September 23, 2004

At Home with John and Teresa. No. 13

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:28 pm

John: “May I have a moment, Muffin?”

Teresa: “Can’t you see that I’m watching television here? I bought you your own television, didn’t I? Go watch television in your room, and don’t bother me.”

John: “It’s just that the advance people have to know whether you will be coming with me to the South to campaign.”

Teresa: “The SOUTH? You mean that awful place where they eat those gricks, or grits – whatever – and other disgusting things? They’re not sexy. They’re not sassy. They don’t even speak French. They all have trucks and guns, but no teeth or shoes, and they marry their cousins. Is that the SOUTH you want me to campaign in? They can all shove it, and so can you. Now, scram.”

John: “I appreciate what you are saying, Muffin. Remember, I actually told you that I didn’t like the South before I told you I did like the South. But, our advisors say it will not look good if it appears that we have something against the South or southerners.”

Teresa: “Screw the advisors, and screw you. I’m not going!”

John: “Pretty please? There must be at least one place in the South you wouldn’t mind visiting. … Please?”


John: “It would mean a lot to me.”

Teresa: “Who gives a rat’s about you?”

John: “Sweetheart,…I……”

Teresa: “Quiet! I’m thinking. … You know? There actually is one place in the South I think I would like to visit.”

John: “Splendid, Muffin. Where would that be?”

Teresa: “Mayberry.”

John: “Mayberry??”

Teresa: “Absolutely. I would love to go to Mayberry. I know all about the place. I want you to have our advance people be sure to have that nice sheriff up on the stage with us. Oh, what is his name? Andy….Andy Taylor. That’s it. They should tell him to be sure to bring his little boy with him. Opie’s his name. What a cute kid. No thumb sucker, that one. They’re so cute together. How could I forget Andy’s Aunt Bee. I want her on the stage too.”

John: “Muffin….”

Teresa: “Dammit John, I’m making important plans here. Let’s see… Yes…. There’s Barney (that’s Andy’s deputy, you know).…I don’t think he should be on the stage. He’s a really nervous guy, and he does carry a bullet. I think the crowds might scare him..…”

John: “Muffin…..”

Teresa: “Make sure you tell them to keep that Otis fellow in his jail cell while we’re there. He’s a nice man, but he gets pretty drunk, and………..”

John: “MUFFIN!!”

Teresa: “Are you raising your voice with me, you turd? Have you lost your mind? Get moving on this with the advance people before I change my mind.”

John: “There’s a little problem, Muffin.”

Teresa: “Problem? I don’t do ‘problem.’ If there’s some kind of problem, straighten out with the staff.”

John: “Muffin, the problem is that there is no such place as Mayberry.”


John: “It’s a fictional town, and Andy Taylor, Opie and the rest of the people you mentioned are not real people. They’re actors in a television show that was popular in the sixties. You’ve probably seen them on Nickelodeon. The show has been in re-runs for years.”


John: “I’m sorry, Muffin.”

Teresa: “You miserable shitbag. If you EVER breathe a word of this conversation to ANYONE, I swear I’ll tell Matt Drudge about the helmet and flak jacket game you like to play in the bedroom.”


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