Acidman is running for President in ’08 has declared himself to be President of the United States, and he has already begun selecting his cabinet members and advisors. I am pleased to say that I have been chosen to be Postmaster General of the United States.

While, as Postmaster General, I won’t get to launch military strikes, or direct the deportation of suspected terrorists and assorted assholes, I will finally get Veteran’s Day off. I am pleased with the appointment, for at this stage of my life I don’t care to do much heavy lifting, and, besides, this gig won’t cut into my drinking time.

However, I do have two initiatives in mind. My first order of business will be to commission a Stevie Ray Vaughan stamp, which will be free to anyone who brings a guitar to the post office and can play a simple twelve bar blues to a solid shuffle beat.

Second, I will direct that all stamps be liquor flavored, not with artificial flavoring, but with the real item. As such, within the first three months of my administration, the Post Office will issue stamps in the following flavors: bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin, rum and tequila. It will make bill paying a good deal less painful.

The other cabinet and advisory posts that have been filled to date are as follows:

Secretary of State (He’s better looking than Condi Madeline Albright.)

Secretary of the Treasury (Need money? We’ll just print the sumbitch!)

Secretary of Defense (He’ll make Donald Rumsfeld look like Richard Simmons.)

Attorney General (Janet Reno, she ain’t.)

Secretary of Health and Human Services (He’ll get Cher to do free concerts for the needy.)

Secretary of Transportation (Let the profiling begin!)

Press Secretary (“Yes, the President did refer to Ted Kennedy as a ‘Sack of Shit.’ What of it?”)

Secretary of Assorted Wherewithal, Presidential Bartender and Assassin. (Complain about the drinks at your peril.)

Head of the Secret Service (He’ll kick the Second Amendment up a notch.)

Head of the Department of Beating the Shit out of Political Rivals (These guys come equipped with an enemies list the size of the Manhattan Phone Directory.)

Special White House Advisor (She’ll keep the President grounded and wearing a catcher’s cup.)

President Acidman has already held three cabinet meetings.

My fellow Americans, help has arrived.

My friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, sent me the following e-mail, which managed to make me laugh, even when I was feeling crabby. Therefore, I figure it might be good to pass along, particularly to those of you who may be feeling similarly crabby. I cannot be certain that these one-liners are all from Steven Wright, but they sure sound like his stuff to me.

Enjoy.

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If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the humorist
who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
stolen. . . and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things
differently from the way we do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are more of his gems:

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future – laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.”

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.