September 29, 2004

At Home With John and Teresa. No. 15

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:40 pm

Teresa: (Opens front door) “Hey, you! Yeah, you over there, standing by the bush! Come here.”

Evans: “Yes, ma’am?”

Teresa: “Are you one of my people?”

Evans: “’Your people,’ ma’am?”

Teresa: “Do you have shit in your ears? I asked if you are one of my people? Do you work for me?”

Evans: “I suppose that’s true, ma’am, in a manner of speaking.”

Teresa: “’In a manner of speaking?’ You must be some kind of wiseass. Who the hell are you?”

Evans: “My name is Roy Evans, and I am one of the Secret Service Agents assigned to protect you and Mr. Kerry.”

Teresa: “So, you do work for me, after all. Why didn’t you just say so?”

Evans: “That’s not exactly correct, ma’am. I , work for the Department of Homeland Security, but I am assigned to you.”

Teresa: “That’s just great. Now I have to put up with nuance from the help too.”

Evans: “Ma’am?”

Teresa: “Never mind. Did anyone ever tell you that you talk a lot like that son-of-a-bitch Zell Miller.”

Evans: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m from Georgia. I suppose that’s why I sound a little bit like Senator Miller.”

Teresa: “Well, I friggin’ hate it. Do you know that his awful speech made my husband shit his pants?”

Evans: “No, ma’am, I didn’t know that. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Teresa: “Well it did, and I don’t think you are at all sorry, because you sound just like him.”

Evans: “Was there something in particular you wanted, ma’am?”

Teresa: “I’ll bet you don’t speak French.”

Evans: “No ma’am, I don’t.”

Teresa: “Did you know that I speak five languages? I do, you know.”

Evans: “Yes, ma’am. I have heard that.”

Teresa: “I’ll bet you don’t speak any language other than English, if you can even call that mush-mouthed shit you speak English.”

Evans: “Actually, ma’am, I speak Russian, Korean and a fair amount of Farsi.”


Evans: “So, what is it you wanted ma’am?”

Teresa: “Well, the first goddamned thing I want if for you to start showing me some respect. I am going to be the First Friggin’ Lady, you know, and I don’t need you bragging about all the languages you speak.”

Evans: “I intended no disrespect, ma’am. It was you who raised the subject.”



Teresa: “Tell me something, Evans. Are you married?”

Evans: “No, ma’am, I’m single.”

Teresa: “You must work out. I’ll bet you’re pretty buff under that shirt.”

Evans: “Ma’am, I should return to my post. Was there something that you wanted?”

Teresa: “Do you think I have nice legs?”


Teresa: “How about my ass? Tight as a drum, I’d say. I’m pretty damned sexy, and sassy too. What do you think?”

Evans: “If there won’t be anything else, ma’am, I think I should return to my post.”

Teresa: “I have shitloads of money, Evans.”

Evans: “Yes, ma’am.”

Teresa: “When I move into the White House, I could set you up real comfortably, if you get my meaning.”

Evans: “If there’s nothing else ma’am, I’m returning to my post now.”

Teresa: “Oh I get it. You’re one of those goody-two-shoes, red-white and blue patriot assholes, and you think you’re better than I am.”

Evans: “Ma’am, I haven’t done or said anything that could possibly be construed that way.”

Teresa: “OK Captain America, rather than your standing over there by the bush doing nothing, I want you to run out to the store and pick me up two packs of Newports and a copy of the Enquirer.”

Evans: “I’m sorry ma’am, I cannot do that.”

Teresa: “WHAT? You insolent shit. I don’t tolerate that crap from my dipshit husband, and I’m sure as hell not going to tolerate if from the help.”

Evans: “Ma’am, my assignment is to protect you and your husband, not to run your errands, and that’s what I intend to do.”

Teresa: “Don’t hand me that horseshit. I know that you guys used to do all sorts of personal things for Hillary.”

Evans: “Those days are over, ma’am.”

Teresa: “Evans?”

Evans: “Yes, ma’am?”

Teresa: “SHOVE IT!!” (Slams door)

John: “Was that you talking with someone at the door again, Muffin?”

Teresa: “Jesus Christ!! Yes it was. Butt the hell out.”

John: “OK I’m sorry I asked.”

Teresa: “On second thought, I want you to be sure to add something to the “Whitehouse To Do List” I’ve been having you keep.”

John: “Yes, Muffin. What is it?”

Teresa: “Move everything down one notch, and put at the top ‘Fire Roy Evans, the insolent bastard’.”

John: “Who is Roy Evans?”

Teresa: “Did I give you permission to ask me any goddamned questions. Shut the hell up, and do what you’re told.”


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