Hey, I just flew in from Syria, and boy are my arms tired! ROFLMAO!
OMG, this is the first chance I have had to catch up on my diary, because I was on a very important, most excellent dimploatic trip (Maybe you read something about it. LOL!!), where as the SPEAKER in the House I got to do lots of speaking with people who are almost as smart and as important me.
The plane ride was a riot. At first, Waxman was pretty stiff, but after a bottle or two of Cristal he started to loosen up. I fired up my Peter, Paul and Mary discs and convinced him to try some primo herb. It was a hoot when he started trying to sing â€œPuff the Magic Dragon,â€ and heâ€™d get all confused and shit. Then he started snorting and pounding the chair laughing and saying stuff like, â€œYeah, yeah. â€˜Little Jackie Paperâ€™ … Imagine if he had a brother named â€˜Toiletâ€™ or Newsâ€™?â€ Then he tried to grab my ass. I canâ€™t say I blame him.
Truth is, some people probably shouldnâ€™t do herb. LOL!!
We spent a couple days in Israel, where I got to speak a lot to a lot of very important people, and were they ever glad I came, because they have some serious problems, and I solved one of their biggest problems in a jiffy.
I gave each of these seriously important people a crystal and we held hands in a circle until we all felt the right vibes. They obviously knew I was an expert at this, because they were all staring at me and saying nothing.
I am totally certain that they have serious denial issues, because do you believe that I had to explain to them that their biggest problem is that they just cannot seem to get along with their neighbors? I told them that you catch more vinegar with flies than honey â€¦ no, wait you catch more flies with vinegar than â€¦ no, wait! Oh, you know what I mean. I said, â€œLook, if your neighbors jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge or ran around with scissors, does that mean you have to do it too? And, a rolling stone gathers no moss.â€ They obviously got it, because they were all shaking their heads. This dimplomacy stuff is a snap.
Oh, then they took me for a ride around Jerusalem and we stopped by this wall. It was awesome. There was a bunch of people there, mostly dressed in black â€“ sort of Gothic, who were head banging. I figured they were all wearing iPods, because I couldnâ€™t hear any music. I forgot my iPod, so I had my driver pull the car near the wall and turn the volume way, way up on my Green Day disc. I hopped out of the car and joined in with the head bangers. They freakinâ€™ loved it! They all stopped head banging, gathered in a group (like a moish pit) and watched me rock. It was awesome.
I know they hated to see me leave Israel, because everywhere I went people were saying â€œMESHUGENA!!â€ which they told me means â€œWeâ€™ll miss you!â€ Still, it was time to leave, because I had to go straighten out our shit with the Syrians.
I totally loved Syria. The day before I was going to meet the president, they asked me if I wanted to see â€œJohn the Baptistâ€. I figured it would be cool to meet an American who has a church in Syria. But, when we got there, the only thing left of John was his head! WTF? What a hoot! Those Syrians are a pisser.
OK, OK. I know. What about the scarf-on-my-head thing? Truth is, at the time, I was so wrecked â€˜shrooms I donâ€™t even remember putting the goddamned thing on. After a while, I got to liking it, and, in fact, I am going to introduce a resolution in the House of Congress that will require everyone to wear a headscarf every Thursday as a show of solidarity with our Syrian friends. Yeah, I will expect the men to wear them too â€“ sort of like the ones â€œLittle Stevenâ€ wears. OMG, I am going to sooooo miss the Sopranos.
Anyway, the next day I got to meet with the president of Syria. I knew the meeting would be totally great, because he totally never took his eyes off my tits. Well, thatâ€™s not exactly true, because he tried to look up my dress as I crossed my legs. I made sure he got a peek. Try that kind of dimplomacy, ChimpyMcHitlerburton!
I told him about my serious talks with the very important people in Israel and how the people there really want to be friends, and I explained to him what the world needs now is love, sweet love â€“ No, not just for some, but for everyone. Then I let him grab my tits.
Obviously, it worked! He told me that he was a big fan of Larry David.
This dimplomacy stuff is a total no-brainer.
Iâ€™m glad to be back in the U.S.A., because I ran out of Cristal and decent weed over there. I ended up having to settle for some shit that I got from our interpreter. It tasted like ass and barely gave me a buzz.
Besides, I had to get back because my friend Barbra Streisand is throwing a huge party for me at her house (We made up, but psssssst Donâ€™t mention the â€œsaggy titsâ€ thing, OK?). People are going to pay to come. How totally awesome is that? For $150,000, they can actually sit with me. Iâ€™m thinking of offering special pricing: an ass fondle for $175,000 and a bare tit grab for $250,000.
God, how I love being the SPEAKER in the House.