February 13, 2005

Airport Security and the Butcher Knife.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:43 pm

Yesterday an airport screener at Newark Airport was removed from her usual checkpoint for “remedial training,” when she failed to see a butcher knife in a passenger’s purse that passed through the x-ray machine. Only after having cleared security and taken a seat in the boarding area did Ms. Katrina Bell, a former Newark resident, traveling to her current home in North Carolina, notice that she had forgotten to remove the butcher knife from her purse.

When she alerted the security people (She was worried someone would see the knife and conclude that she was a terrorist), they questioned the security screener who indicated that she had not noticed the knife in the bag. Ms. Bell was asked to return the knife to the bag and pass it through the x-ray machine again. Apparently, the knife was easily seen on the screen.

Neither Ms. Bell nor her sister, Tikisha Bell Gowens, with whom she had intended to travel, was arrested. Ms. Bell continued on her trip (without the blade), but her sister remained behind because of the delay.

As I was reading the story, I could not help but wonder why the woman had a butcher knife in her purse in the first place? Only toward the end of the story were we told the stated reason for Ms. Bell’s possession of the knife.

It seems that Ms. Bell had been out on a blind date the night before and was told by her aunt to carry it “just in case.”

She may not have been a terrorist, but clearly she is not one to be trifled with. It’s a good thing the blind date guy didn’t get grabby.

February 12, 2005

Protein Blogspat.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:26 pm

The amazing Jeff Goldstein, proprietor of Protein Wisdom, a gorilla stompin’ blog on many levels, recently found himself in a bit of a dustup, arising out of the Jewish & Israeli Blog Awards and Protein Wisdom’s being one of the blogs nominated in the “Best Humor Blog” category. It seems that one of the other nominees, who was well behind Jeff in the voting, gratuitously said that Jeff was “not Jewish,” and that he was “not funny.” Ouch! Ouch!

Not surprisingly, Jeff acquitted himself admirably, but I am convinced that he was negatively affected by the experience. I came to this conclusion after having seen Jeff the other day in the supermarket, standing in front of a shelf that held jars of Gefilte Fish, and he seemed to be speaking. Knowing that Jeff is wont to speak with inanimate objects, such as apples and his Levi’s, I decided to listen in.

Jeff: “So, do you believe it? Some guy, one of our own, said that I’m not funny.”

Gefilte Fish:

Jeff: “O.K., so that was the putz’s opinion, and I suppose he’s entitled to it, but he also said that I’m not Jewish! Can you imagine that?”

Gefilte Fish:

Jeff: “Where’s the outrage here? How would you like it if someone said that you’re not Jewish?”

Gefilte Fish:

Jeff: “Well?”

Gefilte Fish:

Jeff: “Oy Gevalt!! I can’t believe you have nothing to say about that. I’m outta here.” (stomps off)

Adjacent Jar of Gefilte Fish: “So, why didn’t you talk to him, already?”

Gefilte Fish: “I smelled ham on his breath.”

February 11, 2005

Blog Noir — Chapter Two. (UPDATED)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:18 pm

It’s up, and Key hit the long ball.

If you’re new to this, the background of the Blog Noir Project is here.

Chapter One is here.

I won’t reveal the details here. Go read it.

Update: Chapter Three will come to you courtesy of TJ at Twisty, who parachuted in on short notice. Not surprisingly, she is my very best favorite, and I know she’ll do the old man proud.

Blogstreet….Feh!!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:22 pm

I saw that lots of the cool folks had “Blogstreet” buttons on the ass end of their blogs. I wasn’t sure what Blogstreet had to offer, but I figured I’d give it a shot. So, I went to the Blogstreet site and filled in all the fields necessary to permit me to be one of the cool Blogstreet peeps. After I submitted the information, I got an e-mail instructing me to paste the Blogstreet’s code somewhere in my blog. This is the code to the cool guys’ Blotstreet button.

I did it, which as many of you know, is not an easy thing for me, being a guy who definitely does NOT like to fool with Mr. Template. But, wanting to be like the other cool guys, I did what I was told, and pasted the code into my site.

