October 20, 2004

At Home With John and Teresa. No. 19

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 5:10 pm

John: (answering phone) “Hello?”

Voice: “Is this John F. Kerry, the guy running for President?”

John: “This is John F. Kerry speaking, and who is this? Do you realize it is the middle of the night?”

Voice: “You don’t recognize my voice?”

John: “No, I don’t recognize your voice, and stop playing games. Who the hell is this?”

Voice: “I can’t believe you don’t recognize my voice. How about this? (singing) ‘I just wanna be your teddy bear….Put a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere’.”

John: “Oh, so you’re some asshole Elvis impersonator. How did you get this number?”

Elvis: “Impersonator, my ass, Stork Boy. I’m the real goddamned deal.”

John: “Baloney. Everyone knows that Elvis is dead.”

Elvis: “Hey, I may be dead, but that don’t mean I’m gone. We get phone time up here in Rock ‘n Roll Heaven.”

John: “Rock ‘n Roll Heaven. You must be insane. Good bye.”

Elvis: “Wait! I’ll prove it to you. Look up at the ceiling. Look now, because I can only do this for a few seconds.”

John: (looks up) “Holy Shit! It’s your face! It just disappeared.”

Elvis: “Satisfied now?”

John: “I guess I am, but this is really weird. I’m calling Teresa in here.”

Elvis: “I didn’t call to talk to her. I called to talk to you.”

John: “Well, what is it you want?”

Elvis: “I wanna know WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

John: “What the hell do you mean by that? Nothing is wrong with me. In fact, I’m the democrat candidate for the presidency.”

Elvis: “Man, you are dumber than dirt. Of course I know that. I’m calling to tell you that you got no damned Elvis in you!”

John: “No Elvis in me? What does that mean?”

Elvis: “Hell, if you don’t know that means, then you’re even more screwed up than I had thought. Let’s see if I can help you with that. You are a sorry-assed Ichabod Crane lookin’ dork, you wear those ballet dancer looking duds when you ride a damned bicycle, you speak French, you’re boring as a damned dial tone, you can’t sing and you can’t play that damned guitar you keep having your picture taken with.”

John: “I can so play the guitar. Maybe even better than you.”

Elvis: “Listen, Hoss. One thing we learn here real fast is that bullshit doesn’t work. Something in the air actually identifies bullshit and turns the air a shade of green. I’m looking a little green cloud now forming around the phone, so don’t try to peddle your bullshit to me, OK?”

John: “OK, so I really can’t play the guitar worth a shit, and maybe I don’t have any Elvis in me. What’s the big deal?”

Elvis: “Jesus, you don’t get it, do you? Not havin’any Elvis in you doesn’t just mean that you can’t play the damned guitar. Not havin’ any Elvis in you means you’re talkin’ goddamned trash about the Commander in Chief while we got folks dying in the field. It means that you’re telling the people fighting in the war that they’re wastin’ their damned time, that they’re fighting the wrong war, at the wrong place, at the wrong time! What the HELL are you thinking about, boy?”

John: “I’ve had about enough of this.”

Elvis: “And what about that shit you pulled in 1971? Telling the Congress that American soldiers behaved like war criminals and then sitting down with the enemy while you were still in the goddamned military reserves? Hell, I was alive when you pulled that shit. If you had any Elvis in you, you’d never think of doing shit like that.”

John: “I already said that I may have gone too far in my testimony to congress in 1971, and as for the war, my position has always been consistent…..I have always believed that Saddam was a threat, but I……”

Elvis: “Bullshit! The green cloud here is about to fill the room. Truth is you were a lying opportunistic prick in 1971, and you’re STILL a lying, opportunistic prick. You talked trash in ’71 to get elected, and you’re talking the same trash now to get elected. And, guess what, Dickhead. Soldiers were dying when you did it in ’71 and they’re dying while you’re doing it now!”

John: “I think you are questioning my patriotism.”

Elvis: “You can think whatever you want, but I don’t intend to let you get away any more bullshit.”

John: “So what’s a dead drug addict like you going to do about it? Screw up the election?”

Elvis: “Hey Peckerwood, that’s a snap from up here. And, as for the ‘dead drug addict’ remark, sure I was a drug addict, but that was only because I had opportunistic pricks hang all over me for my money. Some of them even married me for my money. I also plan to have a little talk with that dumbass wife of yours before she starts hitting the pills. But that’s not all I have planned for you.”


Elvis: “Just fixin’ the election and getting that rich wife of yours to toss you out on your ass is too easy on you. No, Dickhead, when your time comes, I’m gonna arrange to have you met by a couple thousand military people who are already up here and who are anxiously awaiting their chance to get their hands on your sorry ass. When they’re done with you, they’ll send what’s left of you to your final destination. Think about it, asshole. Bye for now.”


Teresa: “John, JOHN!!! Wake up!!! You’re having a nightmare!!! Jesus, you’re all sweaty and you pissed in the bed. Get the hell in the shower, then put on clean pajamas and go back to sleep.”


Teresa: “Don’t just lie there shaking. Do as I told you!”

John: “Muffin, do I have any Elvis in me?”

Teresa: “What’s an Elvis?”


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