprised to have this guy, whom didn’t know, talk to me at all. And, I was even more surprised to have him request permission to ask me a question. Did I mention that this guy was bald? Well, he was.

Not wanting to violate the Men’s Room Code of the West, but at the same time not wanting to be rude, or even more importantly, not wanting to possibly piss off (bad choice of words, I know) the bald, inquisitive talk-while-peeing nutbar next to me, I responded, “Sure.”

He said, “My wife loves your toupee, and she asked me to find out where you got it.”

No baloney. That’s what they guy said. I assured him that my hair was indeed my hair. I wasn’t sure he believed me, but I damned well wasn’t about to invite him to reach over and give it a tug.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?

It was originally dark, dark brown. Now it is salty and peppery, but it’s getting a little saltier each year. Damned nice hair.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?

Back, no part. Sort of like Richard Gere’s doo.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?

Change it? No way. It’s my best physical asset. Did I mention that it is exceptional hair?

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?

Army Basic Training. ‘Nuff said.

* It is now about fifty minutes into Saturday, but I didn’t get around to posting this until now. So shoot me. But just don’t screw around with my hair.

June 20, 2003

Garden State Dems Prefer Lieberman

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:41 pm

Garden State Dems Prefer Lieberman So Far.
New Jersey Politics, in its June 20, 2003 edition (Sorry, no permalinks), is reporting a Quinnipiac Poll that shows that the current favorite of New Jersey Democrats in the field of Democrat presidential candidates is Joe Lieberman with 26%. Next is John Kerry with 15%, followed by Dick Gephardt with 13%, and (are you ready for this?) Al Sharpton with 8%. Dean, Edwards, Moseley-Braun, Graham, and Kucinich “did not register any significant support among New Jersey Democratic primary voters.”

The good news is that none of them fared well in a head to head contest with President Bush, and when Mrs. Clinton is paired up with George Bush, it is Bush 54% to Mrs. Clinton’s 38% (There is a God.)

It’s interesting, but it is still early in the game. This is, after all, the state that elected John Corzine, Robert Torricelli, Frank Lautenberg (twice!), and Governor Jim McGreevey. Oy!!

Israeli Apology. Horsefeathers posted an

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:42 pm

Israeli Apology.
Horsefeathers posted an Israelii “apology” to the Palestinians following the then latest terrorist attack on civilians (sadly, since then there have been more). Professor Stephen Berger’s twelve points of “contrition” speak volumes.

June 19, 2003

Do You Hate Your

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:20 pm

Do You Hate Your High School Yearbook Picture?
I meant it. Do you really hate your high school yearbook picture? Every now and then (mostly then) when you drag it out of the basement, do you recoil in horror upon seeing yourself as others saw you those many years ago? Well if you’re fortunate enough to be a high school student in the Garden State, take heart. Help is on the way.

Our lawmakers in Trenton are toiling over legislation that would permit children to provide their own pictures for inclusion in the yearbooks of the state’s high schools. They can drag out one of their “faves” from mom’s cigar box full of photos, or, if they have a few bucks, they can hire a photographer to take their pictures for the yearbook. (I hope someone told Annie Liebowitz about this looming big-biz opportunity in Jersey.)

“A bill authored by Assemblyman Louis Greenwald (D-Camden) and picked up by state Sens. Anthony Bucco (R-Morris) and Walter Kavanaugh (R-Somerset) would let high school students take their own pictures or hire their own photographers, as long as the submissions meet their high schools’ yearbook requirements and deadlines.”

Remember the names of these bi-partisan, seriously progressive legislative swashbucklers, because they clearly have the guts to tackle the big issues and let the chips fall where they may. They have bravely chosen not to waste their valuable time on unimportant things in the state like out-of-control taxation, ineffective schools in some areas, car theft rivaled by no other state, roads that the Department of Transportation has rated as lousy, a Division of Youth and Family Services that manages, with frightening regularity, not to prevent the neglect and abuse of children, and some cities, portions of which look like post WWII Dresden and offer the comfort and security of downtown Baghdad.

Geniuses. I tip my mortarboard to them.

Celebrity Boxing.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 12:51 am


It has been reported that Joey Buttafuoco, the Long Island charmer who convinced his then-seventeen year old girlfriend, to shoot his wife in the head, and O.J. Simpson, the well known sensitive guy and tireless searcher for the real killer(s) of his wife and Ronald Goldman, will met each other in a boxing match. (Thanks to Not Quite Tea and Crumpets for the link).

Sensing an opportunity to cash in on this latest twist in reality programming, other celebrities are planning to engage in public pugilistic encounters. Parkway Rest Stop, the “Sports Insider,” has learned of some of the more notable matches that will take place in the near future. As a public service, I will list them here, and as a bonus, I will provide the guaranteed outcome of each match. Here we go:

The Match
Monica “Kid” Lewinsky vs. Hillary “Chainsaw” Clinton

The Result
Hillary wins, but only after calling in three ghostboxers to beat the hapless and out-of-shape Lewinsky to a pulp.

The Match
George “Cowpoke” Bush vs. Al “Totem” Gore

The Result
Bush wins in a decision, but only after protracted litigation, arising from Gore’s claim that the errant punches he threw should have been counted as “intended hits.” Gore’s handlers are still fuming over the result, insisting that Gore lost because the judge who ruled in Bush’s favor has a second cousin who once voted republican.

The Match
John “57” Kerry vs. Howard “The Burlington Yawn” Dean

The Result
No one wins. The match was called off because nobody gave a shit
.

The Match
David “Shingles” Letterman vs. Jay “The Chin” Leno

The Result
Leno wins by disqualification when Letterman could not answer the bell after breaking his hand on Leno’s chin
.

The Match
Alan “Hawkeye” Alda vs. Mike “B.J.” Farrell

The Result
After twelve rounds, the match is called a draw when neither contestant would strike the other, both proclaiming that fighting is never the answer.

The Match
Sammy “Corky” Sosa vs. Mark “Maris Shmaris” McGwire

The Result
Sosa knocks McGwire out in the second round, but the bout is ultimately awarded to McGwire when it was discovered that Sosa had secreted lead weights in his gloves.

June 18, 2003

The Latest BlogSpot Surprise. Just

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:00 pm

The Latest BlogSpot Surprise.

Just when BlogSpot fixed the upload problem in its new and “improved” version, I noticed that several of the posts on this page are all in italics, when they are not coded to appear that way. Oy!!

Good thing I don’t have my hammer handy.

UPDATE: It turns out that this problem was Blogger’s fault, but I should have seen it. Cousin Jack sent me an e-mail explaining that if there is no tag at the end of italicized text in the last line of a post, Blogger publishes the following post in italics. In my case, being quite HTML dim (but TJ gave me an HTML book for Father’s Day, so I’m learning), I used the the Blogger feature that inserts the tags, and it omitted the tag at the end of the post. Today, tags. Tomorrow, who knows? Maybe I’ll finally learn what RSS feeds (I think that’s what they are called) are.

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