Eureka! It worked. There was the button! I thought that I would soon learn what Blogstreet was all abut. I clicked the button. It brought me to a “Add a Site” screen that looked suspiciously like the first damned screen I had previously encountered. It asked my screen name, my e-mail address and my password. Mind you, the message above these fields said that, “This site has been accepted to Blogstreet” (or something like that). So I filled in the shit again, thinking that, now that I have “been accepted,” I could experience the wonders of Blogstreet.

Horseshit.

I wound up at the same screen again, requesting the same damned information.

I’m too old and too cranky for this shit. I immediately went to my template and deleted the cursed Blogstreet button.

At this time, I don’t give a rat’s ass what Blogstreet can do or can’t do.

I want no part of Blogstreet.

February 10, 2005

Just Like Riding a Bike.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:38 pm

Boy Scout Emblem.jpgIt is often said that once you learn to ride a bike, you remember it always. Of course, that is true. I can’t imagine anyone “forgetting” how to ride a bike. That got me to thinking about what other things I learned as a boy that have stayed with me for these many years. That, in turn, got me to thinking about the Boy Scouts.

Yes, I was a Boy Scout, and I have never regretted a single minute of it. I learned a boatload of things that I remember to this day, some of which still come in very handy, and other things that are still there in case I ever need them.

Here is a smattering of them:

First Aid: The Boy Scouts taught me how t deal with: burns, snake bites, sprains, broken bones (making a splint, turning a neckerchief into an ankle brace), fashioning a stretcher from tree limbs and a blanket. The Scouts taught to recognize and treat shock, arterial bleeding, heat stroke, heat exhaustion, and poison ivy. Many years later when I would be again taught first aid, courtesy of Uncle Sam, the only “new” thing I learned was how to treat a sucking chest wound. The Boy Scouts never taught us that one.

Knots: We learned to tie knots, and we learned to tie them fast. Tying knots correctly and quickly was one of the main events in competitions that were regularly held between troops. As a result, to this day, I can tie a bowline faster than anyone I know. I can also tie a: clove hitch, timber hitch, angler’s knot, slip knot, square knot (not a granny), a sheetbend, a half hitch, two half hitches, and a sheepshank. This is a skill that I don’t need very often, but when the occasion arises, I am ready.

Life Saving and Survival: I still remember how to do CPR, how to save a drowning person, and how to deal with someone who has fallen through thin ice. I was taught how to build a fire and how to keep matches dry and, failing that, how to start a fire with flint and steel or a stick and bow.

Intangible Things: I learned a clutch of intangible things that would save me a good deal of angst many years later in the Army. For example, I learned the fundamentals of drill (an Army story worth telling another day). I learned flag etiquette, and how to stand at attention, to stand at “parade rest” and to stand “at ease.” I learned how to form up and “dress right,” I learned how to execute a right face, left face and about face. I learned what it was like to stand inspection and to shut up when told to do so.

I wonder if the Boy Scouts still learn that stuff. I hope so.

Yalies Need Not Apply.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:00 am

A federal judge in Alabama has advised the Dean of Yale Law School that he will not consider Yale Law School graduates for judicial clerkships. Senior U.S. District Judge William Acker Jr., a Yale graduate himself, cited as the basis for his decision, Yale’s banning of military recruiters from the law school.

The Birmingham News reported:

Acker wrote [to the Dean of Yale Law School] that he was exercising the same freedom of speech that U.S. District Judge Janet C. Hall supported when she ruled Jan. 31. She backed the faculty’s claim that their rights to free speech were violated by enforcement of the Solomon amendment, which requires schools to provide access to military recruiters or lose federal funding, including student loans.

Judge Acker’s letter to the Dean noted that some of his best law clerks have been graduates of Yale and that, “I therefore recognize that this publicly announced decision will hurt me more than the allowing of military recruiters would hurt [Yale Law School].”

Way to go, Judge Acker.

February 9, 2005

Curious Linkage.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:21 pm

Bloggers like it when other sites link to their blogs. Some bloggers say that they don’t care obout links, but I really don’t believe them. If they truly felt that way, they would write in a journal that is tucked away in a safe and private place, or they would exchange e-mails with a closed group. We like it (and often are quite happily amazed) when people actually read our stuff.

