Another Blogger Jumps Ship.
Drumwaster’s Rants! has moved off BlogSpot. His new, spiffy site can be found here. Please adjust your links or bookmarks, as the case may be.

I’m starting to feel like a member of the band on the Titanic!

Jimbo Fix-It Answers an Urgent E-Mail.
I recently received this urgent E-Mail, to which I feel I should respond immediately.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I am a regular reader, and I have been following your advice about using my hammer for do-it-yourself repairs. Here’s the problem. Last night I was using my hammer to fix my amplifier/receiver, which was making hissing sounds. When I hit the amp in just the right spot, a piece of plastic flew off and almost hit me in the eye. I’m thinking about buying a pair of safety glasses. What do you think?

Signed, Worried in Mount Pleasant

Dear W.I.M.P,.
I’d say that your initials are quite fitting. I think that you are probably watching that smartass Bob Vila, who probably wears safety glasses to blow his damned nose. If you insist on watching that crap, don’t waste Jimbo Fix-It’s valuable time.

And, you can use the money you saved buy not buying those useless safety glasses to put towards getting yourself a backup hammer.

A Bit of Good Fortune.
A couple days ago, I wrote about a problem I was having with the new, “improved” version of Blogger software, which features as one of its “improvements” the screwing up of the file upload function. I had asked anyone who might be experiencing the same problem to get in touch with me, if for no other reason than to give me a sense that my problem was sufficiently widespread to attract the attention of the computer whiz kids who are still apparently tweaking the new and “improved” version of Blogger software. Given the number of known readers who are still on BlogSpot, I sort of expected to hear from at least a handful of folks who are being similarly driven nuts by Blogger’s new software.

I heard from just one reader. However, as luck would have it, he happened to be just the right reader, because although he was having the same problem, he provided a workaround. I tried his tip, and it seems to work, for which I am most grateful.

Now, here’s good fortune.

The person who took the time to bail me out also happens to have a blog, which is called Side Salad. I looked at it, and I like it very much. I can understand why he would have figured out a Blogger workaround, as images play a prominent role in the overall look and feel of his blog. Please check it out, and, by all means, don’t miss the post (with film clips) of Mark Walker, the little kid (3 1/2years old) who can effortlessly shoot 18 straight baskets and who already has a shoe contract with Reebok.

Thanks again to Side Salad.

Father’s Day.

It was a great Father’s Day, which for me, included yesterday and visit from daughter and my new son-in-law. Today, I did some writing for a future blog (Sgt. Steele lives) and then took advantage of the first nice weekend day in God knows how long. Hung around with our regular cronies by the pool, drinking vodka and seltzer, with big pieces of lemon and lots of clear ice (refreshing and very civilized), and eating German hot dogs, made in our town, USA by a local German butcher. It was nice.

My dad (the wisest man I ever knew) died in 1994, but in my thoughts, we spent the day together.

Now, I am going to stop writing to see if I can find on the web a vodka logo beach umbrella for my friend’s deck. Hoping to find a Ketel One umbrella, but I am not optimistic.

P.S. BlogSpot’s new, “improved” upload feature is STILL not working. Color me seriously pissed.

BlogSpot Question – Really – No Kidding.
This question is directed to those who opened the Blogger site, then clicked to open your blog’s entry page (the one where you write your posts) and found the new version of Blogger on your screen. I am interested in knowing whether any of you are having the same problem I am having.

I have the Blogger product that, I believe, is called BlogSpot Plus 100, which means I PAID to be able to upload files for use in my blog. It has worked quite well in the past. However, with the new version, the goddamned upload feature does not work.

Here are the specifics. After I select a file from my C Drive for uploading, and I click the “Upload” button, a new window opens called, “Image Options.” In this window, one chooses whether to actually display the contents of the file (e.g. an image) in the blog or to insert the file in the blog as a link. (If my description of the problem is not appropriately technical, I apologize. I’m a farookin’ lawyer, not a computer guy.)

OK. So I make my selection (i.e. I click in the little circle in front of the option that lets you view the selected image itself, rather than a link), now what? I noticed that the window does not display a BUTTON that one can click to execute the choice. There is no scroll bar that would expose a hidden button either.

I stared at the screen for a few minutes wondering how people who actually got paid to do this new version could have missed this screw up. Finally, driven by sheer frustration (I wanted to do a post, the centerpiece of which was to have been an image), I began clicking and dragging my cursor through the window, and I discovered that, with some fancy clicking and dragging, I could “scroll” the contents of the window to expose a button on the bottom right labeled “DONE.” Eureka, I thought. The process is a pain in the ass, but I can probably live with it.

Guess what happens when you click the “DONE” button? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I have tried this drill about a half dozen times, and the result is always the same.

I searched all over the Blogger site for something that might help, and all I could find was another “new” feature where one can explain a problem and send it off into cyberspace. Of course, I did that, mindful that Blogger says that this particular new feature is under “heavy construction,” so I am not optimistic about getting an answer. Nowhere could I find a telephone number where I might actually be able to speak with a human being about a service that I am PAYING for.

