During today’s walk, I saw a Mercury MONTANA, a Chevrolet COLORADO, and a Dodge DAKOTA. I am also aware that Chrysler used to manufacture a car called the NEW YORKER. Now, I certainly have nothing against Montana, Colorado, Dakota (North or South), or New York. Hell, I have friends in most of those places. However, I think it’s high time that the auto industry manufactured a car named after the Garden State.

Yo, General Motors’ Cadillac Division, I’m calling you out!

Tony Soprano drives a Caddy, as do boatloads of real-life pinkie-ring wearing, kneecap breaking guys in the Garden State. It is also the preferred ride of union bosses, doctors, and plaintiffs’ lawyers in these parts. The market is there, and the time is right. I can see the ad now:
:
INTRODUCING THE CADILLAC NEW JERSEY

For the ultimate in luxury and safety, General Motors is proud to introduce the 2005 Cadillac New Jersey. While this stellar example of the finest in American engineering has been designed to keep you safe and comfortable in traffic jams that can last for hours, the Cadillac New Jersey is also capable of unleashing its 450 horses at a second’s notice, whether on the highway, or wherever you may be when a quick getaway is a must. This beauty comes standard with a 100 watt, 12 speaker, multi-disc stereo system, which has been specially wired and calibrated to flawlessly receive a dedicated satellite feed that plays nothing but Sinatra, Dean Martin, Al Martino, and Gerry Vale, 24/7.

In addition, the Cadillac New Jersey boasts important safety features such as bulletproof windows and doors and an optional armored undercarriage. Other options include: a multi-band police scanner, pasta bar, easy access gun ports, and a hermetically sealed, steam cleanable trunk to prevent unwanted odors from entering the passenger compartment.

The Cadillac New Jersey…..It’s a great freakin’ cah.

Randy at SFO Life has posted the perfect cartoon relating to these rat bastards.

Lately I have been receiving e-mails in which the sender and subject fields are blank. Only the date appears. Of course, I don’t open those babies, fearing that doing so would render this computer a smoking mass of melted plastic.

I assume that these e-mails are generated by some kind of auto-spamming giz-whiz. However, if anyone out there has been sending me such e-mails and has been wondering why I have not responded, now you know.

Something from the mailbag*.

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars.” The guy says.

“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”

*Thanks to my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet.