July 14, 2005

Jon and Hillary.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:25 pm

Jon Corzine, U.S. Senator from New Jersey and gubernatorial candidate (the “Jersey Zilch”), decided to place a call to Hillary Clinton, the Senator from New York.


Hillary’s Secretary, Monica: “Hello. Senator Hillary Clinton’s Office. How may I help you?”

Jon: “Hi, this is Jon. May I speak with Hillary, please?”

Monica: “Jon who?”

Jon: “Oh, sorry. It’s Jon Corzine. Is she in?”

Monica: “What were you calling in reference to, sir?”

Jon: “Why are you asking me that? This is Jon Corzine, and I would appreciate it if you would connect me with Hillary.”

Monica: “Sir, I asked you that in order to determine whether someone on the Senator’s staff might be able to help you with your problem.”

Jon: “Don’t you understand? My name is Jon Corzine, and I am a member of the United States Senate.”

Monica: “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t recognize that name.”

Jon: “Look, I really don’t care whether you recognize my name. Hillary will definitely recognize me name. Now, would you please put me through?”

Monica: “Oh wait! Maybe I do know who you are. Are you the one with the beard?”

Jon: (sigh) “Yes.”

Monica: “And what state did you say you’re from?”

Jon: “New Jersey, dammit. I’ve about had it with this. Put me through to the Senator right now.”

Monica: “There is no call to be nasty, sir. I’m just doing my job here. Hold on, and I will see if Senator Clinton is available.”


Hillary: “Yes, Monica. What is it?”

Monica: “I have Jon Corzine on the line, and he wants to talk to you.”

Hillary: “Never heard of him. Hand him off to Madeline. She’s good at handling the pains in the asses that insist on calling me.”

Monica: “He says he’s a Senator.”

Hillary: “A Senator? Can’t be. I have no idea who he is.”

Monica: “He’s the one with the beard.”

Hillary: “Beard? Let me think. Yes, I do recall seeing a bearded guy in the chamber once or twice. What state is he from?

Monica: “He says he is from New Jersey.”

Hillary: “Jesus, what could he want? I have my waxing appointment in an hour. Can’t you figure out a way to blow him off?”

Monica: “He insisted on talking with you, and he was beginning to lose his patience.”

Hillary: “Damn. OK, put him through.”

Monica: “Mr. Corzine?”

Jon: “It’s Senator Corzine.

Monica: “Oh, I apologize. I will put you through to Senator Clinton.”


Hillary: “Jon!!! Nice to talk with you. How have you been?”

Jon: “I’ve been fine, thanks, and how is everything with you?”

Hillary: “Very well. You know how it is. Busy, busy, busy. What can I do for you?”

Jon: “Well, as you know, I’m running for governor of New Jersey in November.”

Hillary: “How nice. Now that you mention it, I think I read something about that.”

Jon: “I was wondering whether you might be able to make a few appearances in New Jersey with me. You know, to help me in the election.”

Hillary: “You mean you want me to take time to travel to New Jersey and make speeches and shit?”

Jon: “Yeah. You know. The regular campaign things. Parades, conventions, labor union gatherings, fund raisers. Stuff like that.”

Hillary: “What’s in it for me?”

Jon: “I don’t understand.”

Hillary: “Let’s cut through the bullshit, shall we Jon? I need running all over New Jersey with you about as much as I need a boil on my ass. I figure Jersey is a lock in ’08. So, I ask you again. What’s in it for me?”

Jon: “I could return the favor and help you with your campaigns.”

Hillary: “Didn’t you hear what I just said? If you can’t come up with something better than that, this conversation is over.”

Jon: “I have a lot of money.”

Hillary: “I’m listening.”

Jon: Well, I spent $63 million on my own campaign, and I have given more than a million more to other democrats. I could give you some”

Hillary: “Now you’re talking Jon. How much are we talking about here?”

Jon: “I was thinking something along the lines of a million.”

Hillary: “A million? Are you shitting me? You just said that you spent $63 million on your own campaign in a goddamned Democrat state! I’m Hillary goddamned Clinton, for Chrissakes. You’re wasting my time with an offer like that.”

Jon: “Well, I could up the amount to four million.”

Hillary: “You’re wasting my time. I have more important things to attend to today. Good bye.”

Jon: “Wait!! Before you hang up in me, why don’t you tell me how much money it would take.”



Hillary: “Twenty-five million.”

Jon: “Twenty-five mil? Jesus, that’s quite a bit of money. Give me a day or so to work up a counteroffer, OK?”

Hillary: “Counteroffer my ass. Call me when you have the check.”

Jon: “I was sort of hoping that you’d be a bit more reasonable.”

Hillary: “Piss off!”

Jon: “What?”

Hillary: “You heard me. You come up with the money, and not one goddamned penny less, and I’ll have the lames in New Jersey believing that you’re the best thing that has happened to that shithole state since Thomas Edison. Now, like I said … Piss off!”


Jon: Bitch!

Hillary: Asshole!

25 Year Sentence.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:02 pm

OK, suppose you’re a 63 year old founder and former CEO of a huge telecommunications company and you’ve been convicted of overseeing the largest corporate fraud in U.S. history and sentenced to a 25 year prison term, which means that under the applicable sentencing guidelines you will be in jail until you are 85 years old. Let’s further suppose that you have three months before you have to report to jail.

What do you do?

Hellloooooooooooo South America.

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