If I did my job the way the knuckleheads a Blogger do theirs, I would be:
(a) fired
(b) sued for malpractice
(c) disbarred
(d) any or all of the above.

The correct answer is (d).

So, dear readers, I have two questions:

1. Is anyone else experiencing this problem, and, if so, what did you do about it?

2. Does anyone know a phone number where I could reach a real, live person to ask what the heck is up?

I don’t have a comments section (as you can see in this IMAGELESS post), so if you have information responsive to either or both of the above questions, I would appreciate it greatly if you would drop me an E-mail.

Thank you very much.

P.S. I know. I know. I know. I should get the hell off BlogSpot. That is most definitely the long-term solution, but I still would like to solve this immediate and most annoying problem.

Wing Sings!!
You absolutely MUST check out Wing.

“Hi, I am Wing! I immigrated to New Zealand with my family about ten years ago from Hong Kong. I have been learning singing in New Zealand and I do performances in Rest Homes and Hospitals and occasionally promotional concerts as I go along.”

She has released four (yes, four) CDs. Click on the above link, then click on the tab that says “Listen to Wing.” I recommend the first one, “For All We Know,” from her CD, Wing Sings the Carpenters, and then listen to “Summertime,” from Wing’s CD, I Could Have Danced All Night.

Believe me. This is definitely worth the time.

I highly recommend that you put down your drink before listening.

Link via The Ultimate Insult

Note: I wanted to post a picture of Wing, however, BlogSpot is using a new (improved?) screen, and the “upload file” function is not working. Just friggin’ great.

The practice of men arranging for Mail Order Brides has a long history in the United States. Even today, it is a flourishing industry. Hey, it’s the 21st century, and I say that it’s about damned time that women have the same opportunity as men to mail order themselves a mate. Accordingly, I would like to introduce you to Mail Order Husbands.

Here is an example of one of the eligible bachelors who is only a mouse click away from you and wedded bliss.

“I’m a successful representative of the pleasure rental industry and I’m ready to share my lifestyle with the right girl. I’m tall, svelte and my sly knowledge of underworld slang will make you wonder just what I’m all about. I like to write poetry and I have gained the trust of several small children and a few foreign people.”

Waddya waiting for?

via The Presurfer

Al Sharpton, A Deadbeat?
Say it ain’t so! But it may well be the case. The New York Post reports that the Ford Motor Credit Company is suing Al to recover damages arising from his failure to make the monthly payments on a 2001 Ford Explorer. Al stopped making the regular payments in November, and then bounced a $3,600 check in January. Apparently, Ford is also seeking to repossess the car, but it is nowhere to be found. A spokesperson for Al knows nothing, and Al’s attorney is “investigating.” I hope his attorney is smart enough to get his money up front.

I originally found this story at The Country Store, which is a fun and interesting place to visit.

Jimbo Fix-It’s Mailbag.
Many of the folks around here know of my superior talent for do-it-yourself home repairs and fixing small appliances and electronic devices. In fact, I often receive e-mail asking for my advice in such matters. I thought that I would share them with you, as the information provided will definitely come in handy the next time you are confronted with a stuck door or a non-functioning electronic device. In fact, you may want to cut this out and use one of those refrigerator magnet things to stick it on the refrigerator.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
It is ninety degrees here, with 98% humidity, and our central air conditioner is not working. What can I do?

Sweltering Hot in Trenton

Dear S.H.I.T., (Those better be your initials. I will not be made a fool of.)
It is important to note that air conditioners have essentially two things going on. There is the compressor, and then there is the fan. I cannot tell from your letter, whether the compressor or the fan is the problem. However, you can easily determine this yourself. Turn the unit on, and if the fan is spinning, you can rule the fan out as being the source of the problem. If the fan is not spinning, that may be part of your problem. You also have to determine whether the compressor is running. You’ll know the compressor is running if you hear a continuous HMMMMMMM, which is to be distinguished by the continuous hmmmmm, which would be the fan.

OK, so let’s say that the problem appears to be with your compressor. The way you repair this is to get the hammer from your toolbox, and whack the compressor a really good shot. That ought to do it. Similarly, if you find that the problem lies with the fan, you can use the same tool to give the fan a good shot. I suggest that you aim for the fan motor and not the fan blades, as hitting the blades may work, but the unit might be a little noisy.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I just bought a really nice toolbox, and I would like your advice on which tools I should buy to be ready for most repair needs.

Throckmorton O’Toole

Dear Mr. O’Toole,
I will assume that your question about tools is the real deal and that your name really is O’Toole. Jimbo Fix-It takes this shit seriously, and I will not have you playing me for a chump.