It is with that in mind that I share my surprise at having had one of my posts linked to by a site that is called, “boy gallery in there [sic] underwear resource.”

Go figure.

P.S. To “boy gallery, etc.,” thanks for the link!

February 8, 2005

Corzine on the Campaign Trail.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:26 pm

As most of you know, the Acting Governor of New Jersey, Richard Codey, has decided not to seek an elected term as Governor this fall, thereby clearing the way for U.S. Senator Jon Corzine to be the nominee of the democrat party. As such, Senator Corzine has already begun making campaign appearances.

Parkway Rest Stop operatives were on the scene with Senator Corzine at a recent, early-morning campaign appearance on Broad Street in Newark, near a busy bus stop. Here is what they saw and heard:

Corzine: (To Guy #1) “Good morning, sir. I’m Jon Corzine, and I’m running for governor.”

Guy #1: “What?”

Corzine: “Jon Corzine, I’m running for governor, and I would like your support.”

Guy #1: “Who?”

Corzine: “I’m Jon Corzine, Senator Jon Corzine.”

Guy #1: “Look, I’m running late. I don’t have time for this.”

***

Corzine: (To Guy #2) “Good morning, sir, and how are you today? I’m Jon Corzine and I’m running for governor.”

Guy #2: “Who’d you say you are?”

Corzine: “Jon Corzine, Sen……

Guy #2: “Hey, weren’t you just elected to something or other?”

Corzine: “Yes, that was the Senate in 2000.”

Guy #2: “Well what’s wrong with that job?”

Corzine: “I feel that I can be more effective as…….”

Guy #2: “Bullshit. You sound like a job-hopper to me. That looks lousy on a resume. I gotta get to work.”

***

Corzine: (To Guy #3) “Hello there. I’m Jon Corzine and I’m running for governor.”

Guy #3: “I don’t care who you are. I’m trying to get to work here. If you don’t get outta my way, I’m gonna be late.”

Corzine: “Here’s a hundred bucks for you.”

Guy #3: “Holy shit! Who’d you say you are?”

Corzine: “Jon Corzine, and I’m ……”

Guy #3: “Running for governor, right? You got my vote, Bro. You’re my guy. Absolutely.”

February 7, 2005

Air Raid Sirens.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 11:58 pm

This morning, I was treated to the sound of a car alarm, which is all too common in the neighborhood. It was one of those multi-sound devices that electronically screeches, burps, beeps, whistles and honks, when someone even so much as passes gas within fifteen feet of the car in which it is installed.

Eventually, the owner of the car in which the honking and tooting alarm was installed surfaced to shut the infernal noisemaker off. To the rest of the neighborhood, including Yours Truly, this was nothing more than a minor annoyance. No one called the police, or, for that matter, did anything other than wonder how long it would take the car’s owner to shut the damned thing off.

This caused me to think back to when alarms actually meant something. More specifically, I got to thinking about air raid sirens.

When I was a little boy in the fifties, my town (and I believe all other towns in the area) had an air raid siren. It wasn’t one of those modern-day, electronic “whoooop-whoooopers” that one hears on police cars, fire engines and ambulances, but rather it was a mechanical device that, was operated by a continuous blast of air that was generated by a gasoline powered V8 engine.

It was the signature sound of the Cold War.

Back then, we were taught that the long, wailing sound of the air raid siren signaled an imminent air attack and that taking cover was our only option. We knew the difference between the long, plaintive wailing of the siren, which meant “take cover” and the shorter bursts that signaled “all clear.” They actually taught us this stuff at school.

I recall the air raid drills that were conducted in my grammar school, in which, at the a pre-appointed time, we were all shepherded into the bowels of the school building where we were led in song by one of the teachers, presumably to take our minds off the slaughter that would be taking place outside the school in the event of a real attack. The song of choice was always the then popular “He’s Got the Whole World in his Hands.” I have no doubt that leading public school children in that song today would be grounds for a teacher’s dismissal and would provide the basis for a suit by the ACLU. Back then, it seemed just fine.

Of course, all this was little more than well-intentioned baloney, but we were too young to know any better. The ugly fact was that we were close enough to New York City to be instantly incinerated in the event of a real air attack by the Soviet Union – the bad guys back then.

We were regularly reminded of the siren’s sound, as it was tested for one minute at noon on Saturdays, which was always a handy way to check the clocks in the house. Even then, I remember thinking that the best time for the Russians to attack would be at noon on Saturday, because no one would pay much attention to the siren, much like we ignore car alarms these days.

I don’t know whether any towns today even have an air raid siren and, as such, I wonder how many people have never heard the sound we knew so well and hoped that we would not hear during the frightening days of the Cuban Missile Crisis, by which time I was old enough to know that taking cover wouldn’t mean beans.

It sounded like this.

February 6, 2005

Super Bowl XXXIX.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:33 pm

Super Bowl Trophy.jpgHere it is again, another Super Bowl Sunday, so it seems fitting to say something about it.

The fact is I am not much of a football fan. I’m not hostile to football, and I even enjoy a football game if it is on television where I happen to be. I just don’t seek it out, and, after spending a winter afternoon several years ago freezing my stindeens off in the Meadowlands arena watching a Jets game and dreading my next trip to the men’s room (“Excuse me…excuse me…excuse me…), I definitely do not attend football games. Besides, I really need an announcer to tell me what the heck is going on half the time.

That said, the Super Bowl has become (for better or worse) a uniquely American “Event,” and I, like millions of other Americans, will be attending a Super Bowl Party. I will be at the Post with a bunch of the Usual Suspects and more than a handful of friends of Usual Suspects. It is being run by my friend Paulie and his brother Willie, who have arranged the details, including the catered food.

Paulie handles the bar, which is always a first-rate show, while Willie runs every pool imaginable, including a 50-50 drawing. Willie sees that EVERYONE participates. A fair example of Willie’s “soft sell” technique for one of a half dozen pools would be, “Come on, ya cheap fuck! It’s two bucks a square. I know you got a shitload of fuckin’ money, so get it up. Don’t worry about the fuckin’ numbers; we’ll pick those later. How many squares ya want? Aaay, I don’t have a lotta time here. I figure you want ten bucks worth.” I usually get fleeced pretty well, but, after all, it is for the good of the Legion.

I will surely be asked later, “Eagles or Patriots?” Given that neither team is the Giants or the Jets (Hey, I live in Jersey), I don’t have a dog in this fight. However, one probably ought to be pulling for one team, if for no other reason than to be able to razz the guys who picked the other team when things go well, and to be the razee when things go poorly. It’s part of the ritual.

Therefore, I will share with you my highly scientific criteria for choosing which of the two teams to root for:

Propinquity (a Velociman word): Jersey borders on Pennsylvania, and Philadelphia is just across the river. This favors the Eagles.

Cool Uniforms: While the Patriots’ red, white and blue uniforms are more…well.. patriotic, I am partial to the green and white of the Eagles. As for the helmets, there is no contest. Eagles.

Team Name: I am a George Bush supporter, and I think the Patriot Act is a good idea, but, for a football team, the image of a bad-ass Eagle does it for me.” Eagles.

Righteousness: Boston won the series. Enough already. I think the Eagles deserve a win. Eagles.

Food: Not even close. Philly has great food, starting with Philly Cheese Steaks. Boston? Beans. Meh. Eagles.

Language: I understand the people from Philly. They talk funny in Boston. Eagles.

Favorites: The Eagles are the underdogs, and it is always more fun to root for the underdog. Eagles.

Fans: This is a tough one, because I have read and heard that Eagles fans are a really rowdy bunch (not that Jets fans are any prize), and that they give the opposition a bad time. However, the folks in Boston damned near crucified one of their own, Bill Buckner (thanks, Lynne), when he booted a baseball, costing Boston the World Series in 1986. Close call, but it goes to the Eagles.

The Big Picture: Pennsylvania and Massachusetts are both Blue States, although there is always at least some hope for Pennsylvania. Massachusetts has given us John Kerry and Ted Kennedy. Easy one. Eagles.

So there you have it, Sports Fans. Later today, I’ll be drinking bottles of Yuengling Porter (a Pennsylvania brew from America’s oldest brewery), spending a bunch of money, hanging with a bunch of good guys and “rooting” for the Eagles.

It’s great to be an American.

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