Well, LALOLKFATYK stands for â€œLearn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Knowâ€. Anyone who has spent more than an hour in the â€˜sphere knows what a â€œMemeâ€ is. Such a person would also know that a Meme survives by virtue of those peeps having received it â€œtaggingâ€ others to join in the â€œfunâ€.
In this case, I was tagged by the Wiseass Brooklyn Jooette. She was tagged by Randy, a member of the Montana Cabal, who never seems to miss an opportunity to send me pictures of alligators and then mock me for being afraid of those prehistoric creatures (as if Montana was thick as fleas with gators).
I think that Randy and those Montana guys need something to do with their time other than staring into their farookinâ€™ Big Sky. For openers, they could all use a good healthy dose of Sunday night northbound traffic on the Garden State Parkway in August. Hell, there are more peeps caught in Parkway traffic on those nights than there are in the whole farookinâ€™ state of Montana.
As for the Wiseass Brooklyn Jooette, she suffers from Jersey Envy, because we actually have a tree or two and plenty of people who donâ€™t talk like Chuck Schumer (the Lens Louse).
Still, being the goddamned prince that I am, I will answer the questions posed by the â€œMemers.â€ If you find yourself screaming and clicking before you get to the end, you have Randy, the Montana Lemon and Erica, the Brooklyn Jersey-Wannabe to thank.
Youâ€™ve been warned.
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
It would be very nice to be able to say that I was named after King James (of Bible fame), or James Madison, but, in truth, I was named after my fatherâ€™s father and my fatherâ€™s brother who died in his teens. I suspect that my fatherâ€™s father was named after his father who for all I know might well have made his living by holding up saloons in Ireland.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I damned near cried on election night in November 2006 and wanted to slit my wrists the day that Nancy Pelosi took the â€œgabelâ€ and became â€œThe Speaker in the House,â€ but I managed to hold it together. I cried nine years ago while we petted Barney, our dog of fourteen years, when he regained consciousness long enough to look at us with sad eyes, after the vet gave him the injection that would end his suffering.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I do, but no one else seems to think very much of it. Besides, I can type way faster than I can write.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Lean, imported boiled ham, or German bologna from the local German butcher.
[Admit it. Isnâ€™t this goddamned riveting?]
DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, one very excellent daughter with a seriously dormant blog.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Absolutely, because then I would have a friend who likes good booze, good music and has a habit of picking up bar tabs.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Never. Not at all. Wouldnâ€™t think of it.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No, nor am I in possession of my appendix or my wisdom teeth, the latter accounting for my obvious lack of wisdom. My stindeens, although often frosted and sometimes broken, remain intact. Thanks for asking.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not now, but if I make it to 90, give me a bottle of bourbon, wait an hour, and ask me then.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Homemade granola. I keep a special pair of Birkenstocks and Joan Baez records handy for granola baking days. Itâ€™s totally groovy. I should consider a mail order business. Far out.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Always, when Iâ€™m sober.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
If that means â€œCan I lift really heavy shit?â€ the answer is hell no. If it has anything to do with eating beans, definitely yes.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Butter almond, Dutch Apple or Chocolate Anything.
[Oy! Am I almost done?]
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Teeth, hair, then, if a woman, boobs. Brains take a bit longer to see.
RED OR PINK?
I like dusty rose and long walks on the beach.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Being a techno-chicken. I have to learn to click with abandon.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My parents and olâ€™ Barney the dog. When it comes to blogging, shit shooting and guitar pickinâ€™, I sure miss Rob.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Red shorts made of sweatshirt material and no shoes.
[This stuff is right up there with the Lunar Landing in the Interesting Department.]
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Chili with rice
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The chili and rice working its way through my alimentary canal and gearing up to make me â€œstrongâ€.
IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Is there a color called â€œFarookinâ€™ Blue?â€ If so, thatâ€™s me.
[Did Baba Wawa write these questions?]
Sausage, peppers and onions cooking on the boardwalk.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mrs. Parkway. She wanted to know something about The Sopranos, proving I am not completely useless around the house.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Boxing, NASCAR and Synchronized Swimming (Proving beyond peradventure that Iâ€™m in touch with my feminine side. Itâ€™s a Dusty Rose thing).
The color of a healthy turd.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
God, no. Nor do I stick knitting needles or any other foreign matter in my eyes. ACK!
[Yo, Iâ€™m starting to fade here.]
Peanut butter, pizza. Anyone who eats raw clams or oysters could slurp up a big olâ€™ ginder. [A gratuitous snotty remark, I know, but I tend to do that when I begin to grow weary.]
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I have to go with happy endings. There is more than enough scary shit going on in real life. (e.g. Nancy Pelosi, Hillary).
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Clint Eastwoodâ€™s â€œFlags of Our Fathersâ€ Feh!
I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?
Now, thatâ€™s Clint Eastwood.
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black Rutgers tee shirt. Boola boola!
SUMMER OR WINTER?
Seeing as how spring and fall are not an option, Iâ€™ll go with summer. Iâ€™m getting too old and cranky for Jersey winters, but the good news is that irrespective of the season, this is a Gator-Free State..
HUGS OR KISSES?
Either or both can be very nice, but then again, either or both can be awful, depending on who the hugger or kisser is. For example, if the hugger/kisser is Helen Thomas or the guy who cuts my lawn, then both hugging and/or kissing would be decidedly disgusting.
Home made apple pie.
MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
[I havenâ€™t tagged anyone yet, but I guess itâ€™s time]
Tammi (Sheâ€™s too nice to tell me to piss off.)
LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
[More tagging â€¦ ]
Velociman (Heâ€™s not a meme guy: Heâ€™s more of sex with barnyard animals guy. Iâ€™ll probably wind up with some sort of dung on my porch for inviting him to play.)
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
â€œCrazies to the Left of Me, Wimps to the Rightâ€ by Bernard Goldberg and â€œTeam of Rivalsâ€ by Doris Kearns Goodwin.
[Jesus, is anyone still reading this?]
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
The Parkway Rest Stop Banner, a giftie from daughter a while back. Makes me feel like hot shit, it does.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Probably something on the History Channel (e.g. Hitlerâ€™s Belief in Mystical Shit and Waxed Stindeens) or something on â€œModern Marvelsâ€ (e.g. bolts, or slag or some shit). I really canâ€™t remember.
Good harmony and Hillary shutting the f**k up.
ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
This is a real Sophieâ€™s Choice. Musically, the Beatles, but they could never rock like the Stones.
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Hawaii, I suppose.
[Anyone left out there? Anybody?]
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Just one? I am one multi-talented mo-dicker. And, I do laundry.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Newark, the Garden Spot of the East.
WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Jerry, Bou and Denny, all of whom are hereby tagged, which will no doubt come as an unpleasant surprise to them, because they surely didnâ€™t read this drivel in its entirety.
Of course, if you have not been tagged and youâ€™d like to endure this exercise, feel free to do so on your blog, and leave a link in the comments. If you are blogless (and therefore have a real life) fire away in the comments section.