February 17, 2005

For Sale – Handyman’s Special in the Garden State.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:40 pm

Roberto, New Jersey Blogger, and proprietor of DynamoBuzz, points us to an article in Forbes Magazine, about an attractive home that is for sale in the Garden State. This charming residence is nestled in the surburboland of Alpine, New Jersey, a small town, located across the Hudson River from New York City.

This 60,000 square foot beauty, which is perfect for the couple just starting out, boasts 13 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms (toilet paper not included), a guesthouse, two pools – one inside and one outside, and a 2,000-gallon aquarium (fish apparently are extra).

You say that you don’t feel like sleeping, shitting, or looking at tropical fish? No problem, as this “must buy” also features an arcade, an ice cream parlor (butter almond is extra), and a two-lane bowling alley.

I know you are thinking, Yo, Jimbo, it all sounds great, but what about the neighborhood?” Fear not, because Alpine only attracts the best of the best. As an Alpiner, you’ll be rubbing elbows with Stevie Wonder, Chris Rock, and Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs. You can invite them all over for burgers and beer and howl with laughter as Chris uses the “N-Word” on Stevie and “Puff Daddy.” Don’t worry, because the Beautiful People in Manhattan say it’s OK to laugh when Chris says that kind of stuff.

This can all be yours for a mere $40 million, however, I am quite sure that I can get the seller to come down to $39.9 million.

I figure that with a can of Spackle and a couple coats of paint, the place might just be presentable.

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