is running for President in ’08 has declared himself to be President of the United States, and he has already begun selecting his cabinet members and advisors. I am pleased to say that I have been chosen to be Postmaster General of the United States.
While, as Postmaster General, I won’t get to launch military strikes, or direct the deportation of suspected terrorists and assorted assholes, I will finally get Veteran’s Day off. I am pleased with the appointment, for at this stage of my life I don’t care to do much heavy lifting, and, besides, this gig won’t cut into my drinking time.
However, I do have two initiatives in mind. My first order of business will be to commission a Stevie Ray Vaughan stamp, which will be free to anyone who brings a guitar to the post office and can play a simple twelve bar blues to a solid shuffle beat.
Second, I will direct that all stamps be liquor flavored, not with artificial flavoring, but with the real item. As such, within the first three months of my administration, the Post Office will issue stamps in the following flavors: bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin, rum and tequila. It will make bill paying a good deal less painful.
The other cabinet and advisory posts that have been filled to date are as follows:
Secretary of State (He’s better looking than
Condi Madeline Albright.)
Secretary of the Treasury (Need money? We’ll just print the sumbitch!)
Secretary of Defense (He’ll make Donald Rumsfeld look like Richard Simmons.)
Attorney General (Janet Reno, she ain’t.)
Secretary of Health and Human Services (He’ll get Cher to do free concerts for the needy.)
Secretary of Transportation (Let the profiling begin!)
Press Secretary (“Yes, the President did refer to Ted Kennedy as a ‘Sack of Shit.’ What of it?”)
Secretary of Assorted Wherewithal, Presidential Bartender and Assassin. (Complain about the drinks at your peril.)
Head of the Secret Service (He’ll kick the Second Amendment up a notch.)
Head of the Department of Beating the Shit out of Political Rivals (These guys come equipped with an enemies list the size of the Manhattan Phone Directory.)
Special White House Advisor (She’ll keep the President grounded and wearing a catcher’s cup.)
My fellow Americans, help has arrived.