September 26, 2004

At Home With John and Teresa. No. 14.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:21 pm

Teresa: (Opens front door) “Who are you? I’ve seen you here several times before, and each time I instructed Pierre not to answer the door. I’ve had enough of this, and I demand to know who you are and what you want.”

Paperboy: “My name is Tommy, ma’am. I’m your paperboy.”

Teresa: “Paperboy? What is that?”

Paperboy: “I deliver your newspaper every day, ma’am.”

Teresa: “Oh, I see. What do you want?”

Paperboy: “Well ma’am, I deliver the newspaper every day here, even on weekends, and I stop by every other week to make my collections. I’ve been here at least four times, and no one has ever answered the door.”

Teresa: “I still don’t know what you want. Go away, and leave us alone.”

Paperboy: “Ma’am, I need to be paid for the papers I’ve delivered for the last eight weeks. You owe me thirteen dollars and fifty cents, and that includes today’s paper.”

Teresa: “Do you really expect me to actually give you thirteen dollars and fifty cents?”

Paperboy: “Well, yes ma’am, I do.”

Teresa: “I’ll bet you don’t speak French.”

Paperboy: “No, Ma’am, I don’t.

Teresa: “German?”

Paperboy: “Sorry, ma’am, I don’t.”

Teresa: “Italian?”

Paperboy: “No, ma’am. No Italian.”

Teresa: “I thought as much. I speak all those languages, you know. Do you know who I am?”

Paperboy: “Yes, ma’am, I do.”

Teresa: “Well, then you know that I am a very important person, and you must be out of your mind, if you think I am actually going to hand you money. Have your Accounts Receivable Department send my Accounts Payable people an invoice, and don’t expect payment until sixty days after they receive the invoice.”

Paperboy: “Ma’am, I’m a paperboy. I don’t have an Accounts Receivable Department. I come by every other week to get paid. Everyone pays me that way.”

Teresa: “Listen, smartass, I’m not everyone. I am the next goddamned First Lady of the United States. And, if you plan on staying in business, you’ll just have to manage your cash flow better.”

Paperboy: “That’s the problem, ma’am. I have to pay for the newspapers I deliver to you, and if you don’t pay me, I am out that money, and I’m saving for a new bicycle so I can expand my route.”

Teresa: “I guess it sucks to be you, then, doesn’t it?”

Paperboy: “Please, ma’am. I really need to be paid.”

Teresa: “I told you. Send an invoice to my Accounts Payable Department, and they will pay you in sixty days.”

Paperboy: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you won’t pay me, I can’t deliver the paper here any more. I can’t afford to pay for your newspapers and not get my money.”

Teresa: “Are you telling the Future First Lady that YOU have decided on your own to stop delivering our paper?”

Paperboy: “Yes, Ma’am.

Teresa: “Try it, you little shit, and you’ll hear from my lawyers.” (SLAMS door)

John: “Who was that, Muffin?”

Teresa: “It was nobody.”

John: “Nobody? I heard you talking with somebody? Who was it?”

Teresa: “What the hell you think this is? ‘Ask Teresa Questions Day?’ It was just some street urchin.”

John: “Street urchin? Did you say street urchin?”

Teresa: “Yes, goddammit, I did, and I don’t want to hear any more from you. I bought you a new swiftboat model, didn’t I? Go to your room and put it together.


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