With the foregoing assumption in mind, I will answer your question. What you will need in your toolbox to tackle all repairs is a hammer, and a couple rolls of duct tape. If you are a sophisticated do-it-yourselfer, you might consider adding a sturdy butter knife as well. Good luck with that new toolbox!

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I’m really in a pickle here. I rented a DVD from the local store, and I have to return it in four hours, and I still have not watched the movie. My problem is that the DVD tray is stuck in the open position. I am afraid to push on it too hard to get it to inside the machine so I can watch the movie. Any tips?

Frantic in Fanwood

Dear F.I.F.
This is absolutely not a problem. Whenever you are dealing with a piece of electronic equipment, such as a DVD player or a VCR, and something is stuck, you should always FORCE it. Works every time. So, give that tray one good hard push, and enjoy the movie.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
The digital clock on my VCR keeps blinking, and I don’t know how to make it stop. It prevents me from enjoying my soaps during the day. I really need your help.

One Life to Live

Dear O.L.T.L.,
Simple one. Take a roll of duct tape from your toolbox, cut a small piece, and stick it over the blinking light. See? I told you it was simple.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
What kinds of screwdrivers do I need, and how many of them should I have in my toolbox?

Puzzled in Parsippany

Dear P.I.P.,
Read my response to Mr. O’Toole. (I still think I’m being jerked around by that guy.) You absolutely do NOT need a screwdriver of any type. First of all, I suggest avoiding screws unless there is absolutely no alternative. In those rare cases, all repairs can be made with a sturdy butter knife. Use the money you save on screwdrivers to buy yourself a backup hammer.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
My uncle Verne gave me a really neat saw for my birthday. The problem is that I don’t know whether it is a ripsaw or a crosscut saw. Can you help?

Ripped in Rahway

Dear R.I.R.,
The problem is that your uncle Verne is obviously an inconsiderate asshole, who doesn’t know shit from shinola about home repairs. Listen to me. Wood is not our friend. All repairs on wooden things can be accomplished with your hammer. In real emergencies, you may also need some duct tape. Throw the damned saw away, and tell Uncle Dumbshit Verne to give you money for your next birthday. You can use the money to buy a backup hammer.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
The light switch in my dining room is making strange noises, and it gets real hot. Sometimes smoke comes out of it. At least I think it’s smoke. It smells a lot like burning plastic. I think I already know how to fix it, but I am a little worried about using my stainless steel hammer. I would like to avoid getting a shock.

Timid in Toms River

Dear T.I.T. (You better not be jerking me around with these initials!)
You are most perceptive, and you ask an excellent question. We must always be careful when working with live wires. Using your stainless steel hammer might pose a problem. A seasoned home-repair person sometimes has to improvise. I suggest that you go to your closet and find a shoe with a good, thick rubber sole (rubber does not conduct electricity, you know). Hold it firmly in your dominant hand (the lack of a handle may make this a bit difficult), and give the switch a good whack. Presto! No more noise or smoke.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
My kitchen door squeaks when we open or close it. It is annoying the cat, and she has taken to pissing on the kitchen floor. We need your help bad.

Squeaky and Smelly in Springfield

Dear S.A.S.I.S.,
This is a tricky one. However, if you follow my directions, everything should work out fine. You will need your hammer from the toolbox. First, you must clear the area near the door, because you will need the room to work. Once that is done, open the door, and hold it open using your non-dominant hand. Take the hammer in your dominant hand and give the side of the door a couple good, hard whacks. I suggest two whacks near the top of the door, two near the bottom, and three or four really good ones just above where the doorknob thing comes out.

Wait. You are not finished yet. Next, you have to close the door and give each of the hinges a couple atomic whacks. That will solve your problem, unless, of course, you want to also whack the pissing cat.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I have discovered a leak in the U-shaped pipe under my bathroom sink, which is inside the vanity. I was reading somewhere that that piece of pipe is called the “trap.” The water comes out of there pretty good, and I am frankly a bit nervous about using my hammer on it. Suggestions?

Leaking in Livingston

Dear L.I.L.,
First off, for future reference, if you are going to be reading smart-ass books about traps, don’t waste my valuable time. OK?

The answer to your question is staring you in the face. Why do you think we have so many tools in our toolbox? Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. Wrap that leaky pipe, or “trap” (la-dee-dah) with some quality duct tape, and you’ll be good to go!

That’s all from today’s mailbag. Be sure to send all your home and appliance repair questions to Jimbo Fix-It. No job too big or small. If I can’t fix it, you need the Army Corps of Engineers.

What Does One Do?
Question: When one has had a miserable day, and when one comes home late from work, and when one is really, really tired, and when one has spent an hour reading other people’s blogs and noodling around on the net trying to think of something interesting or amusing to write, and when one is really, really tired (I already said that. See? I’m tired), and, when one, despite all that reading, thinking, and net-noodling, still has nothing interesting or amusing to write, what does one do?

Answer: One says, “Thank you very much for stopping by. I truly appreciate it. Please stay tuned. Good night.”